Idiocrasies Of The English Language - That are fun and funny

Why ENGLISH is so Hard to Learn

2009-08-23T06:43:00.002+08:00

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

It's So Hot In Here...

2009-08-08T20:39:00.000+08:00

The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

You discover that in August, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your motorcycle.

You discover that you can get a sunburn through your face shield.

You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can actually burn your hand on the clutch lever.

No one would dream of wearing shorts and sitting on a vinyl motorcycle seat!

Your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Riding breaks are measured by bottles of water rather than the need for gas.

Now that your yard has burnt, you do not have to spend time mowing but it is still to hot to ride.

You have to chew the air properly before you can swallow it.

The next person to ask you "Hot 'nuff for ya?" WILL receive a black eye.

The Philosophy of Life

2009-05-31T09:22:00.001+08:00

Life is an endless struggle, full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.

Life not only begins at forty; it begins to show.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Age is important only if you are cheese and wine.

The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he/she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

A Surefire way to Fail in a Job Interview!

2009-05-07T13:39:00.002+08:00

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

- An applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
- An applicant wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
- An applicant fell and broke his arm during the interview.
- A candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.
- An applicant explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
- A candidate said he had never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
- A balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
- An applicant said that if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
- An applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
- A candidate brought a large dog to interview.
- An applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed while standing up.
- One candidate dozed off during interview.

Top 35 Oxymorons

2009-05-02T17:50:00.001+08:00

35. State worker

34. Legally drunk

33. Exact estimate

32. Act naturally

31. Found missing

30. Resident alien

29. Genuine imitation

28. Airline Food

27. Good grief

26. Government organization

25. Sanitary landfill

24. Alone together

23. Small crowd

22. Business ethics

21. Soft rock

20. Butt Head

19. Military Intelligence

18. Sweet sorrow

17. Rural Metro (ambulance service)

16. "Now, then ..."

15. Passive aggression

14. Clearly misunderstood

13. Peace force

12. Extinct Life

11. Plastic glasses

10. Terribly pleased

9. Computer security

8. Political science

7. Tight slacks

6. Definite maybe

5. Pretty ugly

4. Rap music

3. Working vacation

2. Religious tolerance

1. Microsoft Works

Best Patients

2009-04-22T18:39:00.003+08:00

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

Construction Site Murder

2009-04-17T09:48:00.000+08:00

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

Employee Placement Method

2009-03-14T10:19:00.000+08:00

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

- If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

- If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

- If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

- If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

- If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

- If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

- If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

- If they've left early, put them in Sales.

- And if they're all bullying each other, they're Management material.

Mottos to Work By

2009-02-07T09:46:00.003+08:00

- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

- A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

- Plagiarism saves time.

- If at first you don't succeed, try management.

- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

You Know You're Growing Older When

2009-01-22T10:05:00.004+08:00

- Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.

- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

- You feel like you really hung on the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.

- You get winded playing chess.

- Your children begin to look middle-aged.

- You join a health club and don't go.

- You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

- Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

- You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.

- You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

- Dialing long distance wears you out.

Lessons from Mom

2008-12-20T21:18:00.001+08:00

My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX... "How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home."

and my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU.. then you'll see what it's like."

New Definations - But not found in any Dictionary

2008-11-13T23:00:00.004+08:00

abdicate (v), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.

carcinoma (n), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon.

esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

flabbergasted (adj), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

flatulence (n), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

gargoyle (n), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.

marionettes (n), residents of Washington DC who have been jerked around by the mayor.

negligent (adj), describes a condition where you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

semantics (n), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before mass.

My favorite George Burns quotes

2008-10-20T09:16:00.003+08:00

“I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.”

“Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.”

“I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.”

“Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.”

“I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoyed than be a success at something I hate.”

“When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.”

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

“People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways -- I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.”

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.”

“If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.”

“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”

“Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.”

"Competent" Employees

2008-10-13T23:11:00.002+08:00

For those of you in the supervisory positions, have you ever had an occasion to use any of the following quotes?
For those of you who are employees, good luck that your supervisor or boss does not ever use these words to describe your work attitude:)

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere but only out of morbid curiosity."

"This associate is really not so much a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change feet."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better we'll be."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should not be allowed to breed."

"This man has the whole six pack but is missing the plastic thingy that holds them all together."

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he is a carrier."

"He's been working with glue too much."

"He would argue with a signpost."

"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

"Is apparently very careful with equipment, as his tools show very little signs of wear."

Murphey's Laws Of Computing

2008-10-07T09:29:00.000+08:00

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

Pun with Coffee

2008-09-15T22:16:00.005+08:00

* Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'.

* Coffee has bean the grounds of many a heated and strong discussion.

* Does a coffee shop have the grounds to operate in the black?

* Selling coffee has its perks for those who have bean so lucky.

* I just had some coffee that was good only for its sedimental value.

* What do people buy coffee with? Starbucks.

* The author wasn't pleased to see a review of his book on cappuccino's. It said it was all froth and no substance.

* The concession stand at the circus had very good coffee. It was the greatest joe on earth.

* When they spilled coffee on his neck, he got hot under the collar.

* If you spend too much time in the coffee shop you'll be latte for work.

* My wife is trying to lose weight but continues to frequent the coffee shops for rich beverages and delicacies. You could say she is making a moccary of her diet.

Word puzzle 2 - Be the first to solve to Win 500 Entrecard Credits

2008-09-07T22:49:00.009+08:00

Latest update : I guess 100 credits is considered as peanuts. So I have upped the winning by 5 times. Yes, be the first to solve all five of these word puzzles to win 500 Entrecard Credit.

Don't wait. Put on your thinking caps NOW!

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My earlier word puzzle was quite challenging and I'm sure you guys had lots of fun at attempting to solve it. So now its time for a second helping:)

The same rules apply. The first person to solve all five puzzles and give me the correct answers will get 500 EC credits.

Each puzzle box below portrays a common word or phrase. Can you guess what it is?

Let me give you an example.

Answer: Since the word HEAD is over the word HEELS, the answer to the puzzle would be HEAD OVER HEELS! Get it? That's great!

So don't wait, wake up your brain by having some more fun with the teasers below and solve the puzzles first to win 100 EC credits!

Vanity Plates

2008-09-03T11:00:00.003+08:00

Check out these interesting plates.

-CSHFLW Negative Cashflow. In Missouri, the state usually
fills in any spaces on a vanity plate with a "-". This
person has the most creative use of that little quirk
of state government I've seen.

OOO LALA What more do you need to say? On a 1991 Red
Convertible Corvette with IL Plates

02 BE ME Modest fellow, isn't he? On a 1991 ZR-1 Corvette

16 APR On an accountant's car

187 Seen on a yellow '70s Cadillac Fleetwood Sedan with
dark windows and bullet holes all over the lower body
and doors. 187 is police code for murder.

10R SAX Tenor sax, on the car of a professional saxophonist

10SNE1 Tennis, anyone?

10SPRO Tennis Pro, seen on a white Porsche

1DFOAL Wonderful on a Ford Mustang. Get it? Foal as in baby
horse.

1DN1TGO One down, one to go. There are two daughters in the
family, and the older one has graduated college and
married, while the younger one has yet to do either.

1UPONU One up on you, on a Porsche

2 3PAIR Too(th r)epair...get it? On a dentist's car

24 KT A jeweler's car

26E4U Too Sexy for you!

29 CRIB The owner is president of the Madison Cribbage Club.
For cribbage neophytes, 29 is a perfect hand, VERY VERY
rare.

2BENVD To be envied, on a Corvette

2BLND4U Too blonde for you. The plate was in a plate holder; the
top of the plate said, "some blondes" and the bottom of
the plate said, upsidedown, "are intelligent."

2BORWAT To be or what? Modern day Hamlet?!

2M8OS Tomatoes. Either this guy is a vegetable or he's a
farmer

2MCHHP Too much horsepower, spotted on a Chevy SS

2N2R4 On the car of a school teacher in Plano, Texas

2ND2NUN Mother Theresa's right hand nun perchance? Seen on a
white Toyota Supra

2ND2SEX Second to sex, on a black Ferrari Convertible. Actually
you can have the best of both worlds ;)

2PCME To pee, see me! Urologist's plate

Fun with Puns

2008-08-31T09:33:00.001+08:00

What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

What did the toy store sign say? Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.

What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady"

What is the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.

What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie

They arrested the bartender for taking liquor home. I believe the official charge was "emboozlement."

I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.

What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

What is the difference between a unicorn and lettuce? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

The paradox of our time

2008-08-23T23:05:00.003+08:00

The paradox of our time in history
is that we have taller buildings but
shorter tempers, wider Freeways ,
but narrower viewpoints. We spend
more, but have less, we buy more,
but enjoy less. We have bigger
houses and smaller families, more
conveniences, but less time. We
have more degrees but less sense,
more knowledge, but less judgment,
more experts, yet more problems,
more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much,
spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry,
stay up too late, get up too tired,
read too little, watch TV too much,
and pray too seldom. We have multiplied
our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom,
and hate too often. We've learned how
to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life
to years. We've been all the way
to the moon and back, but have trouble
crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not
inner space. We've done larger things,
but not better things. We've cleaned
up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but
not our prejudice. We write more,
but learn less. We plan more,
but accomplish less. We've
learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold
more information, to produce more
copies than ever, but we communicate
less and less. These are the times
of fast foods and slow digestion,
big men and small character,
steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes
but more divorce, fancier houses,
but broken homes. These are days of
quick trips, disposable diapers,
throwaway morality, one night stands,
overweight bodies, and pills that do
everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

Why Guys Can't Win

2008-08-20T11:57:00.001+08:00

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

Wizened Proverbs

2008-08-17T17:02:00.000+08:00

- Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

- Man with one chopstick go hungry.

- Man who scratch bum should not bite fingernails.

- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

- War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

- Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

- Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

- Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

- Man who break wind in church sit in own pew.

- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Alcohol Consumption Warning

2008-08-13T10:23:00.001+08:00

- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

- The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

- The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

- The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

- The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your behind kicked.

- The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

- The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

- The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

- The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

Twin Trouble

2008-08-04T14:38:00.001+08:00

Upon telling people that I am a twin, I have heard some really interesting comments. I can't tell you how many times this exchange has happened:

"Are you two related?"
"Yes, we're twins."
"Gosh, you look so much alike I would have thought you were sisters."

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One of the stories my twin sister and I like to tell is that neither my mother nor her doctor had any idea she was going to have twins until a nurse in the delivery room looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my gosh, there's another one!"

A friend to whom I told this story remarked, "Wow! How old were you when this happened?"

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Around the beginning of the school year, my sister was talking to a guy in her history class. Apparently the same guy was in my English class but didn't realize there were two of us. He came up to my sister and said, "Hi Sarah."

My sister corrected him. "No, I'm Jennifer."

He got really confused and asked, "Well, how come they call you Sarah in English class?"

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If I had a nickel for every time someone pulled something like this on my sister and me....

Someone: "So you two are twins?"
My Sister and Me: "Yep."
Someone: "But you can't be twins! Your names don't rhyme! Her shoelaces are bigger than yours! Your clothes don't match! You weren't born at the exact same second!"
My Sister and Me: (sigh)

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One of my favorite exchanges about being a twin happens every now and again. It goes like this:

"How old are you?"
"I'm 27."
"How old is your twin sister?"

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I have twins that are five months old. Once I was talking to a young man, maybe 19 or 20, who looked at my babies and asked if I had two boys or two girls. I replied, "Oh, they're a boy and a girl."

"I thought they were twins?"

"They are!" I answered, and then I had to explain that, yes, this was possible. He couldn't seem to grasp the difference between fraternal and identical twins.

Finally he asked, "Are you sure?"

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When I was in college, I was working for a savings and loan as a security guard at night. One evening, my identical twin brother stopped by, and one of my not-so-bright co-workers was amazed:

Co-Worker: "Wow, are you guys twins?"
Me: "Yeah."
Co-Worker: "How do you tell each other apart?"
He was not joking.

Word Puzzles Contest 1 Answers and Winner

2008-08-01T11:11:00.005+08:00

Congrats to English Advantage who answered correctly to all five puzzles first. Canucklehead gets a consolation prize of 50 EC credits for answering 4 of them right.

Now for the answers

Answer : Missing You

Answer : Space invaders

Answer : Split second timing

Answer : Too intense (2 in tens)

Answer : Down to Earth

Word Puzzles Contest 1

2008-07-30T00:15:00.003+08:00

My first contest for this blog was extremely easy. There were only 3 participants and all of them got the correct answers to my riddles. So I hope this puzzles will prove to be more challenging.

The same rules apply. The first person to solve all five puzzles and give me the correct answers will get 100 EC credits.

Each puzzle box below portrays a common word or phrase. Can you guess what it is?

Let me give you an example.

Answer: Since the word HEAD is over the word HEELS, the answer to the puzzle would be HEAD OVER HEELS! Get it? That's great!

So don't wait, wake up your brain by having some more fun with the teasers below and solve the puzzles first to win 100 EC credits!

Punny Entertainers

2008-07-26T19:52:00.003+08:00

1. The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

2. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

3. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

4. I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.

5. For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.

6. Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

7. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.

8. Somebody was running a flea circus, but a dog came and stole the show.

9. I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.

10. A circus lion won't eat clowns because they taste funny.

11. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

12. Soldiers in plays like to Shakespeares.

13. A pun is its own reword.

14. When James Bond slept through the earthquake, he was shaken but not stirred.

15. The unveiling of the statue was a monumental occasion.

16. A former doctor, while auditioning for a play, broke his leg. But luckily, he could still make the cast.

17. Thirsty jokers can be seen waiting in the punch line.

18. I keep reading 'The Lord of the Rings' over and over. I guess it's just force of hobbit.

19. When a vampire decided to become a poet, everyone said he went from bat to verse.

20. When the human cannonball retired they couldn't find a replacement of the right caliber.

21. I like to stay current with the electrifying adventures of Sherlock ohms.

22. A tight-rope walker enjoys being on-line.

23. To kill a circus in one blow, go for the juggler.

24. Two ladies were discussing the planetarium show they had just seen. One said the show was fantastic. The other agreed but added 'Most of it was over my head.'

25. I hear the Sylvester Stallone Film Festival got off to a rocky start.

Low Impact Exercise

2008-07-21T22:41:00.000+08:00

Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge. Here are the things I have become good at:

* Beating around the bush
* Jumping to conclusions
* Climbing the walls
* Swallowing my pride
* Passing the buck
* Throwing my weight around
* Dragging my heels
* Pushing my luck
* Making Mountains out of molehills
* Hitting the nail on the head
* Wading through paperwork
* Bending over backwards
* Jumping on the bandwagon
* Balancing the books
* Running around in circles
* Eating crow
* Tooting my own horn
* Climbing the ladder of success
* Pulling out the stops
* Adding fuel to the fire
* Opening a can of worms
* Putting my foot in my mouth
* Starting the ball rolling
* Going over the edge

Can you solve these Riddles

2008-07-19T01:21:00.003+08:00

Hi everyone,

The first person to solve the following three riddles by commenting and giving me the correct answers will get 100 EC credits.

So have fun and flex your Grey cells NOW!

Riddle 1

Fill in the blanks using the same three letters at the end as at the beginning in the same order to find a place where water flows free: _ _ _ ERGRO _ _ _

Riddle 2

Feed me and I Live
Give me Drink and I Die

What Am I?

Riddle 3

What english word means burning wood when you take away the first letter of the word?

Poem Quotes by who else but poets

2008-07-16T08:51:00.002+08:00

"A poet is someone who is astonished by everything."
-- Anonymous

"Reality only reveals itself when it is illuminated by a ray of poetry."
-- Georges Brague

"The poet doesn't invent. He listens. "
--Jean Cocteau

" In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite."
-- Paul Dirac

" Genuine poetry can communicate before it is understood."
-- T. S. Eliot

"The adventitious beauty of poetry may be felt in the greater delight with a verse given in a happy quotation than in the poem."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

" There is not a particle of life which does not bear poetry within it."
-- Gustave Flaubert

"A poem begins with a lump in the throat. "
--Robert Frost

" Poetry is the language in which man explores his own amazement."
-- Christopher Fry

" There's no money in poetry, but there's no poetry in money, either."
-- Robert Ranke Graves

" Poetry is to hold judgment on your soul."
-- Henrik Ibsen

" When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses."
-- John F. Kennedy

"Perhaps no person can be a poet, or can even enjoy poetry, without a certain unsoundness of mind."
--Thomas Babington Macaulay

"The poem is the point at which our strength gave out. "
--Richard Rosen

" Science is for those who learn; poetry, for those who know."
-- Joseph Roux

"Poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world. "
--Percy Byshe Shelley

"Wanted: a needle swift enough to sew this poem into a blanket. "
--Charles Simic

"A poem is never finished, only abandoned. "
--Paul Valéry

"Poetry is the music of the soul, and, above all, of great and feeling souls."
-- Voltaire

"Poetry is the breath and finer spirit of all knowledge."
-- William Wordsworth

Proof of Stupidity

2008-07-09T12:53:00.001+08:00

Overheard this on a London bus:

First Woman: "I don't know what to get Fred for his birthday."
Second Woman: "Why don't you get him a book?"
First Woman: (after a moment's thought) "Nah, he's already got a book."

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At the fish hatchery where I work, we have a small display that describes the now-extinct Michigan Grayling (a kind of fish). This summer, I had the following conversation with a tourist:

Tourist: "Is the Grayling still extinct?"
Me: "Yes sir, it doesn't exist anymore."
Tourist: "Any thoughts of bringing it back?"
Me: "No, I don't think that's possible."
Tourist: "Why not?"
Me: "Because it's extinct."
Tourist: "Still?"
Me: "Yes."
Frustrated, he left.

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I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items, and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider and looked all over it for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

I said, "I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said, "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue about what had just happened.

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Overheard at a movie theater snack bar:

Customer: "I'll have a large popcorn."
Clerk: "Sorry, our popper is broken. How about a hotdog?"
Customer: "Ok, I'll have a hot dog."
Clerk: "We're out of hot dogs."

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This happened a couple of years ago in a local electronics store.

Me: "I am looking to buy a large screen TV, but I have heard that they scratch easily."
Salesman: "Not at all true! Let me show you."
The salesman took a quarter out of his pocket and make a huge scratch in one of the display models.

Salesman: "As you can see, there is no scratch."
Me: "What are you talking about?? Look at that huge scratch right there!"
Salesman: "There's nothing there. Here, let me show you again."
He proceeded to deface two more TVs.

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My girlfriend and I visited together with her friend in an old churchyard from the 1700s. Among the tombstones was one dated around 1725 that had fresh flowers by it.

Our Friend: "I wonder who has been here with the flowers?"
My Girlfriend: (joking) "I guess the widow has been here."
Our Friend: "Yes, I guess you're right. Who else could it have been?"

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My doctor's office gives each patient a card with the date of the next appointment. One lady came in with her card on August 23rd, and here's what happened:

Lady: "My card says to be here on the 28th at 10am, and I'm here!"
Receptionist: "But, ma'am, today is the 23rd."
Lady: "No it isn't, my card says the 28th!"
Receptionist: "I know your card says the 28th, but that's next Monday."
Lady: "No, my card says to be here on the 28th, and I'm here!"
This went on for several minutes.

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The following call came in at 7:30 this morning:

Me: "Hello?"
Some Woman: "Mannie?"
Me: "Ma'am, what number are you trying to reach?"
Some Woman: "Mannie, y'all get up now, cause y'all are goin' to Sunday School, okay, sweetie?"
Me: "Ma'am, I am not your sweetie. You have a wrong number!"
Some Woman: "Okay, sweetie, see you soon!" (click)

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I work as a cashier at a grocery store that was celebrating its grand re-opening. To draw customers, we were mailing out coupons for various free items, such as eggs, soda, chips, etc. The coupon for the chips was very specific: it had to be a 13 1/4 bag of Lays Potato Chips.

One lady was a bit confused. Upon handing me her bag of chips and the corresponding coupon, she said, "The coupon says thirteen and one fourth, but I guess this is close enough, right?" I checked. The net weight of the bag was given as 13.25 ounces. I looked up, certain she was joking.

She wasn't.

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This stupidity was a story my friend told me about his girlfriend at the time. When he told me the story, I didn't believe him, so I asked his girlfriend (who thought the South Pole was hot because it was in the South), and she confirmed the story.

He and his girlfriend were necking in his car when there was a power failure. All the street lights when out, and all the houses around were dark. She said, "Oh no, you won't be able to start your car!" He told her it would start just fine, and then she said, "But your headlights won't work! You won't be able to see where you're going!"

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Near here (Hastings, MI) is a restored water powered grain mill. It has been turned into a public attraction and several historic buildings have been moved to the grounds.

The guide, telling about a two story house, explained that the upper story was added several years after the lower part. One family insisted on knowing where the builders found an upper story that fit. The guide explained that "they just built it," but the family still insisted on knowing where the builders found an upper story that fit. Finally, in exasperation, the guide said, "They bought it at Sears."

The family went away happy, apparently not aware that the house had been built long before Sears had ever been conceived.

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I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.

She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

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I was working in a photo store, which specializes in restoring old photographs, when a lady brought in a old picture of a man sitting behind a cow, milking it.

Her: "Can you fix this picture for me?"
Me: "Sure. What would you like us to do?"
Her: "Can you move the cow?"
Me: "Move the cow?"
Her: "I want to know what my great-grandfather looked like. That's him."
She pointed to the feet sticking out under the cow.

Me: "I don't think we can do that."
Her: "Just move the cow over, and we'll be able to see his face."
Me: "I'm sorry. We don't have the technology to do that."
Her: (getting huffy) "Well, I guess I'll just take this somewhere else."

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I am a very frequent taxi user, especially for the trip from Melbourne's airport to the city center. The trip started in the usual fashion; I gave the taxi driver the destination, got grunts in return, and we edged out onto the motorway and accelerated to about 115 kmph. Then the driver braked down to about 90. He then eased back up to 110. Braked to 90 again. After four or five repetitions I asked if there was a problem with the car.

Driver: "Eh?"
Me: "Is there something wrong with the car? You're braking all the time."
Driver: "Eh?"
Me: "You know, every time you get above 110 you brake"
Driver: "Oh, that. Don't wanna speed, they take ma license, you know?"
Me: "Sure, but why brake?"
Driver: "Eh?"
Me: "Why brake? Why not just not accelerate?"
Driver: "Doan wanna speed, y'know?"
I pondered this for another couple of brake-accelerate repetitions, then spoke up again.

Me: "Hey. Let's just try something, all right?"
Driver: "Eh?"
Me: "When you get to 110, just take your foot of the accelerator. Don't brake."
Driver: "Accelerator?"
Me: "Take your foot off the pedal."
Driver: "Ah."
We reach 110. The driver backs of the pedal. The car slows, magically.

Driver: "HEY MAN! That's great! I'm gonna use that from now on!"
At the end of the ride I showed the driver how to accept credit card payments on his system and wished him better luck with his second fare.

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With his car up on a lift in the garage where my father worked, the owner of a 1970s Cadillac (with the extra wheel well fenders that covered a fair portion of the tires) asked that all four wheels be rotated such that the valve stems were "pointing up" (and therefore not obstructed by the fender extensions). This was to ensure that the next time he pulled into a service station to put air into the tires, all four valve stems would be accessible without needing to move the car several times to get access.

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In my high school civics class the air conditioner didn't have the vents to direct which way the air would blow for most of the first semester, so everyone who sat in the back of the class would freeze, while the people sitting in the front were always hot. One day, somebody in the back decided to take a stand against the teacher and declare the class to be cold. He stood up and said, "Mrs. Barnes, it's cold in here. We need to turn the air off."

Since this was a class that always had to argue, someone else said "Turn it off?"

The first person, being the exceptionally bright student that he is, retorted, "Yeah, off. O - F."

Then one of our other geniuses decided to pipe up and said, "I would have laughed so hard if you had spelled that wrong."

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In my high school biology class, one day, we were watching a video about wildcats in Africa. At one point, a flood had receeded, and the cats were hunting for fish stranded in small pools of water. A girl in the back piped up.

Her: "What's it doing?"
Teacher: "It's looking for fish."
Her: "Why?"
Teacher: "So it can eat the fish."
Her: "Oh." (pause) "I thought cats ate cat food."

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I work in the Toy Department at a Walmart, and one day I was asked to do a price check. The cashier explained to me that a customer wanted to buy some puzzles, priced at 4 for $5.00, but they were ringing up at $1.25 a piece. Apparently neither the customer nor the cashier ever made it through sixth grade math.

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I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

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I was pulling into a gas station one day when I saw a woman drive off with the nozzle still in her gas tank. She jerked the nozzle right off the hose. Realizing what she had done, she pulled back in, took the nozzle out of the tank, and put it back on the pump. Then she went inside to straighten things out with the management.

While she was inside, a young man pulled up to the pump. He took the nozzle, with no hose attached, into his tank. He couldn't seem to figure out why he wasn't getting any gas. He even took the nozzle out and repositioned it in the tank a couple times. I thought about pointing out the obvious problem to him but then decided that he'd be embarrassed enough when he figured it out on his own.

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About a year and a half ago I went with a couple of buddies to a hardware store to get some paint for my living room. Since we were buying paint we started talking about various facets of house painting, home renovation, etc. I brought up the fact that I wanted to paint my bedroom camouflage when I was little, but my parents wouldn't let me. The clerk looked at us with a straight face and said, "How would you go about mixing camouflage paint anyway?" I had to walk out of the store very quickly so I wouldn't laugh in the clerk's face.

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In Canada, we have recently begun receiving and using new $10 bills that are harder for counterfeiters to reproduce. I overheard this conversation, between two ladies, on a bus:

Lady #1: "You know the new $10 bills? Do you know how much it costs the government to print them?"
Lady #2: "I don't know. Twenty bucks each?"
Lady #1: "Well, that's what I thought too, but I saw on the news yesterday that they only cost four cents!"
Lady #2: "WHAT?? Four cents! And we pay ten bucks for them? What a rip off!"

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I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

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The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a dense co-worker of mine; she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.

She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

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At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

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Once I was on a school trip to England. We flew there in a Boeing 747. Shortly after take-off, the flight attendant had distributed candy. One girl didn't know what to do with the wrapper, so she started trying to open the window. Others nearby started snickering, but she shouted, "Shut up and help me open this bloody window!"

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Twelve years ago, while stationed in Germany, I walked into the post exchange at Leighton Barracks in Wurzburg to purchase some velcro. I told the woman in the fabrics section that I needed two yards of the stuff. She frowned and informed me, "We only sell it it feet." At first I thought she was being humorous, but when I realized she was serious I said, "Ok, then, give me six feet." For a moment I was afraid she was going to cut it into twelve-inch segments, but instead she hauled out a length and began measuring it against the yardstick attached to the table. She paused, looked, thought, then measured out two yards, cut it and rang it up without another word.

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While I was watching a football game on TV with my friend and his wife once, a player was knocked out of bounds with considerable force. He plowed right into a technician holding one of those satellite dish-shaped microphones who did not even have time to attempt to avoid the collision. During the replay which showed the technician getting knocked over backwards and doing about three summersaults, his wife replied sarcastically, "Right, like that little shield was going to protect him!"

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I work for a cable company. About two years ago a storm caused terrific damage to a neighborhood about three blocks from our office. A customer called to complain that his cable was off. I asked his address. When he gave it to me, I recognized it immediately. I had done a damage survey less than an hour before.

Me: "Sir, isn't this the big yellow two story house on the corner that's divided into apartments?"
Him: "Yes."
Me: "Well, sir, a tree is lying on your roof isn't it?"
Him: "Yes."
Me: "Sir, that tree tore down the power, phone, and cable lines. We'll have to wait until your landlord has the tree removed to fix the cable."
Him: "Listen, I want my service fixed now. I don't care about the tree."
Yeah, that makes sense. Let it rain in the house but don't miss must-see-TV!

Me: "Well, sir, even if the tree was gone, we have to wait for the power company to remove the power lines."
Him: "I don't care about that. I want you to fix my cable now!"
Me: "Sir, even if the cable was working, without power you couldn't turn on the TV."
It was about this time I wondered how he was calling me -- remember, the phone line was down too. He answered the question for me.

Him: "Listen buddy, I've got a generator and a cell phone. I've got to see the game. I don't care how big the hole is in the screen of the set. I can work around that."

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A family was plagued by a "techno-terrorist" who terrorized the family in many ways. The family would be on the phone talking to a relative or friend, and the hacker would break into the conversation and say some pretty rude things. He also managed to turn the lights on and off in the house. Everyone was baffled, and the police were eventually called in, along with Bell Canada, and the electric company. Bell and the electric company both insisted that such a thing could not be done, but everyone was convinced of the hacker's ability to control the phones and electricity in the house. The electric company rewired the house three times, all to no avail. Everyone was completely baffled as to how someone could do this. Modern technology was to blame, of course.

After about three weeks of terror, the son confessed. It turned out that he gained control of the electricity by going to the main power feed and turning it off, and he gained control of the phones by picking up another extension in the house. Needless to say, the family was stuck with the bill for rewiring the electricity and the phones, and they were fined by the police to boot.

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While on a ski trip in Wyoming, I encountered a husband and wife on the slopes who asked me if I would take a picture of them. I said I would be happy to, and I did. Then I asked if they wouldn't mind taking a picture of me.

"Oh...sorry," the man answered, "but we only have two pictures left, and we wanted to take some pictures of the lodge."

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When I brought my mother-in-law home one afternoon, she discovered that she didn't have her key to her second story apartment. I went to the garage, took out the ladder, and climbed up, finding that all the windows were locked. As I stood there on the ladder, deciding whether to break the window or not, she looked up at me and said, "Too bad Mrs. Jones (the owner of the building) isn't here. She has a key to my apartment, and she could go up and open the window for you!"

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A friend of mine was showing me a little fold-away phone number list that he kept in his wallet. The way it worked was that the piece of paper with the telephone list is glued to two magnets the size and shape of a credit card. The paper folded up accordion-style and was secured by the two magnets sticking together.

Me: "Wow! This magnetic telephone list is cool!"
Friend: "What? That's not magnetic."
Me: "Umm...yeah, it is. See, these two things on the end are magnets, and they stick together."
Friend: "Oh, so that's why my credit cards won't work anymore!"
Me: "So, how did you think it stuck together if you didn't think they were magnets?"
Friend: "I thought it was just paper suction."

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I set a VCR up for my father and asked if there was anything he'd like taped soon so I could show him the on-screen programming. There was, and I did, and I said, "Then you just put a blank tape in and shut the VCR off, and it will come on and tape your program at the right time."

Sound instructions. Except my father had heard that you shouldn't leave a blank tape in the VCR, so he took out the tape and shut the power off.

Without the tape in the VCR, the timer icon blinked in warning. So he unplugged the VCR.

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At a nursing home where I worked several years ago, a nurse on frequent evening duty had bought a VCR in order to tape some of the shows she missed while at work. However, she had some trouble programming it -- not once had it taped anything -- so she asked if I could help her. She would bring the remote and the instruction manual with her the next evening.

On a break the following evening I walked her through programming her VCR, and she repeatedly said that she had done exactly like I showed her, but it still hadn't taped anything. I was a bit mystified, so I handed her the remote and asked her to show me how she programmed it. She looked in the evening's TV listing, found a show she wanted to tape, and pressed all the right buttons on the remote, just as she was supposed to do, if she wanted to set the VCR correctly. And then she asked me: "So when I get home, it will have taped the show, right?"

Her home was about 15 miles from the nursing home. I politely explained her that it was probably outside the remote control's range, and if she programmed her VCR before leaving for work, it might help. It did.

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The mother of a friend went to New York City for the first time and was approached by a homeless man soliciting the sale of a bottle of exclusive moisturizer, normally retailed at $80, for only $5. She reached for her purse enthusiastically and said, "Sir, will there be tax on that?" When the man recovered from laughing, he made the sale -- tax free.

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Several years ago when we were still in high school, my friend, her sister, and I were watching the Olympics. Her sister asked us why rodeos weren't an Olympic sport. We said,"Because the U.S. is probably the only country where rodeos take place." She was very quick to argue, "Nuh uh, Oklahoma has rodeos too."

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It's amazing how stupid people can be on the telephone. I used to work for a major northwestern bank in the collections department, and we would frequently get calls like this:

Caller: "Could I speak to [somebody's name]?"
Me: "I'm sorry, but that person is [on vacation, out of the office, otherwise unavailable]. Would you like to leave a message?"
Caller: (annoyed) "I'm calling long distance!"
As if calling long distance will magically make the individual magically appear in the office!

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Caller: "Can I speak to Mr. [name], please?"
Me: "I'm sorry, Mr. [name] is on vacation."
Caller: "I'll hold."

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When my friend got her driver's license, her sister looked at it and, quite perplexed asked, "'Donor'? What did you doan?" My friend corrected her, "I donated my organs in the event that I die." Her confused response: "Don't you need them?"

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I work for a cable company, and this is without a doubt the stupidest question a customer has ever called in with. It was during a blizzard, which had knocked out power in the many areas.

Customer: "Hi, my cable is out."
Me: "Ok, do you have power?"
Customer: "No, but my cable is out."
Me: "Well sir, if your power is out you wouldn't get cable."
Customer: "Why the hell not? What does my power have to do with cable?"
Me: "Well sir, without power you--"
Customer: "Look, just get my cable working. Send someone out."
Then he hung up, without so much as giving his name or address.

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Once I found myself in the dubious position of Customer Assistant at a university computer center. We had three computers that were used for students to sign up for email accounts. Signs were on all the walls, in and out of the computer lab, that read "Email Account Setup This Way" and pointed toward these three computers. Still, every day, two or three people would ask us where to sign up for an email account.

Frustrated, I created a seven step sign in large letters, detailing the exact procedure to follow in order to get to these computers:

How to Sign Up for an Email Account

Look at the other end of the room from where you are standing.
Notice the computers labeled "Email Account Setup."
Go to one of them.
Sit down at it.
Fill out the form you see in the Netscape browser with your relevant information.
Hit "Submit."
Remember your username and password.

One day, soon after putting this sign up, an older man came in with his daughter. He walked up, started to speak, and then noticed the sign. He read it, looked over his shoulder, turned back, read some more, looked over his shoulder again, conversed quietly with his daughter, read a bit more, then walked up to the window and asked, "Where do we sign up for an email account?"

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Phone Sales Representative: "Ok, now I need the billing address of the card."
Customer: "But I want it shipped to my daughter at school."
Phone Sales Representative: "That's not a problem; I can ship anywhere you like, but I do need the correct billing address."
Customer: "Ok."
I pause, expecting him to supply me with the address.

Phone Sales Representative: "Sir, the billing address please?"
Customer: "Oh, were you waiting for me? I'm sorry. I send the payments to a PO Box in Maryland, I think. Do you really need that address?"
Phone Sales Representative: "No, sir, not where you send the payments, but where you receive the statements."
Customer: "A statement?" (rustle, rustle) "Yeah, here's one. It's PO Box 2386, Towson, MD."
Phone Sales Representative: "Sir, is that Towson address you just gave me where you send your payments or where you receive your statements?"
Customer. "Oh, the statements come here."
Phone Sales Representative: "And what is that address?"
Customer: "But I want it shipped to--"
Phone Sales Representative: "--your daughter at school. Right. But I still need a valid billing address."
Customer: "Young lady, if you would just tell me what you need from me, I would be happy to supply it."
Phone Sales Representative: "Where do your credit card statements come?"
Customer: "I told you. They come from Towson, MD."
Phone Sales Representative: "Not where they come from, where you receive them."
Customer: "In the mail, of course! You're not very smart, are you?"
Phone Sales Representative: "Sir, when you receive your statement from the credit card company and open it up to look at it, where are you standing?"
Customer: "In my kitchen."
Phone Sales Representative: "Your kitchen at home?"
Customer: "Of course!"
Phone Sales Representative: "Great! And what is your home address then?"
Customer: (finally supplies the address) "If you just wanted my home address, why on earth didn't you just ask for it?"

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Phone Sales Representative: "Will you be paying by credit card?"
Customer: "Yes."
Phone Sales Representative: "Ok, I need your credit card number and your name as it appears on the card, please."
Customer: "WHAT?!? I'm not giving my credit card to you over the phone! Then your company will have access to it!"
He hung up. Saved me the trouble, actually.

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Some time ago I worked for an independent TV station in Northern Ontario. The transmitter was off the air, and it was my job to go to the transmitter site to restore service. Before I left the station manager asked me why there was no sound or picture. I explained the transmitter was off, and I was on my way to fix the problem. He then instructed me to ask master control to run an announcement that we were off the air and would be back on as soon as possible.

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Just when I was beginning to have faith that the world of politics was becoming standard knowledge for nearly all Americans, this happened to me.

I was in the hallway where a girl was talking to her friend. In a nutshell, she was convinced that the name of a person running for President of the United States was "Bush Cheney."

I just about lost it, but then she topped herself. She said that the prime opponent was someone named "Kerry Edwards," adding that she thought he was a guy but could be wrong, "because Kerry sounds like a girl's name."

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

"Does the sun rise in the north?" she asked.

When another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

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I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

"Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" he asked.

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So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible but didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving.

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I was in an advanced high school physics class, and the teacher was talking about a new military weapon that used sonic waves on the battlefield to burst enemy soldiers' chests. One person in the class spoke up and said, "Well that's stupid! Why don't they just wear headphones?"

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the passenger side door's map pocket.

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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

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I was hanging out with a friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals, and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"

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I worked for a lighting control manufacturer, and our toll-free number was only one digit off from one of GE's. This resulted in a number of misdirected calls, but the most memorable was this one.

Me: "Thank you for calling (company name). How may we help you today?"
Customer: "I just bought this doorbell chime and can't seem to get it to work."
Me: "Sir, we don't make doorbell chimes."
Customer: "I just got it today, and this is the number on the side of the box."
Me: "Who manufactured the doorbell chime?"
Customer: "You did."
Me: "Sir, we are a lighting controls and building automation manufacturer. We don't make doorbell chimes."
Customer: "Well, it has your company's name on the side of the box."
Me: "And what name would that be sir?"
Customer: "Don't you know your own company's name!? GE!"
Me: "Ah, that's the problem, sir. We are not GE. We are (company name)."
Customer: "So? Can you help me or not?"
Me: "Sir, we don't make doorbell chimes, so I have no idea how to help you."
Customer: "Well you made it didn't you?"
Me: "No, sir, we didn't. It's best you check the number on the box again."
Customer: "But it's your number, and if you need it I can fax you the instructions."
Me: "Sir, the instructions won't help us as we did not make the doorbell chime."
Customer: "Well that's rude."
Me: "Sir, it's a doorbell chime. If you need help installing it then please call GE."
Customer: "This isn't GE?"
Me: "No, sir, this is (company name)."
Customer: "But doesn't GE own your company?"
Me: "No, sir."
Customer: "Funny. I thought GE owned everything."
I finally got him to read the number on the box and pointed out that he was off by one digit. He thanked me and hung up. Ten minutes later, he called again and (lucky me) got me again.

Customer: "I want to let you guys know that some of your techs are very rude on the phone."
Me: "I am sorry, sir. Do you know who you were talking to?"
Customer: "I'm not sure. He was with one of your subsidiaries. (Company name), I think."
Me: "Sir, this is (company name)."
Customer: "This isn't GE?"
Me: "No, sir, this is not GE."
Customer: "Can you help me with this doorbell chime?"
Aargh.

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In my high school geometry class we were using protractors. This bimbo girl (imagine valley girl like speech) was holding her transparent plastic protractor saying:

Her: "Those stupid Japanese people put the numbers on backwards!"
She was holding it upside down. I thought she was kidding. She wasn't.

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I work at a Target store in a large city, where I work in customer service and sometimes as a cashier. Like most other retail stores, we have credit card machines (called PIN pads at our store) at each of our registers, so that people can pay with their credit cards as employees are ringing up merchandise. The PIN pad clearly states on the screen, "Please select card type." Beneath this are two buttons clearly marked "Credit" and "Debit." If you do not press one of these two buttons first, nothing will happen when you slide your card. The instructions on the PIN pad seem simple enough to me, but I am constantly amazed at the number of people who just cannot seem to comprehend the process. What follows is an exchange between a particularly rude customer and me.

The woman walked up to the counter with credit card in hand. I finished ringing up her purchases (she had already been rude by this time), and she marched up to the credit card machine, stared at the screen for several moments (mind you, this screen was instructing her to select her card type first) and proceeded to swipe her card. Several times in a row. Upside down AND backwards.

Me: "Ma'am, will (swipe) you be (swipe) paying with (swipe) credit or debit today?"
Customer: (swiping furiously) "Your machine isn't working."
Me: "Please turn your card around. No, that way, yes, and now--"
Customer: (swipe) "See, it's still not working."
Me: "That's because you have to press the credit button or the debit button first, then swipe your card."
Customer: (swipe)
Me: "Press credit or debit first."
Customer: (swipe)
Me: "Credit or debit?"
Customer: "Oh, well nobody told me that."
So she pressed the debit button and swiped her card. The machine instructed her to key in her PIN number, since the card was a checkcard being used as debit instead of credit. I noticed that the customer was standing there looking confusedly at the screen again, so I asked her to key in her PIN number for her debit card.

Customer: "What's a PIN number?"
Me: "Your personal identification number for your checkcard. Usually four digits."
Customer: "I don't have a PIN number."
Me: "Ma'am that is a checkcard, which means it should have a PIN number."
Customer: "Well, then, I don't know it."
Me: "Then I can just run this card through as a credit card, and you won't have to enter a PIN number."
Customer: "Oh, no, no, no! Don't do that! I don't want to pay with credit. I want this to come out of my checking account."
Me: "It will come out of your checking account. This card isn't like a credit card -- it's the same thing as using debit, just without the PIN number."
Customer: "I'm not going to let you do that. Then I will have to pay interest."
I decided not to argue and asked her if she had any other card she'd like to use. She said she didn't. I asked her if she'd like to write a check. No. I asked her if she wanted to use cash, and she said she didn't have any with her.

Customer: "I want to use this card. I don't have a PIN number. Just make something up."
Me: "That won't work."
Luckily, the woman's husband came walking up, wondering what was taking us so long. She explained the situation to him.

Husband: "Well, you have your PIN number written down in your wallet, where you keep all your credit cards."
Customer: "Oh, I thought that was for my car keys."
I won't even venture a guess as to what she was talking about.

Political Flubs

2008-07-04T11:55:00.001+08:00

Outside of the killings, [Washington] has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.

"There are two kinds of truth. There are real truths, and there are made up truths." -- Marion Barry, on his arrest for drug use.

"If crime went down 100%, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be." -- Councilman John Bowman, commenting on the high crime rate in Washington, D.C.

"[I want to] make sure everybody who has a job wants a job." -- George Bush, during his first campaign for the presidency.

"I would like to thank Nasal Beard for that warm welcome." -- George Bush, thanking Hazel Beard, mayor of Shreveport, Louisiana, in 1992.

"Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning?" -- George W. Bush

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." -- George W. Bush

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case." -- George W. Bush

"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor as you like to be liked yourself." -- George W. Bush

"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." -- George W. Bush

"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question." -- George W. Bush

"This campaign not only hears the voices of the entrepreneurs and the farmers and the entrepreneurs, we hear the voices of those struggling to get ahead." -- George W. Bush

"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile." -- George W. Bush

"Actually, I -- this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about--when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me." -- George W. Bush

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?" -- George W. Bush

"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve." -- George W. Bush, speaking during Perseverance Month.

"A proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof. And when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven." -- Jean Chretien

"When a great many people are unable to find work, unemployment results." -- Calvin Coolidge, ex-president, discussing the United States economic situation in 1931.

"This opens the door on another chapter of history." -- Walter Cronkite

"President Carter speaks loudly and carries a fly spotter, a fly swasher -- it's been a long day." -- Gerald Ford

"If Lincoln was alive today, he'd roll over in his grave." -- Gerald Ford

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." -- Gerald Ford

"I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio." -- Gerald Ford

"That is what has made America last these past 200 centuries." -- Gerald Ford

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." -- Charles de Gaulle, President of France

"A zebra does not change its spots." -- Al Gore

"The theories -- the ideas she expressed about equality of results within legislative bodies and with -- by outcome, by decisions made by legislative bodies, ideas related to proportional voting as a general remedy, not in particular cases where the circumstances make that a feasible idea..." -- Al Gore

"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep." -- Senator S. I. Hayakawa

"Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans." -- Alf Landon (in America), during a speech in his presidential campaign against FDR.

"There is a mandate to impose a voluntary return to traditional values." -- Ronald Reagan

"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up, and I think we're going to succeed." -- Ronald Reagan

"The right to suffer is one of the joys of a free economy." -- Howard Pyle, aide to President Dwight D. Eisenhower, commenting on the unemployment situation in Detroit.

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia -- it's only the people who make them unsafe." -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

"A man could not be in two places at the same time unless he were a bird." -- Sir Boyle Roche, eighteenth century Member of Parliament from Tralee.

"I'm not indecisive. Am I indecisive?" -- Jim Scheibel, mayor of St. Paul, Minnesota.

"Wait a minute! I'm not interested in agriculture. I want the military stuff." -- Senator William Scott, during a briefing in which officials began telling him about missile silos.

Murray Walker Blunders

2008-06-23T08:15:00.001+08:00

After active service in World War II and a successful career in advertising, Murray Walker became a sports commentator in 1949. Over the next 52 years, he made a name for himself with his commentating on motor racing, particularly Formula 1. His catch-phrase, "Unless I'm very much mistaken -- and I AM very much mistaken!" was the leader of a pack of quotable lines from Walker's commentating. Many of them were verbal blunders of some kind; he specialized, it seemed, in putting one person in two different places at the same time.

Unless I'm very much mistaken -- I AM very much mistaken!"

"Look up there! That's the sky!"

"Jenson Button is in the top ten, in eleventh position."

"And this is the third place car about to lap the second place car."

"This is an interesting circuit, because it has inclines. And not just up, but down as well."

"And there's the man in the green flag!"

"That's the first time he had started from the front row in a Grand Prix, having done so in Canada earlier this year."

"And he's lost both right front tires."

"Only a few more laps to go and then the action will begin. Unless this is the action, which it is."

"And there's no damage to the car. Except to the car itself."

"Mansell can see him in his earphone."

"Anything happens in Grand Prix racing, and it usually does."

"Alboreto has dropped back up to fifth place."

"As you look at the first four, the significant thing is that Alboreto is fifth."

"Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough?"

"I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it must be some sort of grip problem."

"I know it's an old cliche, but you can cut the atmosphere with a cricket stump."

"Alesi is in second place, and Hill is in second place."

"The lead is now 6.9 seconds. In fact, it's just under 7 seconds."

"Tambay's hopes, which were nil before, are absolutely zero now."

"This has been a great season for Nelson Piquet, as he is now known, and always has been."

"And the first five places are filled by five different cars."

"As you can see, visually, with your eyes."

"And Damon Hill is following Damon Hill."

"Michael Schumacher is leading Michael Schumacher."

"Jacques Lafitte is as close to Surer as Surer is to Lafitte."

"Jean Alesi is 4th and 5th."

"Villeneuve is now twelve seconds ahead of Villeneuve."

"Frentzen is taking, er, reducing that gap between himself and Frentzen."

"Ferrari leads, McLaren second, McLaren second, Jordan third, and Benneton fifth and sixth."

"Schumacher has made his final stop three times."

"Mansell is slowing it down, taking it easy. Oh, no he isn't! It's a lap record."

"And he's done that in a whisker under 10 seconds, call it 9.7 in round figures."

"Nigel Mansell is the last person in the race apart from the five in front of him."

"And here comes Mika Hakkinen, double world champion twice over."

"It's lap 26 of 58, which unless I'm very much mistaken is half way."

"Let's stop the startwatch."

"That's history. I say history because it happened in the past."

"And the first three cars are all Escorts, which isn't surprising as this is an all Escort race."

"I didn't see the time, largely because there wasn't one."

"Rally points scoring is twenty for the fastest, eighteen for the second fastest, right down to six points for the slowest fastest."

"I was there when I said it."

"Stewart has two cars in the top five: Magnusson 5th and Barichello 6th."

"The European drivers have adapted to this circuit extremely quickly, especially Paul Radisich who's a New Zealander."

"Of course he did it voluntarily, but he had to do it."

"The tires are called wets, because they're used in the wet. And these tires are called slicks, because they're very slick."

"You might not think that's cricket, and it's not. It's motor racing."

Bad Predictions

2008-06-18T08:35:00.002+08:00

It's generally a bad idea to say something can't or won't be done, especially in the realm of science and technology. The following are quotations from the past that haunt their speakers today:

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

"Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, 1949

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

"But what...is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Attributed to Bill Gates, 1981, but believed to be an urban legend.

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys." -- Sir William Preece, chief engineer of the British Post Office, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility." -- Lee DeForest, inventor.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" -- H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With the Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax." -- William Thomson, Lord Kelvin, British scientist, 1899.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"It will be years -- not in my time -- before a woman will become Prime Minister." -- Margaret Thatcher, 1974.

"I see no good reasons why the views given in this volume should shock the religious sensibilities of anyone." -- Charles Darwin, The Origin Of Species, 1869.

"With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the U.S. market." -- Business Week, August 2, 1968.

"That Professor Goddard with his 'chair' in Clark College and the countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution does not know the relation of action to reaction, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react--to say that would be absurd. Of course, he only seems to lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." -- 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work. The remark was retracted in the July 17, 1969 issue.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." -- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Ours has been the first, and doubtless to be the last, to visit this profitless locality." -- Lt. Joseph Ives, after visiting the Grand Canyon in 1861.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Workers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will." -- Albert Einstein, 1932.

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"There will never be a bigger plane built." -- A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that holds ten people.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Attributed to Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899, but known to be an urban legend.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon." -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

Readers who just don't get it

2008-06-11T13:42:00.002+08:00

The following have all been asked of library reference desk workers in the USA and Canada.

"I'm looking for a book."

"Do you have books here?"

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids." -- The actual title is "Slow Waltz In Cedar Bend."

"Where is the reference desk?" -- Asked of a worker sitting at a desk, over which was a sign saying 'REFERENCE DESK'.

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"

"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?"

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

"I need a color photograph of George Washington." -- Other individuals asked for, by other patrons, are Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, and more.

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."

"Is the basement upstairs?"

"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."

"I got a quote from a book I turned in last week but I forgot to write down the author and title. It's big and red, and I found it on the top shelf. Can you find it for me?"

"Do you have anything good to read?" -- The response was, "No, ma'am. I'm afraid we have 75,000 books, and they're all duds."

Do You Know Your Bible

2008-06-06T08:15:00.001+08:00

The following are quotes from exams and papers assigned to 7th through 12th students:

"In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off."

"Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree."

"Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark."

"Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears."

"Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."

"Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah."

"Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients."

"The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert."

"Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments."

"The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple."

"The Fifth Commandment is 'Humor thy father and mother.'"

"The Seventh Commandment is 'Thou shalt not admit adultery.'"

"Moses died before he ever reached Canada."

"Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol."

"The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him."

"David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar."

"David fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times."

"Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines."

"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels."

"The epistles were the wives of the apostles."

"St. Paul cavorted to Christianity."

"Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage."

"In some religions a man can have many wives, and this is called polygamy. In our religion a man can have one wife, and this is called monotony."

History Through Children's Eyes

2008-06-02T23:37:00.000+08:00

The following are quotes from exams and papers assigned to 7th through 12th students :

"The Magna Carta provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the same offense."

"Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head."

"Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes."

"The system involving barons and lords was called the futile system."

"Milton wrote 'Paradise Lost.' Then his wife dies, and he wrote 'Paradise Regained.'"

"Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe."

"The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died, and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this."

"Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead."

"Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms."

"Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel."

"Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English."

"Bach died from 1750 to the present."

"Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He expired in 1827 and later died for this."

"[Napoleon] wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children."

"The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West."

"Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years."

"Queen Victoria's reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality."

"Queen Victoria's death was the final event which ended her reign."

"Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis."

"Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Spices."

"It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance."

"Without Greeks, we wouldn't have history."

"One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable."

"Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey."

"Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of the same name."

"In the Olympics Games, Greeks ran races jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java."

"The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands."

"When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men."

"Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks."

"The Whiskey Rebellion was when some people got smashed and went and rebelled."

Punny Around the World

2008-05-27T11:01:00.004+08:00

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

The incontinent Scotsman had a wee accident.

Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

The Irish should be rich because their capital is always Dublin.

Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.

Italian building inspectors in Pisa are leanient.

There is some Confucion about the oldest religion in China.

In a Scandinavian race the last Lapp crossed the Finnish line.

Did you know that donuts were first made in Greece?

If you said you were from South America, I would not Bolivia.

Britain is a wet place since the queen has had a long reign.

Goats in France are musical because they have french horns.

The pharaohs of Egypt worked out the first pyramid scheme.

While in Mexico, the chinese diplomat got a ticket for going the
Wong way on the Juan Way street.

Before the revolution, Russia was in a Tsary state.

A practical Czech is considered to be Praguematic.

Things made in Australia are high koala-ty.

People in Switzerland can't learn to ski without a lot of alp.

Television sets in Britain have to cross the English Channel.

People have a happy time vacationing in Ireland because they are
walking on Eire.

If you send a letter to the Philippines put it in a Manila
envelope.

When Irish boys carry their little brothers, they get a Pat on the
back.

Should we watch the Swiss?'. 'Of quartz we should.'

When Mongolians walk they like to take big steppes.

Welcome to the Town of Feeling

2008-05-24T00:34:00.002+08:00

I came accross this wonderful Poem by Mary Pat from http://www.reflectingrace.com

Yes, the title say it all - Its about feelings. But it has lots of play of words too . (It reminded me of the poem about Somebody, Nobody, Anybody and Everybody)

Happy, Sad, Mad and Glad,
Moved in down the street

Cautious watched them, from her window,
Wondering, which one should I meet?

Confused came in with overwhelmed and said,
"The Panics have come to town"

Then Hopeful called the carefulls,
And said that Happy was a clown.

Anxious came in with the news,
Confident had called a town meeting

To take a vote for Mayor,
And to Welcome the new neighbors to Feeling.

Feeling was a busy town,
Always on the go

Happy was voted as Feeling's Mayor,
While Confident decided to go.

Happy took the Mayors Job and took it seriously.

Thinking the town,
Would be so much better off,

If everyone were Happy.

Now Happy asked for their suggestions,
Saying yes to everyone.

Soon, Happy was out and Chaos was in,
Chaos was on the run.

Gathering the folks from Feeling,
Chaos ran from house to house,

While Bored and Lonely ran into town,
And were quiet as a mouse.

While Chaos was running with Crazy,
Happy called Confident and Calm,

They knew that Lazy was out of the question,
For it was nearly dawn.

When the two groups came together,
They wondered "Who will it ever be?"

Who would watch over the town of Feeling,
and keep it rodent free?

Happy, Sad, Mad and Glad,
Were chosen on the spot

Then balanced and joyful came to town,
They were the best house on the lot.

The people that lived in Feeling,
Well, they came and then they went

The time they had with neighbors and friends,
Was definitely time well spent.

When you find yourself in Feeling,
Remember to take it slow,

Making friends in this wonderful place,
Is the only way to go.

Naturally Punny

2008-05-20T08:54:00.001+08:00

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

When the plums dry on your tree, it's time to prune.

When kissing flowers, tulips are better than one.

To termites, a group of dead trees is an arbor eat'um.

On organic farms they till it like it is.

My wife works over-thyme in her herb garden before she decides it is time to cummin.

Scarecrows are always garden their patch.

If we canteloup lettuce marry!

The research assistant couldn't experiment with plants because he hadn't botany.

If you're looking for oranges on an apple tree you will have a fruitless search.

One palm tree said to another 'let's have a date.'

Old gardeners never die they just vegetate.

The apple crossed the street because he wanted to get to the other cider the road.

When the Nomadic tree senses danger it packs up its trunk and leaves.

If you're a gardener you might call yourself a 'plant manager'.

Gardeners like to plant their feet firmly.

What kind of tree grows on your hand? A palm tree.

A lot of trees were dying, but they needed to figure out the root of the problem.

The couple grew fruit trees and lived to a ripe old age.

Those who plant trees be-leaf in the future.

I will cut the grass only when I get Mowtivated.

The plums for sale dried out, so the profits were pruned.

The best gardening clubs are grass roots organizations.

A gardener who moved back to his home town rediscovered his roots.

Did you hear about the guy who planted bullets? He wanted to see a lot of little shoots.

A gardener's work is a bed of roses.

Humorous Pondering

2008-05-14T14:37:00.003+08:00

• These I have never understood:
o We chop down trees but chop up wood;
o We draw down wrath, we draw up wills,
o We run down foes, we run up bills;
o We eat food up, we down a drink,
o Which is a little strange, I think.
o We turn down offers, turn up noses--
o Just one last thought and then this closes:
o We should remember, we poor clowns,
o That life is full of ups and downs.

•Two robins are lying on their backs, soaking up some sun.
A Mama cat and her kitten come walking by.
The kitten complains, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?"
The Mama cat, spying the 2 birds replies, "How about some baskin' robins?"

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded
I used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.
I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.
I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.
I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.
I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.
I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.
I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.

Did you hear .....

2008-05-12T13:33:00.001+08:00

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

Punny Business

2008-05-06T00:06:00.004+08:00

Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.

Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

At a pet store: 'buy one dog, get one flea'.

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken.

A man walked into a chimney store and asked 'How much for this one?'. The salesman replied 'It's on the house.'

A music store had a small sign which read: Bach in a Minuet.

The price of shingles is going through the roof.

Can a piece of antique clothing be uncomfortable? Of corset can.

A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary

Waiting for her photos to be developed a young girl sang 'Some day my prints will come.'

Some shoe sales have a good selection to boot.

Sign on a broken perfume bottle, "Out of odor".

A book store and clothing store merged under the name text-aisles.

A computer store takes inventory to monitor progress including a disk-count.

A secretary for a hardware store has to file more than nails.

The riot at Macy's was called a shopping maul.

I bought me some of those new paper shirts. I don't like them - they're tearable.

The clerk had stickers everywhere. There was even a price on her head.

Their business plan for a flower shop was cut and dried.

If they ever have a contest for the best looking mannequin, there will be stiff competition.

It's amazing how stores take Valentines day to heart.

What is the best store to be in during an earthquake? A stationery store.

Sign in an electrician's shop ? 'We will refuse you.'

At a music store: 'hear here'.

The staff at jewelry stores have hearts of gold.

Misstatements from Dan Quayle

2008-05-01T15:10:00.003+08:00

Dan Quayle, Vice President to George Bush from 1988-1992, is one of the most famous misstatement makers ever. Here is a collection of some of his most notorious flubs

"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here."

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

"You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be."

"El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans, I have heard a single voice."

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO. We are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

"My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right."

"I deserve respect for the things I did not do."

"I feel that this is my first year, that next year is an election year, that the third year is the mid point, and that the fourth year is the last chance I'll have to make a record since the last two years; I'll be a candidate again. Everything I do in those last two years will be posturing for the election. But right now I don't have to do that."

"This President is going to lead us out of this recovery."

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"[The U.S. victory in Gulf War was a] stirring victory for the forces of aggression."

"Bank failures are caused by depositors who don't deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If there is oxygen, then we can breathe."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Vice President, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

"Let me just tell you how thrilling it really is, and how, what a challenge it is, because in 1988 the question is whether we're going forward to tomorrow or whether we're going to go past to the -- to the back!"

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."

"Bobby Knight told me this: 'There is nothing that a good defense cannot beat a better offense.' In other words a good offense wins."

"It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago."

"This isn't a man who is leaving with his head between his legs."

"Unfortunately, the people of Louisiana are not racists."

"We lead in exporting jobs." -- Committing a Freudian slip while speaking to the Chamber of Commerce of Evansville, Indiana, a city which lost four large companies in the previous four years. He quickly changed the word 'jobs' to 'products.'

"If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they'll fish for a lifetime."

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."

"Votes are like trees, if you are trying to build a forest. If you have more trees than you have forests, then at that point the pollsters will probably say you will win."

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

"Clinton cannot possibly win in 2000." -- Referring to Bill Clinton, who had already served two terms as President by 2000.

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make."

"Every once in a while, you let a word or phrase out, and you want to catch it and bring it back. You can't do that. It's gone, gone forever."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

Check out these Classifieds - Guranteed to provide laughter or your money back!

2008-04-28T13:34:00.004+08:00

The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.

"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."

"Washing machine: free to good home."

"No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."

"Great Dames for sale."

"Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."

"German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free."

"Free ducks. You catch."

"1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer"

"Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."

"Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."

"2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"

"For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50"

"Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"

"Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"

"Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."

"Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."

"Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."

"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."

"Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"

"Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."

"Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."

"This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."

"Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."

"Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."

"Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."

"Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."

"Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."

"Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."

"Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."

"A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."

"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."

"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."

"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."

"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."

"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."

"Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."

"We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."

"We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."

"Tattoos done while you wait."

"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."

"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."

"If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."

"Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."

"Stock up and save. Limit: one."

"For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."

"Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."

"TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."

"This house has been fully insulted."

"Man, honest. Will take anything."

"Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"

"Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."

"3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred."

"Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."

"Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops."

"Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."

"Illiterate? Write today for free help."

"Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."

"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."

"Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."

"And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."

"We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."

All about Work

2008-04-24T10:38:00.003+08:00

Work Laws

- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

- To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

- The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

Laws of Work

- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

- The more of it you put up with, the more of it you're going to get.

- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.

Murphy on Work

- There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

- The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

- People are always available for work in the past tense.

- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

- You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

DUMB Questions

2008-04-21T23:25:00.003+08:00

Here is a whole list of DUMB Questions for to you ponder ( and I hope that you would laugh out loud). Which is your favourite DUMB question?

"When I press on my brakes, the car doesn't stop. Do you think this is something I should have fixed?" -- Asked of a worker at an auto repair shop.

"If you record silence on a tape and then play it back with the volume all the way up, will that drown out the noise in the room?" -- Asked by a woman of her boyfriend at the time.

"How do I tell the difference between the big staples and the little staples?" -- Asked of a fellow office worker in South Africa.

"The Renaissance was during the 1920's, right?" -- Asked of a high school student by another.

"Where do you think water comes from? The SKY?" -- From an overheard argument about water conservation.

"Do you want specific information in general or what?" -- From an overheard conversation between two managers.

"I wasn't able to tape Oprah. Could I possibly come down there and watch it?" -- Asked of a local television station.

"What day is New Year's again?"

"How much is that $10 watch?"

"Oh, honey, here's a watch store -- maybe they have it. Do you have any toe rings?"

"Glenn Miller? Didn't he die in a car crash flying to France?"

"I hate stereotypes. We Canadians don't really talk like that, eh?"

"How do I get my car fixed?" -- Asked of a health insurance company.

"What do you do with the mogels in the summer?" -- Asked of a ski lift operator.

"Is Scott there?" -- Scott, asking for his friend Jim.

"Isn't it funny how Thanksgiving lands on a Thursday every year?" -- Woman, overheard in a diner.

Beware of these Warning Labels - Read at your own risk

2008-04-16T23:39:00.003+08:00

Warning Labels
Manufacturers of consumer products have to be liberal with the warning labels these days, lest they get sued. But for these, it's hard to know whether the company is being outright stupid or if they're simply targeting the most brain dead dumb among us.

P.S. I have highlighted some my favourite one for you to enjoy!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Product Warnings:

"Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." -- In the information booklet.

"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.

"Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.

"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.

"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.

"Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.

"Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.

"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.

"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.

"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.

"Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.

"Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.

"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.

"Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.

"Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.

"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.

"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.

"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."

"Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.

"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.

"Caution: Shoots rubber bands." -- On a product called "Rubber Band Shooter."

"Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.

"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.

"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.

"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

"Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.

"Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.

"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.

"For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.

"For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.

"Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.

"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.

"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.

"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.

"Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.

"Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.

"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.

"Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.

"Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.

"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.

"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.

"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.

"Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.

"Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.

"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

"Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.

"For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.

"This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.

"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.

"Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.

"Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.

"Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.

"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.

"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.

"Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.

"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.

"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.

"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.

"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.

"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.

"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

"Do not eat if seal is missing." -- On said seal.

"Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it."

"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.

"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.

"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.

"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.

"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.

To See or Not To See

2008-04-13T23:50:00.001+08:00

I came across this wonderful play of words by Leslie Fieger. A perfect example of how English can be twisted to create the lots of laughter.

I went to the eye doctor the other day. I thought it was time to have my eyes checked. It turned out to also be a reality picture checkup.
I enter the office to be greeted by the receptionist, "Can I help you?"
"I hope so." I reply, "I'd like to have the doctor check my eyes and write me a prescription so I can get some new glasses."
"He can't see you today," the receptionist tells me.
"Something wrong with his eyes?" I ask with a smile.
"Pardon me?"
"Why can't he see me today? Does he have temporary blindness?"
"No, he is too busy to see you."
"I've been really busy a couple of times in my life and I never noticed any difference in my sight."
"What are you talking about?" she asks.
"Impaired vision." I answer.
"Well, you are in the right place," she says.
"But not the right time it appears," I counter.
"Looks that way," she affirms.
"Will he be able to see me tomorrow then?"
"No, he can't see you tomorrow. He won't be here."
"I see." I say.
"How about the day after tomorrow? He can see you then." she asks.
"He can see into the future?"
"Is there something wrong with you?"
"Well, I am a little nearsighted," I reply.
"Do you want an appointment to see the doctor or not?"
"Yes, I would."
"What time?"
"How about now?"
"I think you also need to get your hearing tested," she tells me. "I already told you that he can't see you now. You need to have an appointment."
"But I do have an appointment," I tell her.
"What?"
"I am here for my 11 o'clock appointment."
"You have an appointment for now?"
"Yes, that's why I am here."
"I don't see you in my appointment book," she tells me.
"The doctor can't see me and you don't see me. I feel like I am invisible."
"Did you make an appointment?"
"Yes."
"When?"
"Now, today at 11."
"It is not in my book."
"Most occurrences in life are not in your book."
"Pardon me?"
"Do you have a lunch date for today in your appointment book?" I ask.
"What? No, I do not."
"You see? That's great. I'll take you to lunch right after my appointment."
"Ok. Ok. I give up," she tells me, "No lunch date, but you can see the doctor next."
"You're sweet," I tell her.
"You're crazy," she tells me.

My prescription ends up being unchanged since my last eye examination five years ago. The doctor can also see just fine. He wants to read my books.

© Leslie Fieger. All rights reserved worldwide.

Leslie is the author of The DELFIN Knowledge System Trilogy: The Initiation, The Journey and The Quest plus many more success publications. He also the co-author of The End of the World with Hugh Jeffries and Alexandra's DragonFire with his daughter Ashley. Subscribe to his free and ad-free eZine at http://www.ProsperityParadigm.com or http://www.LeslieFieger.com

Hilarious Kid Quotes

2008-04-08T20:50:00.000+08:00

Sometimes kids say things in innocence that are simply hilarious. Here's an assortment of selected quotations from kids.

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Quick Quotations:

"I'm being haive!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother told him told to behave

"I'm not an oxymoron!" -- 7 year old

"TNT." -- Given as an answer for a written spelling bee, when the teacher called the word "dynamite."

"I'm glad I'm finally eight. This is the oldest I've ever been in my entire life!" -- 8 year old son.

"I had to read and write six book reports." -- Girl, in an email to her friend, attempting to explain what she had to do over the summer. She later tried sending a correction, which read, "I had to read and write six books."

"Oh, well Mom said all I had to use was the sponge and dish detergent." -- 12 year old daughter, when her father told her he used elbow grease to get the dishes clean

"Do they look after the Pokemon?" -- City kid, when asked what a gamekeeper does.

"Why don't you get some expensive money?" -- 3 year old daughter, when told by her mother that she could get a small toy but that the ones asked for were too expensive

"I have a rock in my nose." -- 2 year old son, greeting his mother after preschool, a full hour after recess was over.

"There's no one in there." -- 6 year old son, in response to seeing his father hanging pictures and tapping on the walls to find the support beams.

"Quiet!" -- 4 year old, when asked what begins with 'M' and sounds good.

"If I was a raccoon I would eat the farmer's corpse." -- A kindergartener, writing a story about what we would do if he were a raccoon

"Well, sometimes I say something mean to my brother, but I feel really good inside. Does that mean I'm a hypocrite?" -- 7 year old girl, after a Sunday School teacher explained that a hypocrite was someone who says one thing but feels something else.

"Daddy, did your hair slip?" -- 3 year old son, to his bald but long bearded father

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it's printed on the bottom." -- 3 year old son, when his mother asked how his father knew the genders of four new baby kittens

"How will that help?" -- Kindergarten student, when the class was instructed to hold up two fingers if any of them had to go to the bathroom

"They didn't see it -- it was all cut off!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother was asked how his grandparents liked his new haircut

"Tell me when you're asleep, ok?" -- 7 year old son, overheard talking to his 5 year old brother.

"I had a fraction in my neck and had to go to the hospital for a long time." -- Fifth grader, to his class.

"Well you're old, and you're not dead." -- "3 year old son, to his father. The comment followed an explanation of why the father's grandparents weren't around anymore.

"Are you kidding me?! They go together like balogna and cheese! No, wait. More like mayonnaise and bread." -- 9 year old girl, when asked if her brother and cousin hang out a lot.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken. I'm looking for the seal." -- A young son, examining the contents of a box of Animal Crackers

"Don't kid me, Mom, I know they're my feet." -- 3 year old son, when his mother told him his shoes were on the wrong feet

"Mommy, you said it would be a shot; instead it was a needle!" -- Boy, overheard at the hospital

"How do you put make up on your mind?" -- Girl, when told she should make up her mind.

"I wish someone we knew would die so we could leave them flowers." -- 6 year old girl, upon seeing flowers in a cemetery.

"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some email." -- 4 year old girl, misquoting the Lord's Prayer

"Watch out, Daddy. Mommy's got her eye on you!" -- 4 year old girl, after hearing her mother telling her father that she'd take an I.O.U. for a promised restaurant dinner.

"I didn't look much -- I've only got little eyes!" -- 7 year old, about to be scolded for peeking at her Christmas presents.

"When you were my age, you was just a baby!" -- 5 year old.

"Why don't they just do what they did in 1899?" -- On preparing for Y2K in 1999.

"Daddy doesn't like that man, does he?" -- Daughter of John Cleese and Connie Booth, during the filming of the Black Knight scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Un-real Meanings

2008-04-04T23:26:00.004+08:00

The prefix un- can mean either a reversal of action, like unpack, or the lack of some quality, like unknown. A prime example of this is with unlearn, which means to reverse learning, and unlearned, which means the lack of learning. Sometimes in a sentence the meaning of un-made words is unclear and unsettling.

The manikins dressed in police uniforms were unarmed.

Some people think you have to be unbalanced to be a tightrope walker.

When it came to physical fitness, couch potatoes are unbecoming.

The weather forecast for today was partly unclear with a chance of rain.

Hattie Nown was uncommitted because she promised to act sane.

The call for an encore was the undoing of the finale.

What gets me about raising children is the uneasiness of it.

Scott Chtape rinsed the dirt worms so that they would be unearthly.

Some people get a tan unfairly.

Before looking at the map, the next step in the vacation was unfolding.

Nate Ivson wandered in the forest unfounded.

When it came to true-false exams Reggie Stration proceeded unquestionably.

Physical exercise can lead to unrest.

By talking backwards many things are unsaid.

Things that are not as they seem are unseemly.

At the library you get unsound advice.

Because he couldn’t carry a tune, Don Keye was an unsung hero.

Honest Abe was famous for his untold lies.

It was no surprise that nobody laughed at the toastmaster’s unwitting remarks.

By using an eraser, most rules can be unwritten.

Found in Resumes

2008-03-31T12:02:00.002+08:00

Getting ready for the next job interview. Well, do have a quick check that you did not make any of the following slip ups in your resume!

The following quotations were taken from resumes from all over the country. With all the work and care that goes into writing these documents, it's funny, if unfortunate, when errors slip through to the final draft. Alas, such mistakes make exactly the wrong impression on exactly the wrong people.

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"I have a bachelorette degree in computers."

"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."

"I worked as a Corporate Lesion."

"Served as assistant sore manager."

"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."

"Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."

"Special skills: Thyping."

"Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."

"I can play well with others."

"I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."

"Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."

"My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."

"I eat computers for lunch."

"I have used lots of software appilcations."

"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."

"Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."

"Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."

"I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis."

"I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation."

"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."

"I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food."

"Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."

"Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state."

"My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."

"I love dancing and throwing parties."

"I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."

"Special Skills: Speak English."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."

"Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."

"Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."

"Typing Speed: 756 wpm."

"Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."

"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."

"Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."

"My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."

"Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."

"Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."

"Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company."

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."

"Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30."

"Interests: I like to workout in my free time. I enjoy listening to music. I love to shopping in new places."

"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."

"Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."

"Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."

Puns as we move - Transport Puns

2008-03-27T20:30:00.003+08:00

1. When you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!

2. Don't expect to eat something fancy when you're flying because it's plane food.

3. The cost of the space program is astronomical.

4. When asked by a passenger how high he would get, the pilot replied,'I don't do drugs.'

5. Traveling on a flying carpet is a rugged experience.

6. During his air test a young pilot flew through a rainbow. He passed with flying colors.

7. An astronaut broke the law of gravity and got a suspended sentence.

8. If you get sick at the airport it could be a terminal illness.

9. An astronaut who fails on a weightlessness experiment must be aware of the gravity of the situation.

10. When astronauts die they run an orbituary.

11. To become a pilot requires a good altitude.

12. An astronaut wrote about flying twice to the moon. It was double spaced

13. The astronauts said their experience on the moon was out of this world.

14. Airline pilots make many friends in high places.

15. The first time I got hold of a hang glider I had to wing it.

16. He became a sky diver out of the blue.

17. When you're wearing a watch on an airplane, time flies.

18. His model airplane hobby really took off.

19. Before an airline changes a process they have to have a pilot project to find out if the idea will fly.

20. His decision to become a pilot was up in the air.

21. To be a successful frequent flier you need a lot of connections.

22. When the plane hit turbulence, the passengers went flying.

Movie Quotes

2008-03-24T08:05:00.001+08:00

Here are some really interesting Movie Quotes.

I always make it a point to speak gramatically. Who knows? It might become popular again.

Bette Davis.

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Distortion in movies:

More and more we're learning that we can't tell a book by its movie.

Anon

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A good film is when the price of the dinner, the theatre admission and the babysitter were worth it.

Alfred Hitchcock

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I don't take the movies seriously, and anyone who does is in for a headache.

Bette Davis

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If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

Woody Allen

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Cinema is the most beautiful fraud in the world.

Jean-Luc Godard

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We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.

Professor Keating (Robin Williams) in 'Dead Poet's Society'

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In Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns.

Fabrizio (Angelo Infanti) in 'The Godfather'

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You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.

Steve Martin

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I would rather entertain and hope that people learned something than educate people and hope they were entertained.

Walt Disney

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My movies were the kind they show in prisons and airplanes, because nobody can leave.

Burt Reynolds

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Perhaps parents would enjoy their children more if they stopped to realize that the film of childhood can never be run through for a second showing.

Evelyn Nown

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Marriage is an arrangement like the block booking of motion pictures, in which a number of less desirable features must be accepted in order to obtain one or two of major attraction.

Helen P. St. Boulanger

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If you can't leave in a taxi you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

Duck Soup

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You can't express every feeling that you have every moment that you have them.

When Harry Met Sally

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My momma always said life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.

Forrest Gump

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Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence!

The Crowd

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It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. Makes you wonder what eelse you can do that you've forgotten about.

Lester - American Beauty

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Unfortunately, all dummies in the movies aren't thrown over the cliff.

Anon.

Ghost Words

2008-03-19T14:44:00.001+08:00

Some English words suggest the existence of other words, either their opposites or stem words, which are not real. These are ghost words. For example:

aghast and ghastly — How come there is no such thing as ghast?

behead — Shouldn’t it be dehead instead?

earnest — Is this what you are when you earn the most?

echo — Why isn’t it echohohoho?

eleven, twelve — Wouldn’t it make more sense if they were oneteen, twoteen?

gruesome — If its so bad, why isn’t it grueplenty?

height — Why is it width, length, and breadth but not heighth?

hijack — Would a hijill be a less violent crime?

hitchhiker — Does he become a hitchrider when he gets a ride?

holy — Does this describe Santa’s mood when he goes, “Ho, ho?”

lukewarm — Why not a matthewwarm or paulwarm?

manual — If stick-shifts are manual, are automatics womanual?

mayhem — Does aprilhem precede this and junehem follow it?

milestone — Is the metric equivalent meterstone?

monsoon — Would a monlater be as devastating?

offense — Why isn’t the opposite called onense?

pajama — We know pa and ma, but who is ja?

preempt — Is there no empt because something else always happens first?

redundancy — Is dundancy sufficient?

refrigerate — What is frigerate and why are we doing it again?

retaliation — Is this payback for something called taliation?

ruthless — How come there is no davidless?

seesaw — Why isn’t there anything on the playground called a hearheard?

shampoo — Have you ever tried real poo?

sightsee — When the deaf go on a vacation, do they soundhear?

sister — Why is it father, mother, and brother, but not sisther?

triumph — If not a triumph, perhaps a biumph, or maybe only a uniumph?

underneath — Did you ever wonder what was overneath?

window — If it has glass in it, shouldn’t it be called no-wind-ow?

Heard in the Courts

2008-03-15T00:12:00.003+08:00

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."

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Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

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Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

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Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."

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Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"

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Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

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Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."

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Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

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Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

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Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

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Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

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Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

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Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

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Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

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Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

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Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

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Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

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Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

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Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

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Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

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Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."

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Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

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Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

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Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

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Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

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Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."

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Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

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Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

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Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."

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Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

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Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

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Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it.

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Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

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Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

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Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

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Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."

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Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

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Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."

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Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

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Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

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Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

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Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

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Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."

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Learn English Online

2008-03-13T14:27:00.005+08:00

English is an essential tool when it comes to communicating internationally with our friends, business associates, clients, etc.

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High Tech can be Punny

2008-03-10T23:28:00.001+08:00

Here are some puns relating to technology.

1. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

2. Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.

3. He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz.

4. Will this computer last five years? Obsoletely!

5. My rechargeable batteries are revolting.

6. The cat took up computer lessons in hopes of mastering its grip on a mouse.

7. It's tough to be in the computer business when the chips are down.

8. Trust your calculator. It's something to count on.

9. When I had my PlayStation stolen, my family were there to console me.

10. My computer is so slow it hertz.

11. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

12. Did you hear about the fight at a local Laundromat? A washing machine beat the crap out of a diaper.

13. Some computer equipment got shot. It was a graphic display.

14. My battery had an alkaline problem, so it went to AA meetings.

15. An online poker tournament ended suddenly when the computer cached in its chips.

16. Pocket tape recorders were invented for those who like small talk.

Found in a Church Bulletin

2008-03-07T08:26:00.002+08:00

* "Say 'hell' to someone who doesn't like you."

* "Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur in the church."

* "Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."

* "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

* "O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation."

* "After today's service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor."

* "Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help."

* "For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."

* "The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer."

* "Children will be led in sinning and Bible study."

* "This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."

* "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."

* "There will be a baked bean supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow."

* "At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."

* "Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping."

* "Marriage: An Institution To Be Endured." -- The subject of a sermon that should have read, "An Institution To Endure."

* Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

* The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

* The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

* The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

* Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

* The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.

* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Interesting Quotes

2008-03-02T12:42:00.002+08:00

Ogden Nash

Children aren't happy without something to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets.

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

Too clever is dumb.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
William Shakespeare

Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
Henry VI

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

He that is proud eats up himself; pride is his own glass, his own trumpet, his own chronicle.

How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a weary world.

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves.

Life is a tale told by an idiot -- full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
Macbeth

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
A Midsummer Night's Dream

Talkers are no good doers.
Henry VI

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Henry VI

Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Cosby

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think -- in a deeper voice

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need the advice

When you become senile, you won't know it

Old is always fifteen years from now

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing

You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any

Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it

Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first

Cliche Excuses for when you have done something really Stupid

2008-02-28T00:47:00.002+08:00

Done something really stupid and need an excuse, just feel free to use one of these!

I just followed my intuition

It will be good for something

I am trying to escape from something, I think that I am just not ready to face it

I am looking for something, this is my way to find it

I always do things like this

Sorry, I did not mean to hurt you

Nobody is perfect

It happens to the best

I can't change the past

Well, at least I know that I am capable of... (beating wife, getting drunk, etc.).

...but my intention was good

It is my mess, and finally I got something for myself

If nothing else, I can always serve as a bad example

I'm only human

The devil made me do it

Doing stupid things is my way of making my life interesting

Everybody has the right to make mistakes

Tomorrow, no one will remember

It seemed like a good idea at the time

The one who makes no mistakes does none of the work

Let me read your FORTUNE (Cookie)

2008-02-24T23:25:00.002+08:00

"You will find a bushel of money."

"Your smile will tell you what makes you feel good."

"You are going to have some new clothes."

"Your family is young, gifted and attractive."

"There is a true and sincere friendship between you both."

"The night life is for you."

"Face facts with dignity."

"You are magnetic in your bearing."

"You are free to invent your life."

"Good sense is the master of human life."

"Maybe someday we will live on the moon!"

"Don't panic."

"If you don't have time to live your life now, when will you?"

"Ignorance never settles a question."

"You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly."

"Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance."

"Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress."

"You have a potential urge and the ability for accomplishment."

"Do you believe? Endurance and persistence will be rewarded."

"Good Luck bestows upon you. You will get what your heart desires."

"Pat yourself on the back for creating an opportunity."

"It could be better, but it's good enough."

"You will find a thing. It may be important."

"The calling that has sounded will not be the lasting call."

"In youth and beauty, wisdom is rare."

"This is the year when ingenuity stands high on the list."

"The best year-round temperature is a warm heart and a cool head."

Creative Answers to Science Questions

2008-02-20T09:14:00.001+08:00

Have you had a problem in answering a question for your exams? Did you come up with any of these creative answers. Enjoy these Hilarious ones.

* "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

* "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

* "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

* "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

* "The largest organ in the human body is the head."

* "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, then expectoration."

* "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

* "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

* "The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."

* "Germinate means to become a naturalized German."

* "A planet is a body of Earth surrounded by sky."

* "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

* "To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in."

* "The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation."

* "Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about."

* "We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and the study of rocks."

* "English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse."

* "People shouldn't be allowed to shoot extinct animals."

* "If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence."

* "A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle."

OVERLOAD!

2008-02-17T16:53:00.001+08:00

Consider the use of the word “over,” as in overdose or overrun. What, then, does overcome mean? It looks like the English language has gone overboard with the word “over,” overdoing it with everything from overjoy to overkill. Let’s take an overly overdue overview of this overage.

Watch over and over…

Overview is a short presentation.

Oversight is supervision; it also means something missed.

Oversee is to supervise but does not mean to miss something.

Overlook is to miss something but also to view from above.

Moreover…

Overhear is not as respectable as oversee.

Overtake is not the opposite of undertake.

Overrun is not the speedier version of overstep.

Overhead is not the opposite of under foot.

Overhand is a way to throw, but overthrow is an overreaction to an overlord.

Overflow…

You can overcome an overdose overnight.

You can overeat with your overbite and become overweight.

You can wear an overlapped overcoat when it’s overcast overseas.

You can be overwhelmed and overawed by the overtones of an overture.

You can be overruled, overshadowed and overpowered by an overbearing overseer.

You can overstate your overtime and overplay being overworked.

You can overrate your overacting and overhaul your overdrive.

You can have a passover on an overpass and you can overturn a turnover.

But you can’t overhang a hangover or overlay a layover.

THE END - At last it is all OVER

The Age

2008-02-13T23:33:00.003+08:00

Take note of the Age in the words to find out more about human history!

message — infancy

spillage — babyhood

breakage — early childhood

blockage — middle childhood

wreckage — late childhood

roughage — early teen years

bandage — middle teen years

average — late teen years

manage — for males, 18 years old

bondage — married life

pillage — senior years

shrinkage — late senior years

postage — afterlife

So what AGE are you?

If there was a message stating that the spillage has resulted in a shrinkage of your lovely dress, how old are you?

You heard it in a Restaurant

2008-02-11T20:46:00.001+08:00

"Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?" -- Asked of a waitress.

"Just the chicken." -- The response a waitress gave when asked if there were any dairy products in a soup.

"Would you like cream and sugar with that?" -- Asked by a waitress when a customer specified orange juice instead of coffee as part of a breakfast meal.

"Do you want cheese on that?" -- Asked when a customer ordered a plain cheeseburger.

"You want fries with that?" -- Asked when a customer ordered an apple turnover.

"Do you want onions on that?" -- A waitress, in response to a couple ordering a milk shake and a large cola.

"Is there any meat in the veggie rolls?"

"Do you get rice with your fried rice?"

"I'm sorry, we only have six inch and foot long subs." -- A waitress, when asked for a 12 inch sub.

"Would you like to care for a cup of coffee?" -- A waitress.

"Which of these coffees did you want with cream and sugar?" -- Asked of a customer who had ordered two coffees, one with cream and sugar and one without.

"Do you want that in a bag?" -- Asked of a customer who ordered coffee to go.

"Is this for here or to go?" -- Asked of a Dairy Queen customer at a drive-through window.

"What's the difference between the 1/4 pounder and the 1/3 pounder?"

"What's the difference?" -- Asked of a waitress when asked if the customer would like breadsticks with or without cheese.

"Sir, we only have one thousand island dressing." -- A waitress, when asked for two thousand island dressings.

"How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken deal?"

"How much is the $1.99 popcorn chicken?"

"Is the honey mustard sauce sweet?"

"Is the spicy chicken just spicy or is it hot and spicy?"

"Would you like the sale price?" -- A fast food worker, asking how a customer would like to pay for his order of two special sandwiches.

"That's not an animal. It's a mammal." -- Cafeteria worker serving shrimp at a public high school.

"Does your ice cream contain dairy products?" -- A customer at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.

"Excuse me. These ham and cheese rolls -- do they have ham in them?" -- A customer at a bakery cafe.

"Don't you guys have them 99 cent Whoppers?" -- Asked of a Taco Bell cashier.

"This is to go." -- Commonly said by customers at drive-through windows.

"I'd like a large Pepsi pizza." -- A customer ordering pizza over the phone. After saying this, the customer was heard saying to someone else with him, "Wait, Chuck, is that right?"

Puns at Work

2008-02-09T15:19:00.001+08:00

* He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

* The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

* Every calendar's days are numbered.

* If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler.

* He bent over to pick up a sieve and strained himself.

* In the air duct installers union they have lots of opportunity to vent.

* A guy became so good with a chainsaw that he was promoted to branch manager.

* An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle.

* After working for 24 hours straight he called it a day.

* While training to work at Coca Cola he was given a pop quiz.

* The plumber had to quit his job because it was too much of a drain.

* The optician fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

* It's true that the earth rotates, but scientists are always putting their own spin on it.

* The inept mathematician couldn't count on his friends.

* Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

* At some executive meetings there is a chairman of the bored.

* The personal trainer quit his job because it wasn't working out.

* Working as an elevator operator has its ups and downs.

* Swimming instructors are always getting immersed in their work.

* Small people are in short supply.

* Those who experiment with thin ice will achieve a breakthrough.

* Meetings - where we take minutes and waste hours.

* The hiking shop employs people from all walks of life.

Excuse my Child

2008-02-07T00:57:00.001+08:00

When a student is late or absent from school, a letter from the parents must be supplied for the absence to be excused. Sometimes such letters suggest that the parents were excused from school too many times in their own youth.

"My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."

"Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."

"Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."

"Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating."

"Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."

"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."

"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."

"Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins."

"Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side."

"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."

"Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak."

"Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."

"Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault."

"Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."

"Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."

"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines."

"Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well."

"Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."

"Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover."

"Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor."

"Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."

Oxyidiots

2008-02-04T00:26:00.000+08:00

Some words contain oxymora within themselves—like “she” which has a “he” embedded in it. Because the oxymoron is self-contained, these words are called oxyidiots.

Enjoy these funny examples:

* If you have none, look closely and you’ll find one.

* It would be odd if seven were even.

* Her tears told him her fears were fact, not act.

* You would think there was no harm in charm, but there is.

* One minute the goose was flying high, the next it was lying low.

* The word is mightier than the sword, except in battle.

* Whatever it is, ours is better than yours.

* The bigger the onus, the better the bonus.

* A dessert is heaven, a desert is hell, unless you’re a cactus.

* Begin with a particle, then add to it until you have an article.

* In a word, there is more to women than men.

* You get more with the whole than with the hole.

Dropping the first letter or two of a word is not the only way of forming oxyidiots. Internal letters can be discarded, as long as the remaining letters are in sequence.

* Stay and be happy; stray and be happier.

* There’s more to animosity than amity.

* The gullible gather round the glib.

* Being curt is easier than courteous, but lonelier.

Er-rant Words

2008-02-02T01:04:00.000+08:00

We all know a farmer farms, runner runs and baker bakes. So…

* why doesn’t a butcher butch and an archer arch?

* if you crack a cracker, aren’t you the cracker?

* aren’t you the zipper when you zip a zipper?

* is your broker more broke than you?

* do big numbers make you numb?

* why don’t hammers ham and pliers ply?

* if you work in an office, doesn’t that make you an officer?

* is a peer someone who urinates?

* shouldn’t someone attending be called an attender instead of an attendee?

* how strange is a stranger?

* what does a teller tell?

* when you wait for a waiter, aren’t you the waiter?

Teething Problems - Puns about Dentist

2008-01-28T23:33:00.000+08:00

* I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.

* Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.

* A dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* They called him the king of the dentists because he specialized in crowns.

* A dentist gets on everybody's nerves.

* Dentists have their own flossify on how to keep teeth clean.

* Dentists practice by going through many drills.

* Going to the dentist can be very full filling.

* Dentists have the same old grind day after day.

* There was a dentist who was convicted of incisor trading.

* A dentist has to tell a patient the whole tooth.

Accident Reports can be SOOOOO funny

2008-01-25T00:39:00.000+08:00

Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the accident happened. The combination of the finger pointing instinct and the small spaces provided on the forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations. Here are some of my favourite Hilarious ones. Enjoy !

* A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

* Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have

* No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.

* The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

* I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

* I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before.

* The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

* The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.

* I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows

* I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision.

* I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

* I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

* I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

* To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

* I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

* In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

* My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

* As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

* The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

* A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face.

* The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

* An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

Puns in Crime

2008-01-21T14:46:00.000+08:00

* A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

* A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

* Prison walls are never built to scale.

* They tried to keep a locksmith in prison, but the nut bolted.

* The two guys caught drinking battery acid will soon be charged.

* While stealing from a blood bank, the thief was caught red handed.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* A nut named Hazel held up a bank saying 'give me all the cashew have'.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A librarian caught stealing had the book thrown at her and was put in a three storey jail.

* When a thief stole several volumes from the library he was quickly booked.

* Employed by his jailbird father-in-law a guy soon realized that when an inlaw works for an outlaw -- income depends on outcome.

* The case against a donut thief was full of holes.

* Convicts are committed people.

* The warden gave the inmates acne medicine hoping it would keep them from breaking out.

* A lingerie thief gave a police officer the slip.

* He threw jello at his wife, who had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.

* Stolen eggs are poached.

* Vandals destroyed many road signs. They really pulled out all the stops.

* The hostage said he couldn't stay on the phone long because he was tied up at the moment.

* In jail convicts use cell phones.

Pun-ishing Adjectives

2008-01-19T00:32:00.000+08:00

“I’d like to make a toast,” Tom said warmly. This is an adverb pun and is called a Tom Swiftly as a ridicule of the writing style found in the old Tom Swift adventure books. A variation of the Tom Swiftly is the pun-ishing adjectives. Here’s a sampling.

1. When Willy Nilly joined the track team, he was considered a dashing young man.

2. When Minnie Mumm stuffed a baloney sandwich in her mouth, she looked gorgeous.

3. As inmates miles apart, Eb and Flo could only enjoy a phoney relationship.

4. At nudist camps, people are barely comfortable.

5. Strange women often slapped Doc Trin because of his lustrous looks.

6. Rusty Steele found the jail bars a bit too ironic.

7. The Bumsteads had a petty argument over Daisy the dog.

8. Igor Beever found chasing patients around the sanitarium a rewarding job.

9. There was a man from Limerick who disliked diversified poetry.

10. During elections, candidates rely on pollution results.

Educational Puns

2008-01-14T13:20:00.000+08:00

1. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

2. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

3. He said I was average - but he was just being mean.

4. When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.

5. He wears glasses during math because it improves divison.

6. Math teachers have lots of problems.

7. It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it.

8. What did the triangle say to the circle? You're so pointless.

9. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

10. Skipping school to bungee jump will get you suspended.

11. Studying fungus is a way to mold young minds.

12. Eating too many snacks when studying for a test is called cramming.

13. His qualifications as a math teacher didn't add up.

14. I met a math professor who has 12 children - she really knows how to multiply.

15. A not-very-good art teacher was good only at drawing blank faces.

16. When you use glue in class it paste to be careful.

17. The math teacher was an exponent of his own powers.

18. He dressed poorly in grade eight. The next year he dressed to the nines.

19. The sign language teacher was very good with her hands.

20. English teachers can keep a class Spell bound.

Answers to Bundle Words Puzzle

2008-01-12T01:13:00.000+08:00

So, how many of the bundle words could you figure out.
Well, here are the answers:

1. adamant — the first insect

2. adverse — product jingle

3. automating — car romancing

4. barbell — saloon alarm

5. castaway — actors’ strike

6. departmentally — go crazy

7. divergent — scuba man

8. forbid — on auction

9. headlines — face wrinkles

10. headquarters — coins without tails

11. lavatory — volcanic British politician

12. meanwhile — cruel times

13. nightmare — dark horse

14. otherwise — uniquely smart

15. pastoral — beyond talking

16. pungent — someone who thinks he’s witty

17. restoration — lecture that puts you to sleep

18. shamrock — fake diamond

19. stockade — Wall Street refreshment

20. warrant — battle cry

Bundle of words

2008-01-09T11:54:00.000+08:00

Some words are bundles of two or more words, like can-did or a-bun-dance, and are called charades. These individual words have a meaning by themselves. Of course, the components usually suggest a definition very different from the whole word’s real meaning, so they are called a bundle word.

So, if abundance is a bread boogie, can you match these bundle words?

|beyond talking | fake diamond| cruel times |

| on auction | go crazy | product jingle |

| saloon alarm | coins without tails | battle cry |

| car romancing | scuba man | the first insect |

| volcanic British politician | face wrinkles |

| lecture that puts you to sleep| dark horse |

| Wall Street refreshment | uniquely smart |

| someone who thinks he’s witty | actors’ strike |

1. adamant

2. adverse

3. automating

4. barbell

5. castaway

6. departmentally

7. divergent

8. forbid

9. headlines

10. headquarters

11. lavatory

12. meanwhile

13. nightmare

14. otherwise

15. pastoral

16. pungent

17. restoration

18. shamrock

19. stockade

20. warrant

Funny Names Unless One of Them is Yours

2008-01-06T20:34:00.000+08:00

Have you thought about how parents choose a child's name. Gene or Ginger are great name unless of course Gene's surname happens to be Poole or Ginger's Snap.

So, if you are a parent, please don't be cruel to your kids. Say out the entire name loudly, that is, first and surname in front of a crowd of people, and if no one sniggers or laughs out than you know you got a Great Name.

Here's a list of funny name.

Alba Tross

Alec Tricity

Ali Mooney

Ann Teak

Anne Chovie

Annie Mayshun

April Raines

Art Deco

Artie Fishel

Barry A. Bone

Bart Ender

Bea Fuddle

Candice B. Love

Candy Barre

Chris Cross

Clair Voyant

Crystal Ball

Daisy Chain

Dale E. Bredd

Dan Druff

Deb O'Nair

Di Rhea

Diane B. Berried

Dick Tate

Dot Matrix

Ella Fant

Elle O'Kwent

Ellie Mentary

Emma Nent

Faith Full

Fanci Free

Fay King

Faye Tallity

Hedy Stuff

Herb E. Vore

Holly Wood

Honey Suckel

Hope Leslie

Horace Cope

Ivan Itch

Ivy Leag

Izzy Kidding

Jay Walker

Jo Kerr

Joe King

Justin Case

Kathy Drull

Katy Didd

Kaye Neine

Kit Chen

Kitty Katt

Lauren Order

Lee King

Leo Tard

Lotta Cash

Lou Tennant

Mandy Tory

Manuel Labor

Marion Formony

Mark Etting

Max E. Mize

May O'Naize

Nat Chural

Neal Downe

Nick Oteen

Nicole Odian

Norma Lee

Ollie Baba

Omar Gosh

Peri Skope

Perry Winkle

Polly Esther

Rich N. Faimus

Rick Shaw

Rosie Cheeks

Roy L. Paine

Rudy Mentary

Ruth Leslie

Sara Mony

Saul E. Tare

Scott Frei

Stu Piddity

Sue Shi

Tad Pole

Tess Tickle

Tex Tyle

Theo Retical

Tim Burr

Tom Foolery

Ty Tannic

Val Ubull

Van Illa

Vanna Tea

Vic Tory

Vince Ibble

Wes Tindies

Will Power

Willie Everlearn

Willy Nilly

Steven Wright's One - liners

2008-01-04T21:00:00.000+08:00

First a bit about who is Steven Wright.

Quoted from Wikipedia - Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an Academy Award-winning American stand-up comedian, actor, and writer from Burlington, Massachusetts. He is known for his slow, deadpan, monotone delivery of ironic, witty, deeply philosophical and sometimes confusing jokes and one-liners with overly contrived situations.

So, here are some of his ironic, witty and truly funny one -liners.

1. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

2. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

3. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

4. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.

5. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

6. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

7. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

9. I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

10. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

11. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

12. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

13. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

14. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

15. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

16. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

17. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

18. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

20. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

21. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

22. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

23. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

24. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

25. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

26. I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare

27. I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

28. In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

29. I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically

30. When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

We got Married

2008-01-02T21:08:00.000+08:00

Its always fun and funny to imagine the new name that arises when someone marries. Here are some real funny ones.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

Crazy English

2007-12-30T23:55:00.000+08:00

I love English and I know I am sane. Since English is crazy and I love to use it, am I sane or insane?

Let’s face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day an cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

Now I know why I flunked my English. It’s not my fault; the silly language doesn’t quite know whether it’s coming or going.

Puzzle Answers to Do I fit the Job Description

2007-12-28T13:14:00.000+08:00

For those of you who couldn't figure it out.

Here are the answers.

1. a car body shop worker is a DENTIST

2. the manager of a political candidate is an ELECTRICIAN

3. a trampoline artist is a BOUNCER

4. an expert on hemorrhoids is a ANALYST

5. a cemetery worker is an ENGRAVER

6. a cab driver who gets under your skin is a TAXIDERMIST

7. one who shrinks from his responsibilities is a CONTRACTOR

8. a parking lot attendant is a CARPENTER

9. seller of fruits and vegetables is a PRODUCER

10. one who can’t be a secretary is a TELLER

11. someone who makes pointed remarks is a BARBER

12. a college graduate is a DIPLOMAT

13. someone who won’t share is a MINER

14. the head of a crime syndicate is a VICE-PRESIDENT

15. one who does not spread gossip is a SECRETARY

Do I fit the Job description?

2007-12-27T00:28:00.000+08:00

Can you match the jobs?

I will give you a hint. A sidewalk engineer is a Pathologist

Select the correct answer from the table below:

1. a car body shop worker

2. the manager of a political candidate

3. a trampoline artist

4. an expert on hemorrhoids

5. a cemetery worker

6. a cab driver who gets under your skin

7. one who shrinks from his responsibilities

8. a parking lot attendant

9. seller of fruits and vegetables

10. one who can’t be a secretary

11. someone who makes pointed remarks

12. a college graduate

13. someone who won’t share

14. the head of a crime syndicate

15. one who does not spread gossip
--------------------------------------------------------------------
P.S For those of you who couldn't figure out MINER,

oops I made a mistake of typing a casino black jack dealer instead

of someone who won’t share.

The answer for a casino black jack dealer is A CARDIOLOGIST

DISturbingly DIStorted English

2007-12-22T16:20:00.000+08:00

English is so versertile and can be Disjointed in many ways to create lots of Puns & Fun.

Have you heard about the…

…disappointed chairman?

…disbanded rock group?

…discarded communist?

…discharged cavalry?

…disconcerted orchestra leader?

…discounted blessings?

…discouraged hero?

…discredited shopper?

…discussed blasphemer?

…disenchanted witch?

…disfigured mathematician?

…disillusioned magician?

…disjointed marijuana smoker?

…dismantled moose head?

…dismembered committee?

…disoriented Chinese?

…dispatched trousers?

…displayed stage manager?

…disposed model?

…dissolved equation?

…distilled cash?

…distrusted banker?

Sighted Around the World

2007-12-14T08:44:00.000+08:00

If you know more than 1 language, rather if you know other languages as well as English, and tried to literally translate from 1 language into another, it could turn out to be a diasaster ( or lots of fun! )

IF I were to translate "Give me some water" from Tamil to English, it would end up as "Me some water give"

When someone is not well versed in English, then there is room for lots of blunders.

Here is a list of signs in English that were "Sighted" around the world.

1. In a Tokyo hotel:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

2. In a hotel in Athens:

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

3. In a Yugoslav hotel:

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

4. In a Japanese hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

5. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Monastery:

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

6. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

7. On the menu of a Polish hotel:

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

8. Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

9. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

10. At a Bangkok dry cleaners:

Drop your trousers here for best results.

11. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

12. In a Rome laundry:

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

13. At an Acapulco hotel:

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

14. A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

15. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Wonder Phrases

2007-12-12T00:25:00.000+08:00

Like any language, English has a lot of idiom-phrases that don’t make grammatical sense. But that’s no excuse not to laugh at them.

Is it a bargain if you buy a violin, no strings attached?

If you’re on a low carb diet, aren’t you going against the grain?

Is it the crack of dawn that causes daybreak?

Will you find cell phones in prison?

Is bar hopping a joint venture?

Would being woke up by an earthquake be a moving experience?

How come you have to write down something to write up something?

When people say “God speed,” how fast is that?

How much money do you save when you receive a free gift?

If you stretch the truth do you a get a tall tale?

If a race is neck and neck, would that mean it’s a necktie?

How come you have to fill in a form to fill out a form?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same?

Why do they call it rush hour when traffic moves the slowest?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Does alphabet soup ever spell trouble?

Can you take a crash course in flying?

How come noses run and feet smell?

Why do people sit down during the day and sit up late at night?

If you float an idea, how long before it sinks in?

Do politicians who sling mud loose ground?

When you stick your neck out, how do you stick it back in?

If you make ends meet, aren’t you just going around in circles?

Do people who skydive ever think they are jumping to conclusions?

If you saw someone who was two-faced, wouldn’t you do a double take?

If marriage is a two-way street, aren’t head-on collisions inevitable?

If you pull strings to get ahead, won’t your scheme unravel?

Are you sound asleep when you snore?

Why do they leave out the letter b on “Garage Sale” signs? (garbage)

If you eat your hat and swallow your pride, why do you end up with egg on your face?

Does your pet peeve know any tricks?

How come the bride never marries the best man?

Is a will a dead giveaway?

If a thief falls into wet cement, does he become a hardened criminal?

Aren’t a calendar's days are numbered?

Isn't a boiled egg is hard to beat?

Ain't heard anythin yet!

2007-12-10T10:28:00.000+08:00

Sayings have a way of changing over time. I came across a site dealing with how Americans used to speak and what's it amounts to now. Here are some of them - dealing with emotions!

THEY SAID: Bummed as a fiddlestick!

WE SAY: Really bored!
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: Cuttin' up.

WE SAY: Joking around.
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: Don't get your dander up (upstate PA)

WE SAY: Don't get mad.
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: Don't get your knickers in a twist.

WE SAY: Don't get upset about it.
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: Happy as a clam suckin sand!

WE SAY: I'm happy.
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: He is pulling your leg

WE SAY: He is teasing you
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: I could chew nails, and fart tacks.

WE SAY: Extremely agitated.
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: I raised Hell and put a chunk under it!

WE SAY: I was quite angry
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: I won't sleep more than 10 hours worryin' about it.

WE SAY: I don't care
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

WE SAY: Get serious.
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: I'll kick your ass in to next week

WE SAY: You're in trouble!
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: I'm about to cloud up and rain all over you!

WE SAY: Look out! You are making me mad!
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: I'm as mad as spit on a griddle.

WE SAY: I'm extremely angry.
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: I'm so mad I could spit tacks!

WE SAY: I'm very angry.
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: Keep your britches on.

WE SAY: Be patient.
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: Keep your shirt on!

WE SAY: Don't get so excited!
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: She split her seams.

WE SAY: She laughed hard (a lot).
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: She wears her heart on her sleeve.

WE SAY: She gets her feelings hurt too easily.
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: Simmer down

WE SAY: Calm down
.--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: Snug as a bug in a rug!

WE SAY: I'm comfortable.
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: That tickles my funny bone!

WE SAY: That makes me laugh!
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: That's enough to gag a maggot

WE SAY: That's really disgusting or awful.
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: That's enough to puke a buzzard.

WE SAY: Really disgusting
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: That's slicker'n snot on a glass door knob

WE SAY: That is really fantastic
--------------------------------------------------
THEY SAID: You're breathing a scab on your nose

WE SAY: You're asking for a fight.
--------------------------------------------------

P.S. Can you imagine saying "I won't sleep more than 10 hours worryin' about it." to anyone.
Ain't these verses are really cute?

How to a rob bank - a surefire way to get caught

2007-12-04T20:46:00.000+08:00

This article is part of How2Blogger’s Super Sexy Holiday ‘How To’ Contest which you can see at How2Blogger’s ‘How To’ site.

1. While robbing the bank, call Taxi services and state your home address so that they will know where to drop you!

2. So as not to deal with the cumbersome cash involved, give the bank clerk your account number and ask for the funds to be transferred to your account!

3. Bring a gun to rob the bank. Then your friend calls you to inform you that the gun you had bought along is a dummy. You then scream into the phone "You idiot, didn't I tell you I'm gonna rob the bank today, why did you give me the dummy gun".

4. Wear a false nose and mustache mask to disguise your face, then sneeze away so that the mask falls off.

5. Rob the bank together with your partner. Then quarrel over who gets to hold the bigger bag until the bank staff is able to press the alarm button!

6. While your partner is getting the money from the bank staff, you flirt with a really pretty customer and give her your phone number ( Just in front of the bank's camera!)

7. You hand over a note written in a special stationery paper (Paid by your Credit Card no less) stating "This is a Bank Robbery, Give me all the money" No you're not too dumb! It's not handwritten by you. You ask your 4 year old child to do it. - No way they can figure out whose handwriting it is right?

Well if you have any more Bright ideas, do share them with me!!!

How to double your money - an humorous outlook

2007-12-02T00:44:00.000+08:00

This article is part of How2Blogger’s Super Sexy Holiday ‘How To’ Contest which you can see at How2Blogger’s ‘How To’ site.

1. Get a Thousand Dollar note ( If one is unable, you can use a Hundred dollar bill instead) then fold it over itself.

2. Find Midas and ask him to touch the coins in your piggy bank ( Please wear gloves when you hadle Midas Touch)

3. Open an Excel document. Type "Money" into the first cell. Copy and Paste into other cells.

4. When you have completed the whole Excell page with "Money", Print out as many copies as you wish.

5. Get some cheap bottles and fill it with tap water. Sell them as the water from "The Foutain of Youth".

6. Use a colour copier to copy the Thousand dollar note and print as many copies as you wish (AT YOUR OWN RISK)

7. Rob a Bank (NOT RECOMMENDED)
p.s. please inform me before you attempt so that I can
withdraw all my funds first. THANKS

8. Start your own e-mail scam. Be as inventive as possible as we've
seen too many to fall for it

Job Jokes

2007-11-30T16:17:00.000+08:00

A good teacher has class.

The professional farmer excels in his/her field.

An incompetent chef can dessert his patrons.

A good cook knows how to dish it out.

An army cook can make a mess.

Accountants appreciate a good figure.

Smart electricians are up on current affairs

A cement worker has concrete ideas.

Sleeping plumbers have pipe dreams.

Inventors are patently smart.

Your dentist knows the drill.

A good rancher has a herd mentality.

Gamblers are a dicey lot.

A photographer’s skill is developing.

A good artist can draw a crowd.

A roofer on the job is above it all.

Usually violinists just string along.

Lazy bakers loaf on the job.

Undertakers face stiff competition.

A nude model barely makes a living.

State troopers know just the ticket.

A ballerina can leap to conclusions.

Most psychiatrists should be committed.

Wonderful English - Paradoxical Definitions

2007-11-29T11:22:00.001+08:00

1. Isn’t it fruitless to eat your vegetables?

2. What are you vacating when you go on vacation?

3. Can you enjoy a party fully?

4. In the navy, is a portly person left-handed?

5. At sundown wouldn’t you expect nightrise instead of nightfall?

6. Isn’t kidnapping normal in kindergartens?

7. Can lay people be upstanding citizens?

8. How come lipstick doesn’t do what it says?

9. If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

11. Didn’t rearing children once have something to do with spanking their butts?

12. If you pull the wings off a fly, does it become a walk?

13. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

14. How do you get off a non-stop flight?

15. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

16. How come people recite at a play and play at a recital?

17. Why are goods sent by ship called cargo and those sent by truck shipment?

18. In a stadium, why do they call a place where you sit the stands?

19. Would you rather have your bank account frozen, liquidated, or evaporated?

20. What does it mean when the odds are even against you?

Antagonyms

2007-11-28T14:26:00.000+08:00

Antagonyms - this is similar to oxymoron. Rather than two contradicting words the author uses one word that has two contradicting meaning. For eg. Bound: Moving ("I was bound for Chicago") vs. Unable to move ("I was bound to a post", or less literally, "I was bound to my desk"). Here are some other Antagonyms - can you think of any others?

1. Assume: To actually have (To assume office) vs. To hope to have ("He assumed he would be elected.")

2. Buckle: to hold together (e.g. buckle your belt) vs. to fall apart (e.g., buckle under pressure)

3. Cite, Citation: For doing good (such as military gallantry) vs. for doing bad (such as from a traffic policeman)

4. Cut: get in (as in line or queue) vs. get out (as in a school class)

5. Fast: Moving rapidly vs. Unable to move ("I was held fast to my bed.")

6. Hysterical: Being overwhelmed with fear [in some cases] vs. Being funny

7. Left: To remain vs. to have gone (Of all who came, only Fred's left. [Does it mean he's the only one who still remains or that he's the first to depart?)

8. Practiced: Experienced, expert (I am practiced in my work) vs. Inexperienced effort (The child practiced coloring.)

9. Reservation: what you make when you know where you want to go vs. what you have when you're not sure if you want to go

10. Sanction: Support for an action (They sanctioned our efforts.) vs. A penalty for an action (The Congressman was sanctioned for inappropriate behavior.)

11. Strike out: An ending, as in "The batter struck out." vs. A beginning, as in "I thought it was time to strike out on my own."

12. Trim: To add things to (trim a Christmas tree) vs. or take pieces off (trim hair)

Anagram Genius - More wordplay fun

2007-11-26T09:05:00.000+08:00

Did you know that rearranging the letters of "George Bush" gives "He bugs Gore", "Madonna Louise Ciccone" gives "Occasional nude income" and "William Shakespeare", "I am a weakish speller"??!

Well, I came across this great website that deals with Anagram. It's free and I had lots of fun putting in my name and names of my friends and relatives, famous people and phrases. Here is the result. Hope you have fun too. (By the way, you should check out this site too. Anagram Genius

'Hillary Clinton' anagrams to 'Only I can thrill.'

'Davincci code' anagrams to 'Civic, odd acne.'

'Mary had a little lamb' anagrams to 'Lethally maim bad rat.'

'Superman' anagrams to 'Sane rump.'

'Wonderwomen' anagrams to 'Now need worm.'

'Power Puff Girls' anagrams to 'Grew or up spliff.'

'Charles Dickens' anagrams to 'He's slick dancer.'

'Marilyn Manroe' anagrams to 'On merry animal.'

'Elvis Presley' anagrams to 'Lively sprees.'

'Click here' anagrams to 'Check! Riel.'

'Dashboard' anagrams to 'Dad abhors.'

'To be or not to be' anagrams to 'Boo onto better.'

'Merry Christmas' anagrams to 'Smarmy retch, sir?'

'The wedding march' anagrams to 'Might dead wrench.'

'late for the wedding ' anagrams to 'Delighted after now.'

'Old Macdonald' anagrams to 'Modal and cold.'

Occupational Names - Fun with English

2007-11-24T20:50:00.000+08:00

Have you ever come across a name and thought to yourself that this person should be working in this job, for example Shouldn't Robin Hood be a salesman in Clothes Retail. Well here are some great and funny ones. HAHAHA.....

Optometrist -- Seymore Clearly
Insurance Salesman -- Justin Case
Insurance Adjuster -- Carlos N. Toto
Ballerina (dressing) -- Donna Tutu
Inept lion tamer -- Claude Severely
Petty thief -- Robin Steele.
Microsurgeon -- Lance Boyle.
Proctologist -- Seymore Butts.
Phys Ed teacher -- Jim Schorts.
Guy who uses mild epithets -- Evan Stubetzy.
Darth Vader's sister -- Ella.
Rancher's wife -- Barb Dwyer.
The writer of a very thick novel -- Warren Peace.

Chinese Phrase ... English Translation

2007-11-20T19:59:00.000+08:00

Ai Bang Mai Ne ... I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat ... You need a face lift
Dum Gai ... A stupid person
Gun Pao Der ... An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung ... Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding ... We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
Jan Ne Kaw Sun ... A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia ... Approach me
Lao Ze Sho ... Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi ... Not very good
Lin Ching ... An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding ... A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn ... A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai ... A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be ... A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne ... A small horse
Ten Ding Ba ... Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung ... A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan ... Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah ... Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim ... Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting ... There is no reason to raise your voice

Collective Nouns - an Humorous Outlook

2007-11-13T07:42:00.000+08:00

We've heard of a pride of lions or even a conspiracy of ravens. Well check out the following and have some laughs :)

1. a hassle of errands,
2. a magnum of hit-men,
3. a shortage of dwarfs,
4. a quarrel of lawyers,
5. a minuscule of sub-atomic particles.
6. a treachery of spies.
7. a mixture of pharmacists.
8. a clutch of mechanics.
9. a sulk of teenagers.
10. a 404 of lost web pages.
11. an enterprise of trekkies.
12. A pinch of shoplifters.
13. a plunder of goons.
14. an encroachment of fence-builders.
15. a thrombosis of heart specialists.
16. an incantation of witches/wizards/warlocks.
17. A flight of runaway brides.
18. an assassination of gangsters.
19. a brace of orthodontists.
20. A contingent of understudies.

Double Trouble - A Rhyming Game

2007-11-09T15:09:00.000+08:00

The other day, I challenged my daughter Sabrina (Who is eleven years old) to a rhyming game. Who can think of the most double words that rhyme yet make sense. The other rules - 1) The beginning sound of both words cannot be the same eg. Hair hare(X), Share hare.
2) The ending of the words not only sound alike but must be spelled alike too eg. plane brain (X), plain brain. 3) The two words joined together must make sense.

Well, here is the list. How many more can you think of?

1) Double Trouble
2) Bubble Trouble
3) Bare Mare
4) Bare Hare
5) Yellow Pillow
6) Pink Link
7) Weak Leak
8) Take Rake
9) Pack Snack
10) Brown Gown
11) Fun Run
12) Snare Hare
13) Pure Cure
14) Hub Club
15) Skip Trip
16) Fire Hire
17) Thin Bin
18) Few Dew
19) Flower Power
20) Hover Over
21) Thick Stick
22) Small Ball
23) Mall Hall
24) Toy Boy
25) Tall Wall
26) Rare Stare
27) Steal Meal
28) More Store
29) Main Pain
30) Hate Fate
31) Heat Meat
32) Bring Thing

More Jokes

2007-10-31T12:28:00.000+08:00

Here are more jokes that makes use of puns. My favourite is the one about the frog and the cat. Which is your favourite?

What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes? You can't venom all.

What did the mother say to her kids when she came home to find the sink piled high? Dishes a real mess!

What did the religious owner of a pest control company tell his workers he sent them off to their assignments each day? “Brothers and sisters, let us spray.”

What did the toy store sign say? Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.

What Disney movie is about a gal who couldn't rise above a housecleaning position? The Little Mere Maid

What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend? Dumb Beau

What Disney movie is about the tall-tale-telling champ? The Lyin' King

What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.

What happened to the woman with ten children? She went stork raving mad.

What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.

What is a mouse's favorite game? Hide and Squeak

What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail? Wherewolf

What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin? One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.

What is the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.

What is the difference between a knight and Santa's reindeer? One slays the dragon and the other is draggin' the sleigh.

What is the difference between a miser and a canary? One's a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.

What is the difference between a unicorn and lettuce? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.

What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer? One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.

What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

What is the religion of a woman who had a sex-change operation. A HeThen

What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady"

What would you get if you crossed a bat with a lonely hearts club? Lots of blind dates.

What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl? A smart ass which knows it all.

What would you get if you crossed a mole with a porcupine? A tunnel that leaks.

What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.

What would you get if you crossed a pigeon and a general? A military coo.

What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge? A shock absorber.

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.

When I saw a lorry load of tortoises crash into a train load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

When Mr. Sip's wife steps into the rest room, does Mississippi?

When NASA puts 20 head of cattle into outer space, it will be the first herd shot around the world.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

When the cops raided the strip joint, who did they arrest every bawdy?

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Whenever I hear Pavlov's name, it rings a bell.

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.

I Tried to Jokes- Occupational Puns

2007-10-25T07:20:00.000+08:00

Here are some puns that deals with the numerous jobs and how they were unable to perform it (using puns). My favourite is about the fisherman, what's yours?

I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded
I used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.
I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.
I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.
I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.
I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.
I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.
I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.

Poems about the Environment

2007-10-16T16:50:00.000+08:00

On October 15th, bloggers around the web will unite to put a single important issue on everyone’s mind - the environment. Every blogger will post about the environment in their own way and relating to their own topic. Our aim is to get everyone talking towards a better future.

Although I'm a day late, I thought "Better late than never".
Here are some poems about the Environment.

The World by K. E Boulding
"The world is finite, resources are scarce,
Things are bad and will be worse,
Coal is burned and gas exploded,
Forests out and soil eroded,
Wells are dry and air polluted,
Dust is blowing, trees are uprooted,
Oil is going, ores depleted,
Drains receive what is excreted,
Land is sinking, seas are rising,
Man is far too enterprising,
Fires will rage with man to fan it,
Soon we will have a plundered planet."

The Future by Pachamama
What does the future hold for us?
Smog filled skies and poison cars,
And broken land with useless dust
And nature’s beauty behind bars.

Can I ever show my children,
(If they ever come my way)
The beauty of a sunset
At the ending of the day?

Can I walk into a forest,
And surround myself with trees,
Yet know that it will remain,
For me to visit as I please.

I know that I can today
Do all the things I’ve said,
But when today is yesterday,
Will all these things be dead?

This problem is enormous
As we gradually take heed,
So we must fix it quickly,
Using words and thoughts and deeds."

Game's End by Greta Akili
Nature no secrets she has-
Man and his technology
With his inventions to kill
Another spices extinct.
For I was alone- hunted till death
Earth's creatures, open for invasion
Laws defiled -Speed and scent
Their weapons to escape
But with a frightening feeling
She no longer exists
My little ones will starve
No visions, they continue to invade
Are they never to learn?

Wetlands by Greta Akili
O' Wetlands! How I mourn for you,
Death is close at hand,
I am called many names,
Estuarine, mangrove swamp, marsh, bottomlands
And surrounded by mangrove forests,
With oysters stuck to my roots,
Fishes live and depend on me, to feed spawn and grow,
Crabs have homes, tunnels of holes around me,
Turtles pay a visit every year to lay,
And birds of green, little blue and yellow night herons
Reflect upon me.

I also help to protect you, I take in carbon and
Release oxygen for you to breathe
I function like a strainer and a sieve to filter pollutants
From the sea, making it safe for you to swim
I hear two thousand a new millennium
Will I be here for my eco-system and other sisters to survive and flourish?
I am now threatened. I have been cut I am bleeding
Garbage is dumped in and around me I cannot breathe
Filth- Sewage flows into me- I will become sick

Development hotels and airports are building around us
We are dying. Who are the powers that be? Does anyone care?
Will we be saved? Is it already too late?
I hope that we can be saved,
Because in saving us the benefits and gains are so rich,
That we can become millionaires together with MOTHER EARTH