Sunday, August 31, 2008

Fun with Puns

What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

What did the toy store sign say? Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.

What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady"

What is the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.

What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie

They arrested the bartender for taking liquor home. I believe the official charge was "emboozlement."

I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.

What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

What is the difference between a unicorn and lettuce? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

The paradox of our time

The paradox of our time in history
is that we have taller buildings but
shorter tempers, wider Freeways ,
but narrower viewpoints. We spend
more, but have less, we buy more,
but enjoy less. We have bigger
houses and smaller families, more
conveniences, but less time. We
have more degrees but less sense,
more knowledge, but less judgment,
more experts, yet more problems,
more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much,
spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry,
stay up too late, get up too tired,
read too little, watch TV too much,
and pray too seldom. We have multiplied
our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom,
and hate too often. We've learned how
to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life
to years. We've been all the way
to the moon and back, but have trouble
crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not
inner space. We've done larger things,
but not better things. We've cleaned
up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but
not our prejudice. We write more,
but learn less. We plan more,
but accomplish less. We've
learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold
more information, to produce more
copies than ever, but we communicate
less and less. These are the times
of fast foods and slow digestion,
big men and small character,
steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes
but more divorce, fancier houses,
but broken homes. These are days of
quick trips, disposable diapers,
throwaway morality, one night stands,
overweight bodies, and pills that do
everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Why Guys Can't Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Wizened Proverbs

- Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

- Man with one chopstick go hungry.

- Man who scratch bum should not bite fingernails.

- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

- War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

- Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

- Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

- Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

- Man who break wind in church sit in own pew.

- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Alcohol Consumption Warning

- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

- The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

- The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

- The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

- The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your behind kicked.

- The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

- The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

- The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

- The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Twin Trouble

Upon telling people that I am a twin, I have heard some really interesting comments. I can't tell you how many times this exchange has happened:

"Are you two related?"
"Yes, we're twins."
"Gosh, you look so much alike I would have thought you were sisters."


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One of the stories my twin sister and I like to tell is that neither my mother nor her doctor had any idea she was going to have twins until a nurse in the delivery room looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my gosh, there's another one!"

A friend to whom I told this story remarked, "Wow! How old were you when this happened?"



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Around the beginning of the school year, my sister was talking to a guy in her history class. Apparently the same guy was in my English class but didn't realize there were two of us. He came up to my sister and said, "Hi Sarah."

My sister corrected him. "No, I'm Jennifer."

He got really confused and asked, "Well, how come they call you Sarah in English class?"



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If I had a nickel for every time someone pulled something like this on my sister and me....


Someone: "So you two are twins?"
My Sister and Me: "Yep."
Someone: "But you can't be twins! Your names don't rhyme! Her shoelaces are bigger than yours! Your clothes don't match! You weren't born at the exact same second!"
My Sister and Me: (sigh)


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One of my favorite exchanges about being a twin happens every now and again. It goes like this:


"How old are you?"
"I'm 27."
"How old is your twin sister?"


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I have twins that are five months old. Once I was talking to a young man, maybe 19 or 20, who looked at my babies and asked if I had two boys or two girls. I replied, "Oh, they're a boy and a girl."

"I thought they were twins?"

"They are!" I answered, and then I had to explain that, yes, this was possible. He couldn't seem to grasp the difference between fraternal and identical twins.

Finally he asked, "Are you sure?"



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When I was in college, I was working for a savings and loan as a security guard at night. One evening, my identical twin brother stopped by, and one of my not-so-bright co-workers was amazed:


Co-Worker: "Wow, are you guys twins?"
Me: "Yeah."
Co-Worker: "How do you tell each other apart?"
He was not joking.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Word Puzzles Contest 1 Answers and Winner

Congrats to English Advantage who answered correctly to all five puzzles first. Canucklehead gets a consolation prize of 50 EC credits for answering 4 of them right.

Now for the answers



Answer : Missing You



Answer : Space invaders



Answer : Split second timing



Answer : Too intense (2 in tens)



Answer : Down to Earth