Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Humorous Pondering

• These I have never understood:
o We chop down trees but chop up wood;
o We draw down wrath, we draw up wills,
o We run down foes, we run up bills;
o We eat food up, we down a drink,
o Which is a little strange, I think.
o We turn down offers, turn up noses--
o Just one last thought and then this closes:
o We should remember, we poor clowns,
o That life is full of ups and downs.

•Two robins are lying on their backs, soaking up some sun.
A Mama cat and her kitten come walking by.
The kitten complains, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?"
The Mama cat, spying the 2 birds replies, "How about some baskin' robins?"

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded
I used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.
I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.
I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.
I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.
I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.
I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.
I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.


Jenn of the Jungle said...

Try being an American married to an Englishman. Now there are some "idiosyncrasies" in the language there.

Sheila said...

I had no idea what you meant by baskin' robins when I read this post yesterday, but today I was out and about in a city I don't know well, and lo and behold - a Baskin' Robins selling milk shakes and ice cream! For some reason I was ridiculously pleased :)

jenn of the jungle, you might be amused by Britishspeak by an American author trying to understand British English (though there's a lot of side-tracking).

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Neutron said...

Oh my goodness!! This is all so bad it's GOOD!!

Excellent stuff (if groan-producing ;-))!