Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Punny Around the World

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

The incontinent Scotsman had a wee accident.

Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

The Irish should be rich because their capital is always Dublin.

Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.

Italian building inspectors in Pisa are leanient.

There is some Confucion about the oldest religion in China.

In a Scandinavian race the last Lapp crossed the Finnish line.

Did you know that donuts were first made in Greece?

If you said you were from South America, I would not Bolivia.

Britain is a wet place since the queen has had a long reign.

Goats in France are musical because they have french horns.

The pharaohs of Egypt worked out the first pyramid scheme.

While in Mexico, the chinese diplomat got a ticket for going the
Wong way on the Juan Way street.

Before the revolution, Russia was in a Tsary state.

A practical Czech is considered to be Praguematic.

Things made in Australia are high koala-ty.

People in Switzerland can't learn to ski without a lot of alp.

Television sets in Britain have to cross the English Channel.

People have a happy time vacationing in Ireland because they are
walking on Eire.

If you send a letter to the Philippines put it in a Manila

When Irish boys carry their little brothers, they get a Pat on the

Should we watch the Swiss?'. 'Of quartz we should.'

When Mongolians walk they like to take big steppes.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Welcome to the Town of Feeling

I came accross this wonderful Poem by Mary Pat from http://www.reflectingrace.com

Yes, the title say it all - Its about feelings. But it has lots of play of words too . (It reminded me of the poem about Somebody, Nobody, Anybody and Everybody)

Happy, Sad, Mad and Glad,
Moved in down the street

Cautious watched them, from her window,
Wondering, which one should I meet?

Confused came in with overwhelmed and said,
"The Panics have come to town"

Then Hopeful called the carefulls,
And said that Happy was a clown.

Anxious came in with the news,
Confident had called a town meeting

To take a vote for Mayor,
And to Welcome the new neighbors to Feeling.

Feeling was a busy town,
Always on the go

Happy was voted as Feeling's Mayor,
While Confident decided to go.

Happy took the Mayors Job and took it seriously.

Thinking the town,
Would be so much better off,

If everyone were Happy.

Now Happy asked for their suggestions,
Saying yes to everyone.

Soon, Happy was out and Chaos was in,
Chaos was on the run.

Gathering the folks from Feeling,
Chaos ran from house to house,

While Bored and Lonely ran into town,
And were quiet as a mouse.

While Chaos was running with Crazy,
Happy called Confident and Calm,

They knew that Lazy was out of the question,
For it was nearly dawn.

When the two groups came together,
They wondered "Who will it ever be?"

Who would watch over the town of Feeling,
and keep it rodent free?

Happy, Sad, Mad and Glad,
Were chosen on the spot

Then balanced and joyful came to town,
They were the best house on the lot.

The people that lived in Feeling,
Well, they came and then they went

The time they had with neighbors and friends,
Was definitely time well spent.

When you find yourself in Feeling,
Remember to take it slow,

Making friends in this wonderful place,
Is the only way to go.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Naturally Punny

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

When the plums dry on your tree, it's time to prune.

When kissing flowers, tulips are better than one.

To termites, a group of dead trees is an arbor eat'um.

On organic farms they till it like it is.

My wife works over-thyme in her herb garden before she decides it is time to cummin.

Scarecrows are always garden their patch.

If we canteloup lettuce marry!

The research assistant couldn't experiment with plants because he hadn't botany.

If you're looking for oranges on an apple tree you will have a fruitless search.

One palm tree said to another 'let's have a date.'

Old gardeners never die they just vegetate.

The apple crossed the street because he wanted to get to the other cider the road.

When the Nomadic tree senses danger it packs up its trunk and leaves.

If you're a gardener you might call yourself a 'plant manager'.

Gardeners like to plant their feet firmly.

What kind of tree grows on your hand? A palm tree.

A lot of trees were dying, but they needed to figure out the root of the problem.

The couple grew fruit trees and lived to a ripe old age.

Those who plant trees be-leaf in the future.

I will cut the grass only when I get Mowtivated.

The plums for sale dried out, so the profits were pruned.

The best gardening clubs are grass roots organizations.

A gardener who moved back to his home town rediscovered his roots.

Did you hear about the guy who planted bullets? He wanted to see a lot of little shoots.

A gardener's work is a bed of roses.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Humorous Pondering

• These I have never understood:
o We chop down trees but chop up wood;
o We draw down wrath, we draw up wills,
o We run down foes, we run up bills;
o We eat food up, we down a drink,
o Which is a little strange, I think.
o We turn down offers, turn up noses--
o Just one last thought and then this closes:
o We should remember, we poor clowns,
o That life is full of ups and downs.

•Two robins are lying on their backs, soaking up some sun.
A Mama cat and her kitten come walking by.
The kitten complains, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?"
The Mama cat, spying the 2 birds replies, "How about some baskin' robins?"

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded
I used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.
I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.
I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.
I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.
I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.
I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.
I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Did you hear .....

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Punny Business

Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.

Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

At a pet store: 'buy one dog, get one flea'.

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken.

A man walked into a chimney store and asked 'How much for this one?'. The salesman replied 'It's on the house.'

A music store had a small sign which read: Bach in a Minuet.

The price of shingles is going through the roof.

Can a piece of antique clothing be uncomfortable? Of corset can.

A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary

Waiting for her photos to be developed a young girl sang 'Some day my prints will come.'

Some shoe sales have a good selection to boot.

Sign on a broken perfume bottle, "Out of odor".

A book store and clothing store merged under the name text-aisles.

A computer store takes inventory to monitor progress including a disk-count.

A secretary for a hardware store has to file more than nails.

The riot at Macy's was called a shopping maul.

I bought me some of those new paper shirts. I don't like them - they're tearable.

The clerk had stickers everywhere. There was even a price on her head.

Their business plan for a flower shop was cut and dried.

If they ever have a contest for the best looking mannequin, there will be stiff competition.

It's amazing how stores take Valentines day to heart.

What is the best store to be in during an earthquake? A stationery store.

Sign in an electrician's shop ? 'We will refuse you.'

At a music store: 'hear here'.

The staff at jewelry stores have hearts of gold.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Misstatements from Dan Quayle

Dan Quayle, Vice President to George Bush from 1988-1992, is one of the most famous misstatement makers ever. Here is a collection of some of his most notorious flubs

"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here."

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

"You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be."

"El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans, I have heard a single voice."

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO. We are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

"My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right."

"I deserve respect for the things I did not do."

"I feel that this is my first year, that next year is an election year, that the third year is the mid point, and that the fourth year is the last chance I'll have to make a record since the last two years; I'll be a candidate again. Everything I do in those last two years will be posturing for the election. But right now I don't have to do that."

"This President is going to lead us out of this recovery."

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"[The U.S. victory in Gulf War was a] stirring victory for the forces of aggression."

"Bank failures are caused by depositors who don't deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If there is oxygen, then we can breathe."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Vice President, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

"Let me just tell you how thrilling it really is, and how, what a challenge it is, because in 1988 the question is whether we're going forward to tomorrow or whether we're going to go past to the -- to the back!"

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."

"Bobby Knight told me this: 'There is nothing that a good defense cannot beat a better offense.' In other words a good offense wins."

"It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago."

"This isn't a man who is leaving with his head between his legs."

"Unfortunately, the people of Louisiana are not racists."

"We lead in exporting jobs." -- Committing a Freudian slip while speaking to the Chamber of Commerce of Evansville, Indiana, a city which lost four large companies in the previous four years. He quickly changed the word 'jobs' to 'products.'

"If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they'll fish for a lifetime."

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."

"Votes are like trees, if you are trying to build a forest. If you have more trees than you have forests, then at that point the pollsters will probably say you will win."

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

"Clinton cannot possibly win in 2000." -- Referring to Bill Clinton, who had already served two terms as President by 2000.

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make."

"Every once in a while, you let a word or phrase out, and you want to catch it and bring it back. You can't do that. It's gone, gone forever."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."