Monday, April 28, 2008

Check out these Classifieds - Guranteed to provide laughter or your money back!

The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.

"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."

"Washing machine: free to good home."

"No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."

"Great Dames for sale."

"Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."

"German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free."

"Free ducks. You catch."

"1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer"

"Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."

"Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."

"2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"

"For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50"

"Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"

"Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"

"Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."

"Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."

"Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."

"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."

"Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"

"Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."

"Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."

"This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."

"Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."

"Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."

"Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."

"Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."

"Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."

"Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."

"Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."

"A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."

"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."

"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."


"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."

"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."

"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."

"Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."

"We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."

"We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."

"Tattoos done while you wait."

"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."

"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."

"If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."

"Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."

"Stock up and save. Limit: one."

"For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."

"Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."

"TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."

"This house has been fully insulted."

"Man, honest. Will take anything."

"Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"

"Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."

"3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred."

"Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."

"Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops."

"Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."

"Illiterate? Write today for free help."

"Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."

"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."

"Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."

"And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."

"We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."