The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.
"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."
"Washing machine: free to good home."
"No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."
"Great Dames for sale."
"Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."
"German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free."
"Free ducks. You catch."
"1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer"
"Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."
"Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."
"2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"
"For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50"
"Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"
"Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"
"Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."
"Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."
"Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."
"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."
"Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"
"Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."
"Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."
"This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."
"Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."
"Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."
"Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."
"Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."
"Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."
"Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."
"Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."
"A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."
"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."
"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."
"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."
"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."
"Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."
"We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."
"We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."
"Tattoos done while you wait."
"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."
"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."
"If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."
"Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."
"Stock up and save. Limit: one."
"For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."
"Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."
"TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."
"This house has been fully insulted."
"Man, honest. Will take anything."
"Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"
"Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."
"3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred."
"Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."
"Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops."
"Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."
"Illiterate? Write today for free help."
"Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."
"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."
"Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."
"And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."
"We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."
Monday, April 28, 2008
The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
- To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
- The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
Laws of Work
- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- The more of it you put up with, the more of it you're going to get.
- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.
Murphy on Work
- There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
- The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
- People are always available for work in the past tense.
- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
- You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Here is a whole list of DUMB Questions for to you ponder ( and I hope that you would laugh out loud). Which is your favourite DUMB question?
"When I press on my brakes, the car doesn't stop. Do you think this is something I should have fixed?" -- Asked of a worker at an auto repair shop.
"If you record silence on a tape and then play it back with the volume all the way up, will that drown out the noise in the room?" -- Asked by a woman of her boyfriend at the time.
"How do I tell the difference between the big staples and the little staples?" -- Asked of a fellow office worker in South Africa.
"The Renaissance was during the 1920's, right?" -- Asked of a high school student by another.
"Where do you think water comes from? The SKY?" -- From an overheard argument about water conservation.
"Do you want specific information in general or what?" -- From an overheard conversation between two managers.
"I wasn't able to tape Oprah. Could I possibly come down there and watch it?" -- Asked of a local television station.
"What day is New Year's again?"
"How much is that $10 watch?"
"Oh, honey, here's a watch store -- maybe they have it. Do you have any toe rings?"
"Glenn Miller? Didn't he die in a car crash flying to France?"
"I hate stereotypes. We Canadians don't really talk like that, eh?"
"How do I get my car fixed?" -- Asked of a health insurance company.
"What do you do with the mogels in the summer?" -- Asked of a ski lift operator.
"Is Scott there?" -- Scott, asking for his friend Jim.
"Isn't it funny how Thanksgiving lands on a Thursday every year?" -- Woman, overheard in a diner.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Manufacturers of consumer products have to be liberal with the warning labels these days, lest they get sued. But for these, it's hard to know whether the company is being outright stupid or if they're simply targeting the most brain dead dumb among us.
P.S. I have highlighted some my favourite one for you to enjoy!
"Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." -- In the information booklet.
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
"Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.
"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.
"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.
"Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.
"Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.
"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.
"Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.
"Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.
"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.
"Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
"Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."
"Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.
"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.
"Caution: Shoots rubber bands." -- On a product called "Rubber Band Shooter."
"Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.
"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.
"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.
"Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.
"Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.
"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.
"For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.
"For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.
"Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.
"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.
"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.
"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.
"Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.
"Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.
"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.
"Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.
"Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.
"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.
"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.
"Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.
"Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.
"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
"Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.
"For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.
"This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.
"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.
"Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.
"Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.
"Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.
"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.
"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.
"Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.
"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.
"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.
"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.
"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.
"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.
"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
"Do not eat if seal is missing." -- On said seal.
"Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it."
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.
"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
I came across this wonderful play of words by Leslie Fieger. A perfect example of how English can be twisted to create the lots of laughter.
I went to the eye doctor the other day. I thought it was time to have my eyes checked. It turned out to also be a reality picture checkup.
I enter the office to be greeted by the receptionist, "Can I help you?"
"I hope so." I reply, "I'd like to have the doctor check my eyes and write me a prescription so I can get some new glasses."
"He can't see you today," the receptionist tells me.
"Something wrong with his eyes?" I ask with a smile.
"Why can't he see me today? Does he have temporary blindness?"
"No, he is too busy to see you."
"I've been really busy a couple of times in my life and I never noticed any difference in my sight."
"What are you talking about?" she asks.
"Impaired vision." I answer.
"Well, you are in the right place," she says.
"But not the right time it appears," I counter.
"Looks that way," she affirms.
"Will he be able to see me tomorrow then?"
"No, he can't see you tomorrow. He won't be here."
"I see." I say.
"How about the day after tomorrow? He can see you then." she asks.
"He can see into the future?"
"Is there something wrong with you?"
"Well, I am a little nearsighted," I reply.
"Do you want an appointment to see the doctor or not?"
"Yes, I would."
"How about now?"
"I think you also need to get your hearing tested," she tells me. "I already told you that he can't see you now. You need to have an appointment."
"But I do have an appointment," I tell her.
"I am here for my 11 o'clock appointment."
"You have an appointment for now?"
"Yes, that's why I am here."
"I don't see you in my appointment book," she tells me.
"The doctor can't see me and you don't see me. I feel like I am invisible."
"Did you make an appointment?"
"Now, today at 11."
"It is not in my book."
"Most occurrences in life are not in your book."
"Do you have a lunch date for today in your appointment book?" I ask.
"What? No, I do not."
"You see? That's great. I'll take you to lunch right after my appointment."
"Ok. Ok. I give up," she tells me, "No lunch date, but you can see the doctor next."
"You're sweet," I tell her.
"You're crazy," she tells me.
My prescription ends up being unchanged since my last eye examination five years ago. The doctor can also see just fine. He wants to read my books.
© Leslie Fieger. All rights reserved worldwide.
Leslie is the author of The DELFIN Knowledge System Trilogy: The Initiation, The Journey and The Quest plus many more success publications. He also the co-author of The End of the World with Hugh Jeffries and Alexandra's DragonFire with his daughter Ashley. Subscribe to his free and ad-free eZine at http://www.ProsperityParadigm.com or http://www.LeslieFieger.com
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Sometimes kids say things in innocence that are simply hilarious. Here's an assortment of selected quotations from kids.
"I'm being haive!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother told him told to behave
"I'm not an oxymoron!" -- 7 year old
"TNT." -- Given as an answer for a written spelling bee, when the teacher called the word "dynamite."
"I'm glad I'm finally eight. This is the oldest I've ever been in my entire life!" -- 8 year old son.
"I had to read and write six book reports." -- Girl, in an email to her friend, attempting to explain what she had to do over the summer. She later tried sending a correction, which read, "I had to read and write six books."
"Oh, well Mom said all I had to use was the sponge and dish detergent." -- 12 year old daughter, when her father told her he used elbow grease to get the dishes clean
"Do they look after the Pokemon?" -- City kid, when asked what a gamekeeper does.
"Why don't you get some expensive money?" -- 3 year old daughter, when told by her mother that she could get a small toy but that the ones asked for were too expensive
"I have a rock in my nose." -- 2 year old son, greeting his mother after preschool, a full hour after recess was over.
"There's no one in there." -- 6 year old son, in response to seeing his father hanging pictures and tapping on the walls to find the support beams.
"Quiet!" -- 4 year old, when asked what begins with 'M' and sounds good.
"If I was a raccoon I would eat the farmer's corpse." -- A kindergartener, writing a story about what we would do if he were a raccoon
"Well, sometimes I say something mean to my brother, but I feel really good inside. Does that mean I'm a hypocrite?" -- 7 year old girl, after a Sunday School teacher explained that a hypocrite was someone who says one thing but feels something else.
"Daddy, did your hair slip?" -- 3 year old son, to his bald but long bearded father
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it's printed on the bottom." -- 3 year old son, when his mother asked how his father knew the genders of four new baby kittens
"How will that help?" -- Kindergarten student, when the class was instructed to hold up two fingers if any of them had to go to the bathroom
"They didn't see it -- it was all cut off!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother was asked how his grandparents liked his new haircut
"Tell me when you're asleep, ok?" -- 7 year old son, overheard talking to his 5 year old brother.
"I had a fraction in my neck and had to go to the hospital for a long time." -- Fifth grader, to his class.
"Well you're old, and you're not dead." -- "3 year old son, to his father. The comment followed an explanation of why the father's grandparents weren't around anymore.
"Are you kidding me?! They go together like balogna and cheese! No, wait. More like mayonnaise and bread." -- 9 year old girl, when asked if her brother and cousin hang out a lot.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken. I'm looking for the seal." -- A young son, examining the contents of a box of Animal Crackers
"Don't kid me, Mom, I know they're my feet." -- 3 year old son, when his mother told him his shoes were on the wrong feet
"Mommy, you said it would be a shot; instead it was a needle!" -- Boy, overheard at the hospital
"How do you put make up on your mind?" -- Girl, when told she should make up her mind.
"I wish someone we knew would die so we could leave them flowers." -- 6 year old girl, upon seeing flowers in a cemetery.
"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some email." -- 4 year old girl, misquoting the Lord's Prayer
"Watch out, Daddy. Mommy's got her eye on you!" -- 4 year old girl, after hearing her mother telling her father that she'd take an I.O.U. for a promised restaurant dinner.
"I didn't look much -- I've only got little eyes!" -- 7 year old, about to be scolded for peeking at her Christmas presents.
"When you were my age, you was just a baby!" -- 5 year old.
"Why don't they just do what they did in 1899?" -- On preparing for Y2K in 1999.
"Daddy doesn't like that man, does he?" -- Daughter of John Cleese and Connie Booth, during the filming of the Black Knight scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Friday, April 4, 2008
The prefix un- can mean either a reversal of action, like unpack, or the lack of some quality, like unknown. A prime example of this is with unlearn, which means to reverse learning, and unlearned, which means the lack of learning. Sometimes in a sentence the meaning of un-made words is unclear and unsettling.
The manikins dressed in police uniforms were unarmed.
Some people think you have to be unbalanced to be a tightrope walker.
When it came to physical fitness, couch potatoes are unbecoming.
The weather forecast for today was partly unclear with a chance of rain.
Hattie Nown was uncommitted because she promised to act sane.
The call for an encore was the undoing of the finale.
What gets me about raising children is the uneasiness of it.
Scott Chtape rinsed the dirt worms so that they would be unearthly.
Some people get a tan unfairly.
Before looking at the map, the next step in the vacation was unfolding.
Nate Ivson wandered in the forest unfounded.
When it came to true-false exams Reggie Stration proceeded unquestionably.
Physical exercise can lead to unrest.
By talking backwards many things are unsaid.
Things that are not as they seem are unseemly.
At the library you get unsound advice.
Because he couldn’t carry a tune, Don Keye was an unsung hero.
Honest Abe was famous for his untold lies.
It was no surprise that nobody laughed at the toastmaster’s unwitting remarks.
By using an eraser, most rules can be unwritten.