Monday, March 31, 2008

Found in Resumes

Getting ready for the next job interview. Well, do have a quick check that you did not make any of the following slip ups in your resume!

The following quotations were taken from resumes from all over the country. With all the work and care that goes into writing these documents, it's funny, if unfortunate, when errors slip through to the final draft. Alas, such mistakes make exactly the wrong impression on exactly the wrong people.


"I have a bachelorette degree in computers."

"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."

"I worked as a Corporate Lesion."

"Served as assistant sore manager."

"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."

"Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."

"Special skills: Thyping."

"Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."

"I can play well with others."

"I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."

"Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."

"My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."

"I eat computers for lunch."

"I have used lots of software appilcations."

"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."

"Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."

"Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."

"I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis."

"I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation."

"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."

"I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food."

"Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."

"Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state."

"My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."

"I love dancing and throwing parties."

"I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."

"Special Skills: Speak English."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."

"Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."

"Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."

"Typing Speed: 756 wpm."

"Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."

"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."

"Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."

"My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."

"Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."

"Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."

"Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company."

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."

"Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30."

"Interests: I like to workout in my free time. I enjoy listening to music. I love to shopping in new places."

"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."

"Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."

"Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Puns as we move - Transport Puns

1. When you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!

2. Don't expect to eat something fancy when you're flying because it's plane food.

3. The cost of the space program is astronomical.

4. When asked by a passenger how high he would get, the pilot replied,'I don't do drugs.'

5. Traveling on a flying carpet is a rugged experience.

6. During his air test a young pilot flew through a rainbow. He passed with flying colors.

7. An astronaut broke the law of gravity and got a suspended sentence.

8. If you get sick at the airport it could be a terminal illness.

9. An astronaut who fails on a weightlessness experiment must be aware of the gravity of the situation.

10. When astronauts die they run an orbituary.

11. To become a pilot requires a good altitude.

12. An astronaut wrote about flying twice to the moon. It was double spaced

13. The astronauts said their experience on the moon was out of this world.

14. Airline pilots make many friends in high places.

15. The first time I got hold of a hang glider I had to wing it.

16. He became a sky diver out of the blue.

17. When you're wearing a watch on an airplane, time flies.

18. His model airplane hobby really took off.

19. Before an airline changes a process they have to have a pilot project to find out if the idea will fly.

20. His decision to become a pilot was up in the air.

21. To be a successful frequent flier you need a lot of connections.

22. When the plane hit turbulence, the passengers went flying.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Movie Quotes

Here are some really interesting Movie Quotes.

I always make it a point to speak gramatically. Who knows? It might become popular again.

Bette Davis.

Distortion in movies:

More and more we're learning that we can't tell a book by its movie.


A good film is when the price of the dinner, the theatre admission and the babysitter were worth it.

Alfred Hitchcock

I don't take the movies seriously, and anyone who does is in for a headache.

Bette Davis


If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

Woody Allen

Cinema is the most beautiful fraud in the world.

Jean-Luc Godard

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.

Professor Keating (Robin Williams) in 'Dead Poet's Society'

In Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns.

Fabrizio (Angelo Infanti) in 'The Godfather'


You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.

Steve Martin

I would rather entertain and hope that people learned something than educate people and hope they were entertained.

Walt Disney

My movies were the kind they show in prisons and airplanes, because nobody can leave.

Burt Reynolds

Perhaps parents would enjoy their children more if they stopped to realize that the film of childhood can never be run through for a second showing.

Evelyn Nown

Marriage is an arrangement like the block booking of motion pictures, in which a number of less desirable features must be accepted in order to obtain one or two of major attraction.

Helen P. St. Boulanger

If you can't leave in a taxi you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

Duck Soup


You can't express every feeling that you have every moment that you have them.

When Harry Met Sally


My momma always said life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.

Forrest Gump


Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence!

The Crowd

It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. Makes you wonder what eelse you can do that you've forgotten about.

Lester - American Beauty


Unfortunately, all dummies in the movies aren't thrown over the cliff.


Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Ghost Words

Some English words suggest the existence of other words, either their opposites or stem words, which are not real. These are ghost words. For example:

aghast and ghastly — How come there is no such thing as ghast?

behead — Shouldn’t it be dehead instead?

earnest — Is this what you are when you earn the most?

echo — Why isn’t it echohohoho?

eleven, twelve — Wouldn’t it make more sense if they were oneteen, twoteen?

gruesome — If its so bad, why isn’t it grueplenty?

height — Why is it width, length, and breadth but not heighth?

hijack — Would a hijill be a less violent crime?

hitchhiker — Does he become a hitchrider when he gets a ride?

holy — Does this describe Santa’s mood when he goes, “Ho, ho?”

lukewarm — Why not a matthewwarm or paulwarm?

manual — If stick-shifts are manual, are automatics womanual?

mayhem — Does aprilhem precede this and junehem follow it?

milestone — Is the metric equivalent meterstone?

monsoon — Would a monlater be as devastating?

offense — Why isn’t the opposite called onense?

pajama — We know pa and ma, but who is ja?

preempt — Is there no empt because something else always happens first?

redundancy — Is dundancy sufficient?

refrigerate — What is frigerate and why are we doing it again?

retaliation — Is this payback for something called taliation?

ruthless — How come there is no davidless?

seesaw — Why isn’t there anything on the playground called a hearheard?

shampoo — Have you ever tried real poo?

sightsee — When the deaf go on a vacation, do they soundhear?

sister — Why is it father, mother, and brother, but not sisther?

triumph — If not a triumph, perhaps a biumph, or maybe only a uniumph?

underneath — Did you ever wonder what was overneath?

window — If it has glass in it, shouldn’t it be called no-wind-ow?

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Heard in the Courts

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."


Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"


Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.


Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."


Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"

Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"


Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."

Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"


Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."


Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"


Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"


Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"


Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"


Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"


Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"


Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"


Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"


Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."


Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"


Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"


Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"


Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"


Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."


Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."


Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"


Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."


Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."


Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."


Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it.


Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."


Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."


Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"


Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."


Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."


Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."


Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"


Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"


Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."


Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."


Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."


Thursday, March 13, 2008

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Monday, March 10, 2008

High Tech can be Punny

Here are some puns relating to technology.

1. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

2. Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.

3. He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz.

4. Will this computer last five years? Obsoletely!

5. My rechargeable batteries are revolting.

6. The cat took up computer lessons in hopes of mastering its grip on a mouse.

7. It's tough to be in the computer business when the chips are down.

8. Trust your calculator. It's something to count on.

9. When I had my PlayStation stolen, my family were there to console me.

10. My computer is so slow it hertz.

11. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

12. Did you hear about the fight at a local Laundromat? A washing machine beat the crap out of a diaper.

13. Some computer equipment got shot. It was a graphic display.

14. My battery had an alkaline problem, so it went to AA meetings.

15. An online poker tournament ended suddenly when the computer cached in its chips.

16. Pocket tape recorders were invented for those who like small talk.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Found in a Church Bulletin

* "Say 'hell' to someone who doesn't like you."

* "Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur in the church."

* "Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."

* "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

* "O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation."

* "After today's service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor."

* "Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help."

* "For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."

* "The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer."

* "Children will be led in sinning and Bible study."

* "This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."

* "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."

* "There will be a baked bean supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow."

* "At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."

* "Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping."

* "Marriage: An Institution To Be Endured." -- The subject of a sermon that should have read, "An Institution To Endure."

* Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

* The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

* The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

* The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

* Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

* The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.

* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Interesting Quotes

Ogden Nash

Children aren't happy without something to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets.

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

Too clever is dumb.
William Shakespeare

Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
Henry VI

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

He that is proud eats up himself; pride is his own glass, his own trumpet, his own chronicle.

How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a weary world.

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves.

Life is a tale told by an idiot -- full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Lord, what fools these mortals be!
A Midsummer Night's Dream

Talkers are no good doers.
Henry VI

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Henry VI

Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance.
Bill Cosby

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think -- in a deeper voice

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need the advice

When you become senile, you won't know it

Old is always fifteen years from now

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing

You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any

Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it

Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first