Thursday, February 28, 2008

Cliche Excuses for when you have done something really Stupid

Done something really stupid and need an excuse, just feel free to use one of these!

I just followed my intuition

It will be good for something

I am trying to escape from something, I think that I am just not ready to face it

I am looking for something, this is my way to find it

I always do things like this

Sorry, I did not mean to hurt you

Nobody is perfect

It happens to the best

I can't change the past

Well, at least I know that I am capable of... (beating wife, getting drunk, etc.).

...but my intention was good

It is my mess, and finally I got something for myself

If nothing else, I can always serve as a bad example

I'm only human

The devil made me do it

Doing stupid things is my way of making my life interesting

Everybody has the right to make mistakes

Tomorrow, no one will remember

It seemed like a good idea at the time

The one who makes no mistakes does none of the work

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Let me read your FORTUNE (Cookie)

"You will find a bushel of money."

"Your smile will tell you what makes you feel good."

"You are going to have some new clothes."

"Your family is young, gifted and attractive."

"There is a true and sincere friendship between you both."

"The night life is for you."

"Face facts with dignity."

"You are magnetic in your bearing."

"You are free to invent your life."

"Good sense is the master of human life."

"Maybe someday we will live on the moon!"

"Don't panic."

"If you don't have time to live your life now, when will you?"

"Ignorance never settles a question."

"You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly."

"Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance."

"Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress."

"You have a potential urge and the ability for accomplishment."

"Do you believe? Endurance and persistence will be rewarded."

"Good Luck bestows upon you. You will get what your heart desires."

"Pat yourself on the back for creating an opportunity."

"It could be better, but it's good enough."

"You will find a thing. It may be important."

"The calling that has sounded will not be the lasting call."

"In youth and beauty, wisdom is rare."

"This is the year when ingenuity stands high on the list."

"The best year-round temperature is a warm heart and a cool head."

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Creative Answers to Science Questions

Have you had a problem in answering a question for your exams? Did you come up with any of these creative answers. Enjoy these Hilarious ones.

* "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

* "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

* "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

* "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

* "The largest organ in the human body is the head."

* "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, then expectoration."

* "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

* "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

* "The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."

* "Germinate means to become a naturalized German."

* "A planet is a body of Earth surrounded by sky."

* "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

* "To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in."

* "The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation."

* "Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about."

* "We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and the study of rocks."

* "English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse."

* "People shouldn't be allowed to shoot extinct animals."

* "If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence."

* "A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle."

Sunday, February 17, 2008

OVERLOAD!

Consider the use of the word “over,” as in overdose or overrun. What, then, does overcome mean? It looks like the English language has gone overboard with the word “over,” overdoing it with everything from overjoy to overkill. Let’s take an overly overdue overview of this overage.

Watch over and over…

Overview is a short presentation.

Oversight is supervision; it also means something missed.

Oversee is to supervise but does not mean to miss something.

Overlook is to miss something but also to view from above.

Moreover…

Overhear is not as respectable as oversee.

Overtake is not the opposite of undertake.

Overrun is not the speedier version of overstep.

Overhead is not the opposite of under foot.

Overhand is a way to throw, but overthrow is an overreaction to an overlord.

Overflow…

You can overcome an overdose overnight.

You can overeat with your overbite and become overweight.

You can wear an overlapped overcoat when it’s overcast overseas.

You can be overwhelmed and overawed by the overtones of an overture.

You can be overruled, overshadowed and overpowered by an overbearing overseer.

You can overstate your overtime and overplay being overworked.

You can overrate your overacting and overhaul your overdrive.

You can have a passover on an overpass and you can overturn a turnover.

But you can’t overhang a hangover or overlay a layover.

THE END - At last it is all OVER

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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

The Age

Take note of the Age in the words to find out more about human history!

message — infancy

spillage — babyhood

breakage — early childhood

blockage — middle childhood

wreckage — late childhood

roughage — early teen years

bandage — middle teen years

average — late teen years

manage — for males, 18 years old

bondage — married life

pillage — senior years

shrinkage — late senior years

postage — afterlife

So what AGE are you?

If there was a message stating that the spillage has resulted in a shrinkage of your lovely dress, how old are you?

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Monday, February 11, 2008

You heard it in a Restaurant

"Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?" -- Asked of a waitress.

"Just the chicken." -- The response a waitress gave when asked if there were any dairy products in a soup.

"Would you like cream and sugar with that?" -- Asked by a waitress when a customer specified orange juice instead of coffee as part of a breakfast meal.

"Do you want cheese on that?" -- Asked when a customer ordered a plain cheeseburger.

"You want fries with that?" -- Asked when a customer ordered an apple turnover.

"Do you want onions on that?" -- A waitress, in response to a couple ordering a milk shake and a large cola.

"Is there any meat in the veggie rolls?"

"Do you get rice with your fried rice?"

"I'm sorry, we only have six inch and foot long subs." -- A waitress, when asked for a 12 inch sub.

"Would you like to care for a cup of coffee?" -- A waitress.

"Which of these coffees did you want with cream and sugar?" -- Asked of a customer who had ordered two coffees, one with cream and sugar and one without.

"Do you want that in a bag?" -- Asked of a customer who ordered coffee to go.

"Is this for here or to go?" -- Asked of a Dairy Queen customer at a drive-through window.

"What's the difference between the 1/4 pounder and the 1/3 pounder?"

"What's the difference?" -- Asked of a waitress when asked if the customer would like breadsticks with or without cheese.

"Sir, we only have one thousand island dressing." -- A waitress, when asked for two thousand island dressings.

"How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken deal?"

"How much is the $1.99 popcorn chicken?"

"Is the honey mustard sauce sweet?"

"Is the spicy chicken just spicy or is it hot and spicy?"

"Would you like the sale price?" -- A fast food worker, asking how a customer would like to pay for his order of two special sandwiches.

"That's not an animal. It's a mammal." -- Cafeteria worker serving shrimp at a public high school.

"Does your ice cream contain dairy products?" -- A customer at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.

"Excuse me. These ham and cheese rolls -- do they have ham in them?" -- A customer at a bakery cafe.

"Don't you guys have them 99 cent Whoppers?" -- Asked of a Taco Bell cashier.

"This is to go." -- Commonly said by customers at drive-through windows.

"I'd like a large Pepsi pizza." -- A customer ordering pizza over the phone. After saying this, the customer was heard saying to someone else with him, "Wait, Chuck, is that right?"


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Saturday, February 9, 2008

Puns at Work

* He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

* The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

* Every calendar's days are numbered.

* If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler.

* He bent over to pick up a sieve and strained himself.

* In the air duct installers union they have lots of opportunity to vent.

* A guy became so good with a chainsaw that he was promoted to branch manager.

* An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle.

* After working for 24 hours straight he called it a day.

* While training to work at Coca Cola he was given a pop quiz.

* The plumber had to quit his job because it was too much of a drain.

* The optician fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

* It's true that the earth rotates, but scientists are always putting their own spin on it.

* The inept mathematician couldn't count on his friends.

* Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

* At some executive meetings there is a chairman of the bored.

* The personal trainer quit his job because it wasn't working out.

* Working as an elevator operator has its ups and downs.

* Swimming instructors are always getting immersed in their work.

* Small people are in short supply.

* Those who experiment with thin ice will achieve a breakthrough.

* Meetings - where we take minutes and waste hours.

* The hiking shop employs people from all walks of life.

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Thursday, February 7, 2008

Excuse my Child

When a student is late or absent from school, a letter from the parents must be supplied for the absence to be excused. Sometimes such letters suggest that the parents were excused from school too many times in their own youth.

"My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."

"Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."

"Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."

"Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating."

"Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."

"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."

"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."

"Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins."

"Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side."

"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."

"Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak."

"Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."

"Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault."

"Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."

"Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."

"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines."

"Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well."

"Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."

"Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover."

"Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor."

"Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."


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Monday, February 4, 2008

Oxyidiots

Some words contain oxymora within themselves—like “she” which has a “he” embedded in it. Because the oxymoron is self-contained, these words are called oxyidiots.

Enjoy these funny examples:

* If you have none, look closely and you’ll find one.

* It would be odd if seven were even.

* Her tears told him her fears were fact, not act.

* You would think there was no harm in charm, but there is.

* One minute the goose was flying high, the next it was lying low.

* The word is mightier than the sword, except in battle.

* Whatever it is, ours is better than yours.

* The bigger the onus, the better the bonus.

* A dessert is heaven, a desert is hell, unless you’re a cactus.

* Begin with a particle, then add to it until you have an article.

* In a word, there is more to women than men.

* You get more with the whole than with the hole.

Dropping the first letter or two of a word is not the only way of forming oxyidiots. Internal letters can be discarded, as long as the remaining letters are in sequence.

* Stay and be happy; stray and be happier.

* There’s more to animosity than amity.

* The gullible gather round the glib.

* Being curt is easier than courteous, but lonelier.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Er-rant Words

We all know a farmer farms, runner runs and baker bakes. So…

* why doesn’t a butcher butch and an archer arch?

* if you crack a cracker, aren’t you the cracker?

* aren’t you the zipper when you zip a zipper?

* is your broker more broke than you?

* do big numbers make you numb?

* why don’t hammers ham and pliers ply?

* if you work in an office, doesn’t that make you an officer?

* is a peer someone who urinates?

* shouldn’t someone attending be called an attender instead of an attendee?

* how strange is a stranger?

* what does a teller tell?

* when you wait for a waiter, aren’t you the waiter?