Friday, January 4, 2008

Steven Wright's One - liners

First a bit about who is Steven Wright.

Quoted from Wikipedia - Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an Academy Award-winning American stand-up comedian, actor, and writer from Burlington, Massachusetts. He is known for his slow, deadpan, monotone delivery of ironic, witty, deeply philosophical and sometimes confusing jokes and one-liners with overly contrived situations.

So, here are some of his ironic, witty and truly funny one -liners.

1. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

2. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

3. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

4. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.

5. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

6. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

7. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

9. I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

10. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

11. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

12. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

13. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

14. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

15. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

16. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

17. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

18. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

20. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

21. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

22. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

23. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

24. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

25. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

26. I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare

27. I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

28. In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

29. I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically

30. When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.


bisdakbabbles said...

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. --> I love this one! ^-^

displayname said...

Another one-
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. Perhaps you've seen it- it's spread out over the world's beaches.