Monday, January 28, 2008

Teething Problems - Puns about Dentist

* I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.

* Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.

* A dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* They called him the king of the dentists because he specialized in crowns.

* A dentist gets on everybody's nerves.

* Dentists have their own flossify on how to keep teeth clean.

* Dentists practice by going through many drills.

* Going to the dentist can be very full filling.

* Dentists have the same old grind day after day.

* There was a dentist who was convicted of incisor trading.

* A dentist has to tell a patient the whole tooth.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Accident Reports can be SOOOOO funny

Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the accident happened. The combination of the finger pointing instinct and the small spaces provided on the forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations. Here are some of my favourite Hilarious ones. Enjoy !

* A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

* Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have

* No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.

* The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

* I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

* I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before.

* The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

* The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.

* I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows

* I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision.

* I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

* I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

* I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

* To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

* I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

* In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

* My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

* As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

* The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

* A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face.

* The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

* An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Puns in Crime

* A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

* A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

* Prison walls are never built to scale.

* They tried to keep a locksmith in prison, but the nut bolted.

* The two guys caught drinking battery acid will soon be charged.

* While stealing from a blood bank, the thief was caught red handed.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* A nut named Hazel held up a bank saying 'give me all the cashew have'.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A librarian caught stealing had the book thrown at her and was put in a three storey jail.

* When a thief stole several volumes from the library he was quickly booked.

* Employed by his jailbird father-in-law a guy soon realized that when an inlaw works for an outlaw -- income depends on outcome.

* The case against a donut thief was full of holes.

* Convicts are committed people.

* The warden gave the inmates acne medicine hoping it would keep them from breaking out.

* A lingerie thief gave a police officer the slip.

* He threw jello at his wife, who had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.

* Stolen eggs are poached.

* Vandals destroyed many road signs. They really pulled out all the stops.

* The hostage said he couldn't stay on the phone long because he was tied up at the moment.

* In jail convicts use cell phones.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Pun-ishing Adjectives

“I’d like to make a toast,” Tom said warmly. This is an adverb pun and is called a Tom Swiftly as a ridicule of the writing style found in the old Tom Swift adventure books. A variation of the Tom Swiftly is the pun-ishing adjectives. Here’s a sampling.

1. When Willy Nilly joined the track team, he was considered a dashing young man.

2. When Minnie Mumm stuffed a baloney sandwich in her mouth, she looked gorgeous.

3. As inmates miles apart, Eb and Flo could only enjoy a phoney relationship.

4. At nudist camps, people are barely comfortable.

5. Strange women often slapped Doc Trin because of his lustrous looks.

6. Rusty Steele found the jail bars a bit too ironic.

7. The Bumsteads had a petty argument over Daisy the dog.

8. Igor Beever found chasing patients around the sanitarium a rewarding job.

9. There was a man from Limerick who disliked diversified poetry.

10. During elections, candidates rely on pollution results.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Educational Puns

1. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

2. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

3. He said I was average - but he was just being mean.

4. When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.

5. He wears glasses during math because it improves divison.

6. Math teachers have lots of problems.

7. It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it.

8. What did the triangle say to the circle? You're so pointless.

9. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

10. Skipping school to bungee jump will get you suspended.

11. Studying fungus is a way to mold young minds.

12. Eating too many snacks when studying for a test is called cramming.

13. His qualifications as a math teacher didn't add up.

14. I met a math professor who has 12 children - she really knows how to multiply.

15. A not-very-good art teacher was good only at drawing blank faces.

16. When you use glue in class it paste to be careful.

17. The math teacher was an exponent of his own powers.

18. He dressed poorly in grade eight. The next year he dressed to the nines.

19. The sign language teacher was very good with her hands.

20. English teachers can keep a class Spell bound.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Answers to Bundle Words Puzzle

So, how many of the bundle words could you figure out.
Well, here are the answers:

1. adamant — the first insect

2. adverse — product jingle

3. automating — car romancing

4. barbell — saloon alarm

5. castaway — actors’ strike

6. departmentally — go crazy

7. divergent — scuba man

8. forbid — on auction

9. headlines — face wrinkles

10. headquarters — coins without tails

11. lavatory — volcanic British politician

12. meanwhile — cruel times

13. nightmare — dark horse

14. otherwise — uniquely smart

15. pastoral — beyond talking

16. pungent — someone who thinks he’s witty

17. restoration — lecture that puts you to sleep

18. shamrock — fake diamond

19. stockade — Wall Street refreshment

20. warrant — battle cry

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Bundle of words

Some words are bundles of two or more words, like can-did or a-bun-dance, and are called charades. These individual words have a meaning by themselves. Of course, the components usually suggest a definition very different from the whole word’s real meaning, so they are called a bundle word.

So, if abundance is a bread boogie, can you match these bundle words?

|beyond talking | fake diamond| cruel times |

| on auction | go crazy | product jingle |

| saloon alarm | coins without tails | battle cry |

| car romancing | scuba man | the first insect |

| volcanic British politician | face wrinkles |

| lecture that puts you to sleep| dark horse |

| Wall Street refreshment | uniquely smart |

| someone who thinks he’s witty | actors’ strike |

1. adamant

2. adverse

3. automating

4. barbell

5. castaway

6. departmentally

7. divergent

8. forbid

9. headlines

10. headquarters

11. lavatory

12. meanwhile

13. nightmare

14. otherwise

15. pastoral

16. pungent

17. restoration

18. shamrock

19. stockade

20. warrant

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Funny Names Unless One of Them is Yours

Have you thought about how parents choose a child's name. Gene or Ginger are great name unless of course Gene's surname happens to be Poole or Ginger's Snap.

So, if you are a parent, please don't be cruel to your kids. Say out the entire name loudly, that is, first and surname in front of a crowd of people, and if no one sniggers or laughs out than you know you got a Great Name.

Here's a list of funny name.

Alba Tross

Alec Tricity

Ali Mooney

Ann Teak

Anne Chovie

Annie Mayshun

April Raines

Art Deco

Artie Fishel

Barry A. Bone

Bart Ender

Bea Fuddle

Candice B. Love

Candy Barre

Chris Cross

Clair Voyant

Crystal Ball

Daisy Chain

Dale E. Bredd

Dan Druff

Deb O'Nair

Di Rhea

Diane B. Berried

Dick Tate

Dot Matrix

Ella Fant

Elle O'Kwent

Ellie Mentary

Emma Nent

Faith Full

Fanci Free

Fay King

Faye Tallity

Hedy Stuff

Herb E. Vore

Holly Wood

Honey Suckel

Hope Leslie

Horace Cope

Ivan Itch

Ivy Leag

Izzy Kidding

Jay Walker

Jo Kerr

Joe King

Justin Case

Kathy Drull

Katy Didd

Kaye Neine

Kit Chen

Kitty Katt

Lauren Order

Lee King

Leo Tard

Lotta Cash

Lou Tennant

Mandy Tory

Manuel Labor

Marion Formony

Mark Etting

Max E. Mize

May O'Naize

Nat Chural

Neal Downe

Nick Oteen

Nicole Odian

Norma Lee

Ollie Baba

Omar Gosh

Peri Skope

Perry Winkle

Polly Esther

Rich N. Faimus

Rick Shaw

Rosie Cheeks

Roy L. Paine

Rudy Mentary

Ruth Leslie

Sara Mony

Saul E. Tare

Scott Frei

Stu Piddity

Sue Shi

Tad Pole

Tess Tickle

Tex Tyle

Theo Retical

Tim Burr

Tom Foolery

Ty Tannic

Val Ubull

Van Illa

Vanna Tea

Vic Tory

Vince Ibble

Wes Tindies

Will Power

Willie Everlearn

Willy Nilly

Friday, January 4, 2008

Steven Wright's One - liners

First a bit about who is Steven Wright.

Quoted from Wikipedia - Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an Academy Award-winning American stand-up comedian, actor, and writer from Burlington, Massachusetts. He is known for his slow, deadpan, monotone delivery of ironic, witty, deeply philosophical and sometimes confusing jokes and one-liners with overly contrived situations.

So, here are some of his ironic, witty and truly funny one -liners.

1. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

2. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

3. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

4. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.

5. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

6. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

7. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

9. I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

10. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

11. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

12. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

13. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

14. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

15. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

16. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

17. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

18. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

20. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

21. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

22. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

23. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

24. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

25. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

26. I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare

27. I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

28. In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

29. I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically

30. When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

We got Married

Its always fun and funny to imagine the new name that arises when someone marries. Here are some real funny ones.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.