Sunday, December 30, 2007

Crazy English

I love English and I know I am sane. Since English is crazy and I love to use it, am I sane or insane?

Let’s face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day an cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

Now I know why I flunked my English. It’s not my fault; the silly language doesn’t quite know whether it’s coming or going.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Puzzle Answers to Do I fit the Job Description

For those of you who couldn't figure it out.

Here are the answers.

1. a car body shop worker is a DENTIST

2. the manager of a political candidate is an ELECTRICIAN

3. a trampoline artist is a BOUNCER

4. an expert on hemorrhoids is a ANALYST

5. a cemetery worker is an ENGRAVER

6. a cab driver who gets under your skin is a TAXIDERMIST

7. one who shrinks from his responsibilities is a CONTRACTOR

8. a parking lot attendant is a CARPENTER

9. seller of fruits and vegetables is a PRODUCER

10. one who can’t be a secretary is a TELLER

11. someone who makes pointed remarks is a BARBER

12. a college graduate is a DIPLOMAT

13. someone who won’t share is a MINER

14. the head of a crime syndicate is a VICE-PRESIDENT

15. one who does not spread gossip is a SECRETARY

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Do I fit the Job description?

Can you match the jobs?

I will give you a hint. A sidewalk engineer is a Pathologist

Select the correct answer from the table below:

1. a car body shop worker

2. the manager of a political candidate

3. a trampoline artist

4. an expert on hemorrhoids

5. a cemetery worker

6. a cab driver who gets under your skin

7. one who shrinks from his responsibilities

8. a parking lot attendant

9. seller of fruits and vegetables

10. one who can’t be a secretary

11. someone who makes pointed remarks

12. a college graduate

13. someone who won’t share

14. the head of a crime syndicate

15. one who does not spread gossip
P.S For those of you who couldn't figure out MINER,

oops I made a mistake of typing a casino black jack dealer instead

of someone who won’t share.

The answer for a casino black jack dealer is A CARDIOLOGIST

Saturday, December 22, 2007

DISturbingly DIStorted English

English is so versertile and can be Disjointed in many ways to create lots of Puns & Fun.

Have you heard about the…

…disappointed chairman?

…disbanded rock group?

…discarded communist?

…discharged cavalry?

…disconcerted orchestra leader?

…discounted blessings?

…discouraged hero?

…discredited shopper?

…discussed blasphemer?

…disenchanted witch?

…disfigured mathematician?

…disillusioned magician?

…disjointed marijuana smoker?

…dismantled moose head?

…dismembered committee?

…disoriented Chinese?

…dispatched trousers?

…displayed stage manager?

…disposed model?

…dissolved equation?

…distilled cash?

…distrusted banker?

Friday, December 14, 2007

Sighted Around the World

If you know more than 1 language, rather if you know other languages as well as English, and tried to literally translate from 1 language into another, it could turn out to be a diasaster ( or lots of fun! )

IF I were to translate "Give me some water" from Tamil to English, it would end up as "Me some water give"

When someone is not well versed in English, then there is room for lots of blunders.

Here is a list of signs in English that were "Sighted" around the world.

1. In a Tokyo hotel:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

2. In a hotel in Athens:

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

3. In a Yugoslav hotel:

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

4. In a Japanese hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

5. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Monastery:

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

6. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

7. On the menu of a Polish hotel:

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

8. Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

9. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

10. At a Bangkok dry cleaners:

Drop your trousers here for best results.

11. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

12. In a Rome laundry:

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

13. At an Acapulco hotel:

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

14. A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

15. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Wonder Phrases

Like any language, English has a lot of idiom-phrases that don’t make grammatical sense. But that’s no excuse not to laugh at them.

Is it a bargain if you buy a violin, no strings attached?

If you’re on a low carb diet, aren’t you going against the grain?

Is it the crack of dawn that causes daybreak?

Will you find cell phones in prison?

Is bar hopping a joint venture?

Would being woke up by an earthquake be a moving experience?

How come you have to write down something to write up something?

When people say “God speed,” how fast is that?

How much money do you save when you receive a free gift?

If you stretch the truth do you a get a tall tale?

If a race is neck and neck, would that mean it’s a necktie?

How come you have to fill in a form to fill out a form?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same?

Why do they call it rush hour when traffic moves the slowest?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Does alphabet soup ever spell trouble?

Can you take a crash course in flying?

How come noses run and feet smell?

Why do people sit down during the day and sit up late at night?

If you float an idea, how long before it sinks in?

Do politicians who sling mud loose ground?

When you stick your neck out, how do you stick it back in?

If you make ends meet, aren’t you just going around in circles?

Do people who skydive ever think they are jumping to conclusions?

If you saw someone who was two-faced, wouldn’t you do a double take?

If marriage is a two-way street, aren’t head-on collisions inevitable?

If you pull strings to get ahead, won’t your scheme unravel?

Are you sound asleep when you snore?

Why do they leave out the letter b on “Garage Sale” signs? (garbage)

If you eat your hat and swallow your pride, why do you end up with egg on your face?

Does your pet peeve know any tricks?

How come the bride never marries the best man?

Is a will a dead giveaway?

If a thief falls into wet cement, does he become a hardened criminal?

Aren’t a calendar's days are numbered?

Isn't a boiled egg is hard to beat?

Monday, December 10, 2007

Ain't heard anythin yet!

Sayings have a way of changing over time. I came across a site dealing with how Americans used to speak and what's it amounts to now. Here are some of them - dealing with emotions!

THEY SAID: Bummed as a fiddlestick!

WE SAY: Really bored!
THEY SAID: Cuttin' up.

WE SAY: Joking around.
THEY SAID: Don't get your dander up (upstate PA)

WE SAY: Don't get mad.
THEY SAID: Don't get your knickers in a twist.

WE SAY: Don't get upset about it.
THEY SAID: Happy as a clam suckin sand!

WE SAY: I'm happy.
THEY SAID: He is pulling your leg

WE SAY: He is teasing you
THEY SAID: I could chew nails, and fart tacks.

WE SAY: Extremely agitated.
THEY SAID: I raised Hell and put a chunk under it!

WE SAY: I was quite angry
THEY SAID: I won't sleep more than 10 hours worryin' about it.

WE SAY: I don't care
THEY SAID: If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

WE SAY: Get serious.
THEY SAID: I'll kick your ass in to next week

WE SAY: You're in trouble!
THEY SAID: I'm about to cloud up and rain all over you!

WE SAY: Look out! You are making me mad!
THEY SAID: I'm as mad as spit on a griddle.

WE SAY: I'm extremely angry.
THEY SAID: I'm so mad I could spit tacks!

WE SAY: I'm very angry.
THEY SAID: Keep your britches on.

WE SAY: Be patient.
THEY SAID: Keep your shirt on!

WE SAY: Don't get so excited!
THEY SAID: She split her seams.

WE SAY: She laughed hard (a lot).
THEY SAID: She wears her heart on her sleeve.

WE SAY: She gets her feelings hurt too easily.
THEY SAID: Simmer down

WE SAY: Calm down
THEY SAID: Snug as a bug in a rug!

WE SAY: I'm comfortable.
THEY SAID: That tickles my funny bone!

WE SAY: That makes me laugh!
THEY SAID: That's enough to gag a maggot

WE SAY: That's really disgusting or awful.
THEY SAID: That's enough to puke a buzzard.

WE SAY: Really disgusting
THEY SAID: That's slicker'n snot on a glass door knob

WE SAY: That is really fantastic
THEY SAID: You're breathing a scab on your nose

WE SAY: You're asking for a fight.

P.S. Can you imagine saying "I won't sleep more than 10 hours worryin' about it." to anyone.
Ain't these verses are really cute?

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

How to a rob bank - a surefire way to get caught

This article is part of How2Blogger’s Super Sexy Holiday ‘How To’ Contest which you can see at How2Blogger’s ‘How To’ site.

1. While robbing the bank, call Taxi services and state your home address so that they will know where to drop you!

2. So as not to deal with the cumbersome cash involved, give the bank clerk your account number and ask for the funds to be transferred to your account!

3. Bring a gun to rob the bank. Then your friend calls you to inform you that the gun you had bought along is a dummy. You then scream into the phone "You idiot, didn't I tell you I'm gonna rob the bank today, why did you give me the dummy gun".

4. Wear a false nose and mustache mask to disguise your face, then sneeze away so that the mask falls off.

5. Rob the bank together with your partner. Then quarrel over who gets to hold the bigger bag until the bank staff is able to press the alarm button!

6. While your partner is getting the money from the bank staff, you flirt with a really pretty customer and give her your phone number ( Just in front of the bank's camera!)

7. You hand over a note written in a special stationery paper (Paid by your Credit Card no less) stating "This is a Bank Robbery, Give me all the money" No you're not too dumb! It's not handwritten by you. You ask your 4 year old child to do it. - No way they can figure out whose handwriting it is right?

Well if you have any more Bright ideas, do share them with me!!!

Sunday, December 2, 2007

How to double your money - an humorous outlook

This article is part of How2Blogger’s Super Sexy Holiday ‘How To’ Contest which you can see at How2Blogger’s ‘How To’ site.

1. Get a Thousand Dollar note ( If one is unable, you can use a Hundred dollar bill instead) then fold it over itself.

2. Find Midas and ask him to touch the coins in your piggy bank ( Please wear gloves when you hadle Midas Touch)

3. Open an Excel document. Type "Money" into the first cell. Copy and Paste into other cells.

4. When you have completed the whole Excell page with "Money", Print out as many copies as you wish.

5. Get some cheap bottles and fill it with tap water. Sell them as the water from "The Foutain of Youth".

6. Use a colour copier to copy the Thousand dollar note and print as many copies as you wish (AT YOUR OWN RISK)

p.s. please inform me before you attempt so that I can
withdraw all my funds first. THANKS

8. Start your own e-mail scam. Be as inventive as possible as we've
seen too many to fall for it