Friday, November 30, 2007

Job Jokes

A good teacher has class.

The professional farmer excels in his/her field.

An incompetent chef can dessert his patrons.

A good cook knows how to dish it out.

An army cook can make a mess.

Accountants appreciate a good figure.

Smart electricians are up on current affairs

A cement worker has concrete ideas.

Sleeping plumbers have pipe dreams.

Inventors are patently smart.

Your dentist knows the drill.

A good rancher has a herd mentality.

Gamblers are a dicey lot.

A photographer’s skill is developing.

A good artist can draw a crowd.

A roofer on the job is above it all.

Usually violinists just string along.

Lazy bakers loaf on the job.

Undertakers face stiff competition.

A nude model barely makes a living.

State troopers know just the ticket.

A ballerina can leap to conclusions.

Most psychiatrists should be committed.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Wonderful English - Paradoxical Definitions

1. Isn’t it fruitless to eat your vegetables?

2. What are you vacating when you go on vacation?

3. Can you enjoy a party fully?

4. In the navy, is a portly person left-handed?

5. At sundown wouldn’t you expect nightrise instead of nightfall?

6. Isn’t kidnapping normal in kindergartens?

7. Can lay people be upstanding citizens?

8. How come lipstick doesn’t do what it says?

9. If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

11. Didn’t rearing children once have something to do with spanking their butts?

12. If you pull the wings off a fly, does it become a walk?

13. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

14. How do you get off a non-stop flight?

15. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

16. How come people recite at a play and play at a recital?

17. Why are goods sent by ship called cargo and those sent by truck shipment?

18. In a stadium, why do they call a place where you sit the stands?

19. Would you rather have your bank account frozen, liquidated, or evaporated?

20. What does it mean when the odds are even against you?

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Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Antagonyms

Antagonyms - this is similar to oxymoron. Rather than two contradicting words the author uses one word that has two contradicting meaning. For eg. Bound: Moving ("I was bound for Chicago") vs. Unable to move ("I was bound to a post", or less literally, "I was bound to my desk"). Here are some other Antagonyms - can you think of any others?

1. Assume: To actually have (To assume office) vs. To hope to have ("He assumed he would be elected.")

2. Buckle: to hold together (e.g. buckle your belt) vs. to fall apart (e.g., buckle under pressure)

3. Cite, Citation: For doing good (such as military gallantry) vs. for doing bad (such as from a traffic policeman)

4. Cut: get in (as in line or queue) vs. get out (as in a school class)

5. Fast: Moving rapidly vs. Unable to move ("I was held fast to my bed.")

6. Hysterical: Being overwhelmed with fear [in some cases] vs. Being funny

7. Left: To remain vs. to have gone (Of all who came, only Fred's left. [Does it mean he's the only one who still remains or that he's the first to depart?)

8. Practiced: Experienced, expert (I am practiced in my work) vs. Inexperienced effort (The child practiced coloring.)

9. Reservation: what you make when you know where you want to go vs. what you have when you're not sure if you want to go

10. Sanction: Support for an action (They sanctioned our efforts.) vs. A penalty for an action (The Congressman was sanctioned for inappropriate behavior.)

11. Strike out: An ending, as in "The batter struck out." vs. A beginning, as in "I thought it was time to strike out on my own."

12. Trim: To add things to (trim a Christmas tree) vs. or take pieces off (trim hair)

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Monday, November 26, 2007

Anagram Genius - More wordplay fun

Did you know that rearranging the letters of "George Bush" gives "He bugs Gore", "Madonna Louise Ciccone" gives "Occasional nude income" and "William Shakespeare", "I am a weakish speller"??!

Well, I came across this great website that deals with Anagram. It's free and I had lots of fun putting in my name and names of my friends and relatives, famous people and phrases. Here is the result. Hope you have fun too. (By the way, you should check out this site too. Anagram Genius

'Hillary Clinton' anagrams to 'Only I can thrill.'

'Davincci code' anagrams to 'Civic, odd acne.'

'Mary had a little lamb' anagrams to 'Lethally maim bad rat.'

'Superman' anagrams to 'Sane rump.'

'Wonderwomen' anagrams to 'Now need worm.'

'Power Puff Girls' anagrams to 'Grew or up spliff.'

'Charles Dickens' anagrams to 'He's slick dancer.'

'Marilyn Manroe' anagrams to 'On merry animal.'

'Elvis Presley' anagrams to 'Lively sprees.'

'Click here' anagrams to 'Check! Riel.'

'Dashboard' anagrams to 'Dad abhors.'

'To be or not to be' anagrams to 'Boo onto better.'

'Merry Christmas' anagrams to 'Smarmy retch, sir?'

'The wedding march' anagrams to 'Might dead wrench.'

'late for the wedding ' anagrams to 'Delighted after now.'

'Old Macdonald' anagrams to 'Modal and cold.'

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Saturday, November 24, 2007

Occupational Names - Fun with English

Have you ever come across a name and thought to yourself that this person should be working in this job, for example Shouldn't Robin Hood be a salesman in Clothes Retail. Well here are some great and funny ones. HAHAHA.....

Optometrist -- Seymore Clearly
Insurance Salesman -- Justin Case
Insurance Adjuster -- Carlos N. Toto
Ballerina (dressing) -- Donna Tutu
Inept lion tamer -- Claude Severely
Petty thief -- Robin Steele.
Microsurgeon -- Lance Boyle.
Proctologist -- Seymore Butts.
Phys Ed teacher -- Jim Schorts.
Guy who uses mild epithets -- Evan Stubetzy.
Darth Vader's sister -- Ella.
Rancher's wife -- Barb Dwyer.
The writer of a very thick novel -- Warren Peace.

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Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Chinese Phrase ... English Translation

Ai Bang Mai Ne ... I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat ... You need a face lift
Dum Gai ... A stupid person
Gun Pao Der ... An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung ... Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding ... We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
Jan Ne Kaw Sun ... A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia ... Approach me
Lao Ze Sho ... Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi ... Not very good
Lin Ching ... An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding ... A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn ... A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai ... A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be ... A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne ... A small horse
Ten Ding Ba ... Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung ... A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan ... Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah ... Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim ... Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting ... There is no reason to raise your voice

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Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Collective Nouns - an Humorous Outlook

We've heard of a pride of lions or even a conspiracy of ravens. Well check out the following and have some laughs :)

1. a hassle of errands,
2. a magnum of hit-men,
3. a shortage of dwarfs,
4. a quarrel of lawyers,
5. a minuscule of sub-atomic particles.
6. a treachery of spies.
7. a mixture of pharmacists.
8. a clutch of mechanics.
9. a sulk of teenagers.
10. a 404 of lost web pages.
11. an enterprise of trekkies.
12. A pinch of shoplifters.
13. a plunder of goons.
14. an encroachment of fence-builders.
15. a thrombosis of heart specialists.
16. an incantation of witches/wizards/warlocks.
17. A flight of runaway brides.
18. an assassination of gangsters.
19. a brace of orthodontists.
20. A contingent of understudies.

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Friday, November 9, 2007

Double Trouble - A Rhyming Game

The other day, I challenged my daughter Sabrina (Who is eleven years old) to a rhyming game. Who can think of the most double words that rhyme yet make sense. The other rules - 1) The beginning sound of both words cannot be the same eg. Hair hare(X), Share hare.
2) The ending of the words not only sound alike but must be spelled alike too eg. plane brain (X), plain brain. 3) The two words joined together must make sense.

Well, here is the list. How many more can you think of?

1) Double Trouble
2) Bubble Trouble
3) Bare Mare
4) Bare Hare
5) Yellow Pillow
6) Pink Link
7) Weak Leak
8) Take Rake
9) Pack Snack
10) Brown Gown
11) Fun Run
12) Snare Hare
13) Pure Cure
14) Hub Club
15) Skip Trip
16) Fire Hire
17) Thin Bin
18) Few Dew
19) Flower Power
20) Hover Over
21) Thick Stick
22) Small Ball
23) Mall Hall
24) Toy Boy
25) Tall Wall
26) Rare Stare
27) Steal Meal
28) More Store
29) Main Pain
30) Hate Fate
31) Heat Meat
32) Bring Thing

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