Wednesday, October 31, 2007

More Jokes

Here are more jokes that makes use of puns. My favourite is the one about the frog and the cat. Which is your favourite?

What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes? You can't venom all.

What did the mother say to her kids when she came home to find the sink piled high? Dishes a real mess!

What did the religious owner of a pest control company tell his workers he sent them off to their assignments each day? “Brothers and sisters, let us spray.”

What did the toy store sign say? Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.

What Disney movie is about a gal who couldn't rise above a housecleaning position? The Little Mere Maid

What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend? Dumb Beau

What Disney movie is about the tall-tale-telling champ? The Lyin' King

What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.

What happened to the woman with ten children? She went stork raving mad.

What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.

What is a mouse's favorite game? Hide and Squeak

What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail? Wherewolf

What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin? One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.

What is the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.

What is the difference between a knight and Santa's reindeer? One slays the dragon and the other is draggin' the sleigh.

What is the difference between a miser and a canary? One's a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.

What is the difference between a unicorn and lettuce? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.

What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer? One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.

What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

What is the religion of a woman who had a sex-change operation. A HeThen

What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady"

What would you get if you crossed a bat with a lonely hearts club? Lots of blind dates.

What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl? A smart ass which knows it all.

What would you get if you crossed a mole with a porcupine? A tunnel that leaks.

What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.

What would you get if you crossed a pigeon and a general? A military coo.

What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge? A shock absorber.

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.

When I saw a lorry load of tortoises crash into a train load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

When Mr. Sip's wife steps into the rest room, does Mississippi?

When NASA puts 20 head of cattle into outer space, it will be the first herd shot around the world.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

When the cops raided the strip joint, who did they arrest every bawdy?

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Whenever I hear Pavlov's name, it rings a bell.

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.

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Thursday, October 25, 2007

I Tried to Jokes- Occupational Puns

Here are some puns that deals with the numerous jobs and how they were unable to perform it (using puns). My favourite is about the fisherman, what's yours?

I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded
I used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.
I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.
I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.
I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.
I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.
I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.
I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.

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Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Poems about the Environment

On October 15th, bloggers around the web will unite to put a single important issue on everyone’s mind - the environment. Every blogger will post about the environment in their own way and relating to their own topic. Our aim is to get everyone talking towards a better future.

Although I'm a day late, I thought "Better late than never".
Here are some poems about the Environment.

The World by K. E Boulding
"The world is finite, resources are scarce,
Things are bad and will be worse,
Coal is burned and gas exploded,
Forests out and soil eroded,
Wells are dry and air polluted,
Dust is blowing, trees are uprooted,
Oil is going, ores depleted,
Drains receive what is excreted,
Land is sinking, seas are rising,
Man is far too enterprising,
Fires will rage with man to fan it,
Soon we will have a plundered planet."

The Future by Pachamama
What does the future hold for us?
Smog filled skies and poison cars,
And broken land with useless dust
And nature’s beauty behind bars.

Can I ever show my children,
(If they ever come my way)
The beauty of a sunset
At the ending of the day?

Can I walk into a forest,
And surround myself with trees,
Yet know that it will remain,
For me to visit as I please.

I know that I can today
Do all the things I’ve said,
But when today is yesterday,
Will all these things be dead?

This problem is enormous
As we gradually take heed,
So we must fix it quickly,
Using words and thoughts and deeds."

Game's End by Greta Akili
Nature no secrets she has-
Man and his technology
With his inventions to kill
Another spices extinct.
For I was alone- hunted till death
Earth's creatures, open for invasion
Laws defiled -Speed and scent
Their weapons to escape
But with a frightening feeling
She no longer exists
My little ones will starve
No visions, they continue to invade
Are they never to learn?

Wetlands by Greta Akili
O' Wetlands! How I mourn for you,
Death is close at hand,
I am called many names,
Estuarine, mangrove swamp, marsh, bottomlands
And surrounded by mangrove forests,
With oysters stuck to my roots,
Fishes live and depend on me, to feed spawn and grow,
Crabs have homes, tunnels of holes around me,
Turtles pay a visit every year to lay,
And birds of green, little blue and yellow night herons
Reflect upon me.

I also help to protect you, I take in carbon and
Release oxygen for you to breathe
I function like a strainer and a sieve to filter pollutants
From the sea, making it safe for you to swim
I hear two thousand a new millennium
Will I be here for my eco-system and other sisters to survive and flourish?
I am now threatened. I have been cut I am bleeding
Garbage is dumped in and around me I cannot breathe
Filth- Sewage flows into me- I will become sick

Development hotels and airports are building around us
We are dying. Who are the powers that be? Does anyone care?
Will we be saved? Is it already too late?
I hope that we can be saved,
Because in saving us the benefits and gains are so rich,
That we can become millionaires together with MOTHER EARTH

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Monday, October 8, 2007

Be Specific

Here's a Poem by Mauree Applegate that's full of descriptions and funny.

Don't say you saw a bird: you saw a swallow,
Or a great horned owl, a hawk, or oriole.
Don't just tell me that he flew;
That's what any bird can do;
Say he darted, circled, swooped or lifted in the blue.

Don't say the sky behind the bird was pretty;
It was watermelon pink streaked through with gold;
Gold bubbled like a fountain
From a pepperminted mountain
And shone like Persian rugs when they are old.
Don't tell me that the air was sweet with fragrance;
Say it smelled of minted grass and lilac bloom;

Don't say your heart was swinging;
Name the tune that it was singing,
And how the moonlight's neon filled the room.

Don't say the evening creatures all were playing;
Mention tree toad's twanging, screeching fiddle notes,
Picture cricket's constant strumming
To the mass mosquitoes humming
While the frogs are singing bass deep in their throats.

Don't use a word that's good for all the senses
There's a word for every feeling one can feel.
If you want your lines to be terrific;
Then do make your words specific,
For words can paint a picture that's real.

The Hunger Site

The Child Health Site

Oceana: Protecting the World's Oceans

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Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Tongue Twisters

Here are some really challenging twisters for you to try out. Have fun!

1. A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk,
but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.

2. Betty Botter had some butter,
"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
it would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter--
that would make my batter better."

So she bought a bit of butter,
better than her bitter butter,
and she baked it in her batter,
and the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter
bought a bit of better butter.

3. A Tudor who tooted a flute
tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to their tutor,
"Is it harder to toot
or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

4. A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

5. Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw!

6. I cannot bear to see a bear
Bear down upon a hare.
When bare of hair he strips the hare,
Right there I cry, "Forbear!"

7. I need not your needles, they're needless to me;
For kneading of noodles, 'twere needless, you see;
But did my neat knickers but need to be kneed,
I then should have need of your needles indeed.

8. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,
and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would
if a woodchuck could chuck wood

9. Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep.
The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed
shilly-shallied south.
These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack;
sheep should sleep in a shed.

10. Once upon a barren moor
There dwelt a bear, also a boar.
The bear could not bear the boar.
The boar thought the bear a bore.
At last the bear could bear no more
Of that boar that bored him on the moor,
And so one morn he bored the boar--
That boar will bore the bear no more.
Thanks to cube for this additional Tongue Twister

I'm not the fig plucker.
I'm not the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
'till the fig plucker comes.

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