Monday, September 24, 2007

Dismissals - Occupational Puns

When people lose their jobs they may be dismissed, sacked, fired or kicked out; they may be out on their ear or on their neck; they may be shown the door; or they may be given their cards, their marching orders, the push, the elbow, the old heave-ho or the order of the boot.

Some professions, however, have their own individual terminology for this situation: a clergyman may be defrocked, a lawyer disbarred, an army officer cashiered.

Why should not people in other walks of life also have their own terms for dismissal? Thus:

An office-worker could be defiled.
A salesman could be disordered.
A writer could be described.
A journalist could be depressed.
A botanist could be deflowered.
A wine merchant could be deported.
A traffic warden could be defined.
A cashier could be distilled.
A poet could be diversified.
A celebrity could be defamed.
A cricketer could be detested.
A climber could be dismounted.
A jailer could be excelled.
A policeman could be unwarranted.
A judge could be dishonored.
A bishop could be disgraced.
A model could be deposed.
A neurologist could be unnerved.
An engine-driver could be distrained.
A gambler could be discarded.
A conjuror could be disillusioned.
A prostitute could be delayed.
A Moonie could be dissected.
A Chinese waiter could be disoriented.
A solicitor could be distorted.
A rabble-rouser could be demobbed.
A mathematician could be nonplussed.
A diplomat could be disconsolate.
An investment banker could be distrusted.
An immunologist could be disinfected.
A tax collector could be distributed.
A chef could be distasteful.
A convict could be discriminated.
A statistician could be discounted or disfigured.
A butcher could be disjointed or delivered.
An actor could be displayed or departed.
A sorcerer could be dispelled or disenchanted.
A politician could be devoted, denominated or disappointed.
An electrician could be delighted or discharged or unearthed.
A musician could be denoted, disbarred, disbanded, decomposed, or disconcerted

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Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Oxymorons

An Oxymoron is a figure of speech that puts together two contradictory terms. Even the word "oxymoron" is itself one, because it comes from combining the Greek words for "sharp" (oxy) and "dull" (moros). Check out the list below to find some rediculous word pairings often found in common speech.

1. Act naturally
2. Modern history
3. Bittersweet
4. Normal deviation
5. Numb feeling
6. Clearly confused
7. Only choice
8. Definite maybe
9. Recorded live
10. Pretty ugly
11. Original copy
12. Paid volunteer
13. Eloquent silence
14. Constant change
15. Criminal justice
16. Exact estimate
17. Same difference
18. Resident alien
19. Forgotten memories
20. Safety hazard
21. Tight slacks
22. Homeless shelter
23. Industrial park
24. Working vacation
25. Liquid gas

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Friday, September 14, 2007

pun with food

1. The dependent rolling pin said to the dough, "I knead you."

2. "These meatballs taste like seafood!" Yes, there is something very fishy about this whole situation.

3.Eating should never make you sad, unless it is a mourning meal.

4.There's nothing grate about sliced cheese.

5.I think my vegetables are mad at me for the way I cooked them over boiling water. They're really steamed.

6.The baker's father was deeply disappointed that his son spent his days loafing around.

7. I can't seem to find the beef aisle. Can you steer me in the right direction?

8.The fish were grilled but they still would not talk.

9.At first, I dropped some crumbs, then the ants came; after that, everything got carried away.

10.Funny thing, I emptied a can of soup at the exact time that my brother in Michigan emptied a can of soup. How uncanny is that?

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Monday, September 10, 2007

Tom Swifties

Many years ago, boys and girl read about the adventure of Tom Swift, a young hero in stories by Edward Stratemeyer. In these stories, Tom never just said somethings; he said it happily, quickly or excitedly. Today, people write puns called Tow Swifties.
Here are some really funny ones....

"I know the proper term for a group of lions," Tom said pridefully.

"OK, we can take the fast plane," said Tom concordantly.

"I do not stink!" Tom fumed.

"The wind is strong to day," Tom said in disgust.

"I am not cut out for herding sheep," Tom said cowherdly.

"I'm not dead yet," said Tom stiffly.

"Nay, nay," Tom said horsely

"I'm sorry. I don't know the name of the Greek god of the sun," Tom apologized.

"There is no electricity," said Tom darkly.

"I can't talk," said Tom dumbly.

"Use the cannon!" Tom boomed.

"Hi everyone, my name is Frank Lee," Tom lied rather frankly.

"I am so thirsty, I could drink that lake," Tom said dryly.

"The pencil line needs to be drawn again," Tom remarked.

"It's much better now we don't have to pay to cross the bridge," Tom extolled.

"This would make a great hobby," Tom said craftily.

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