Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Banana Republic

A thought provoking poem by Malcolm Pugh

Like a cat I slumber, blissfully unencumbered,
Through eighty per cent of my allotted span,
Occasionally awoken, when dissent is spoken,
And I invent another cunning five year plan,
Lately it was pensions, that were being mentioned,
So I borrowed from the French and Robespierre,
Scrap all that went before, saved by tooth and claw,
And let my all equal Citizens appear,
Currently it is time, for me to be in my prime,
For there is another election looming,
I have to appear sincere, for part of this coming year,
And assure everyone that everything is booming,
Never mind strict quotas, Ive imported multitudes of voters,
And told them which party let them stay,
Though Ive rigged the postal vote, and defamed everyone of note,
You never know what might happen on the day.

So to be on the safe side, I swallow all my pride,
And allow my people to hear my hallowed voice,
And roll out the charade, put on the facade,
And even make believe they have a choice,
Next time around the crown, will be trampled underground,
House of Lords and Lord Chancellor history,
With the other Chancellor gone, I alone will soldier on,
Yes, then there will only ever be me,
Ill hold elections for you, as all dictators do,
And fill positions with those that grease my palm,
As for civil unrest, there is always house arrest,
Or secret imprisonment for those that mean me harm.

So from national nursery, via educational history,
You can in time join the New Labour Youth,
Be taught gay is fun, and the state is number one,
And any other opinion is untruth.

Ask the media if unsure, or philosophically impure,
Brainwashing British Citizens is their forte,
They will surely put you right, or visit you at night,
Either way they will stop you being naughty.

Meekly follow all the rules, laid down in our schools,
Where state is all and learning is suppressed,
And you can safely be ignored, not seen as being flawed,
Just be another number like the rest.

Better far to be, a part of mediocrity,
Within your state and the seeds they have sown,
Than to disappear, or to live in constant fear,
For having a mind and will all of your own.

How is it that we, lost the option to be free,
How did we give away our right to choice,
How did we believe, whilst being deceived,
When did we decide to lose our voice.

How did we select the politically correct,
Why are we victims of unpunished crime,
Were we such fools as not to see the tools,
Or did we think they would go away in time.

The tap is darkly dripping, droplets that are gripping,
Our throats today our minds in time to come,
We must turn the tide, and reaffirm our pride,
We must prove we are not deaf and dumb.

It is no good wailing, chained up to your railing,
That you want the vote back like before,
For no one hears your plea, they are deaf to you and me,
No on cares about us any more.

This is about manipulation, of us and of our nation,
This is about illusions triumph over actual reason,
This is about lies, and the power to mesermerise,
This is about a slowly creeping treason,
This is about the eviscery, of the neutral BBC,
This is about what poison will soon take its place,
This is about five year plans, and Citizens of Euroland,
This is about civil service, with a very red face,
This is about soaps and plays, which in very subtle ways,
Try to put into our minds new sets of plausible truths,
This is about newspaper demise, in the guise of purveying lies,
Whilst the state preaches Pravda through schools to our youth,
This is about vision and sound, and any means that is allowed,
Trying to persuade you against your own common sense,
This is about duplicity, making seem true what cannot be,
And hoping you will at very least sit on the fence.

This is about unelected expertise, being paid huge taxpayer fees,
Alaister Campbells school of used car salesmen integrity,
This about usage of such curs, and their lies, and their slurs,
To pull the wool over the eyes of you and me.

Maybe feeble opposition is fuelling this submission,
But this is not about parties or their competence,
This is simply a war, not about who to vote for, But who to definitely vote against.

Malcolm Pugh was a civil engineer then a systems programmer - slightly deranged retired now.

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Thursday, August 23, 2007

Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

Here are some hilarious quotations by famous comedians. Those by George Burns are really soooo... funny!

"Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer."
-- Grace Allen (Gracie)

"It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else."
-- Grace Allen (Gracie)

"Build a better mousetrap than your neighbour and Kraft Cheese will beat a path to your door."
-- Grace Allen (Gracie)

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
-- George Burns

"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."
-- George Burns

"For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died."
-- George Burns

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city."
-- George Burns

"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."
-- George Burns

"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
-- Johnny Carson

"Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."
-- Johnny Carson

"Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill."
-- Johnny Carson

"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food."
-- Johnny Carson

"The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money."
-- Johnny Carson

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."
Bill Cosby

""Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it.""
Bill Cosby

"Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli."
Bill Cosby

"Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit."
Bill Cosby

"I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger."
Bill Cosby

"Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first."
Bill Cosby

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
-- Rita Rudner

"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
-- Rita Rudner

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
-- Rita Rudner

"I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."
-- Rita Rudner

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner

"Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other.""
-- Rita Rudner

"I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"No face, mouth open ... that is how the drug companies see the public."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'"
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
-- Steven Wright

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again."
-- Steven Wright

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
-- Steven Wright

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
-- Steven Wright

"Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""
-- Steven Wright
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Daffynitions


Daffynitions are playful ways to define words. For example, a daffynition for the word bulldozer would be a sleeping bull.

Can you guess the Daffynitions to the list of words given below?

1) Someone who is no longer a cop

2) The simplest way to cook eggs

3) Two loud scary noises

4) Ants that live in Italy

5) What you need to know to buy a hat

6) Two false statments

7) To take your time

8) Animal that knows how to tell time

9) What fish use to swim

10) A song you sing in the car

11) What's around an apple

12) A small amount of water that washes up on the beach

13) A book that tells a life story of a car

14) Two doctors

15) What the last runner in a race would like to do


Now for the answers to my earlier post. How many were you able to answer?

1) a - Bird
2) b - Antelope
3) a - Monkey
4) c - Rodent
5) a - Bird
6) b - Vegetable
7) a - Intangible
8) b - Gazelle
9) b - Wild dog
10)c - Monkey
11)c - valley
12)b - Vegetable
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Monday, August 20, 2007

What Am I? - A vocabulary Quiz

Here are some questions to puzzle you. Are you a whiz with words?
Do you know the meanings of these words? Don't cheat and look up the dictionary but try your best. Good Luck!

1)Cerulean Warbler
a)Bird b)Instrument c)Vocation

2)Addax
a)Poison b)Antelope c)Postage

3)Entellus langur
a)Monkey b)Reptile c)rodent

4)Capybara
a)Undergarment b)Island c)rodent

5)Rhea
a)bird b)Island c)reptile

6)Asparagus
a)throat b)vegetable c)suspicious

7)Impalpable
a)Intangible b)unpaired c)enclosable

8)Springbok
a)a snare b)gazelle c)rodent

9)Dingo
a)a game b)wild dog c)device

10)Tamarin
a)a tree b)flower c)monkey

Now for What am I NOT

11)Wader
a)bird b)waterproof boot c)valley

12)Drill
a)baboon b)vegetable c)tools

Visit me again soon to find out the answers!

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Thursday, August 16, 2007

Funny Poems

My Homework
By Michael Rawlinson


Sometimes my homework is small
Sometimes my homework is long
But whenever i do my homework
My homework is always wrong

Sometimes I do my homework at a slow pace
Sometimes I do my homework in the fast lane
But however I do my homework
my homework is still a pain

Sometimes my homework is easy
Sometimes my homework is hard
But whenever i can't do my homework
I feel like a retard


How School Works
By Steven J. Engelhardt


Spectacular!
Today is Monday,
You're off to that dreaded place,
5 days a week you spend here,
You'll never escape!

You have your books,
You have your brain,
When the day is through,
It'll be in a lot of pain,
And you have your friends,
Some good and some great,
But talk to them too much and you'll be late.

Keep your grades up though and watch with care,
Someday you'll look at colleges and say I want to go there,
So with your head full of knowledge and shoes full of feet,
If you let it, school can help you accomplish any feat!


A Fish I Wish
By Karstyn B. Butler


Oh how I wish I was a fish to swim in the deep blue sea.
I would swim up and down and all around in laps of two or three.
There would be no rules to follow,all fun down here.
On land rules are trouble,a real pain in the rear.
Humans are not wanted down here and for them you must always look.
For they only want to see us fish dangling from their hook.
A sea full of wonder,yes that's the life for me.
Oh how I wish to be a fish and one day soon I'll be!


Making Memories
By Krystal J. Ogans


I've been around the world.
I've observed the expansive Grand Canyon,
the towering Pyramids,
the lonely Eiffel Tower,
the exotic Rainforest,
and my own backyard.

I comfort and encourage you,
as I travel with you,
like a sole passenger,
that can not be forgotten.
I capture great, fantastic, magical, things,
and stockpile them deep within me.

I produce memories,
and hoard them,
just so you can hunt them out later.

I've been dropped,
sat on,
and stroked with small, sticky, children's fingers,
and nevertheless I do everything you ask.

And even if you misplace me on occasion,
when you unearth me,
you spend time with me.

I can erase your old memories,
even as you create new ones.
I am worn around your neck like the finest luxury jewels.

I am a
Camera

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Sunday, August 12, 2007

Homophone Pun


Here are some riddles that make use of Homophones ( words that sound the same but are spelled differently). Can you solve these riddles? Use the clues on the right to help you.
1. What do teachers say when they see sloppy handwriting?

2. What do you call a grizzly that is not wearing any clothes?

3. What did the man get in the post?

4. What award did the busybody receive?

5. What do you do with the jail when there are no more prisoners?
6. What did the bird on Sale say?

7. What did the princess say to the soldier in the shinning armor
when it was evening?

8. What did the dog say to the small jumping insect that lived in
its fur?

9. What do you call a bird in a bad mood?

10. What sad mournful noise was heard from the largest animal in the ocean?

11. What do you call the workers on board a luxury ship?

12. What do you call a competition at a slaughter house?


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Tuesday, August 7, 2007

English Poem using Homonyms

The English Language
Some words have different meanings,and yet they're spelt the same,
A cricket is an insect, to play it is a game.
On every hand, in every land, its thoroughly agreed,
The English language to explain, is very hard indeed.
Some people say that you're a dear, yet a dear is far from cheap,
A jumper is a thing you wear, yet a jumper has to leap.
It's very dear, it's very queer, and pray who is to blame,
for different meanings to some words pronounced and spelt the same?
A little journey is a trip, a trip is when you fall;
doesn't mean you have to dance, whenever you hold a ball,
Now, here's a thing that puzzles me: musicians of good taste,
will very often form a band - I've one round my waist.
A door may often be ajar, but give the door a slam,
then your nerves receive a jar - and then there're jars of jam.
You've heard, of course of traffic jams, and jams you give your thumbs,
and adders, too, one is a snake and others add up sums.
You spin a top, go for a spin, or spin a yarn maybe -
Yet every spin's a different spin as you can plainly see.
On every hand, in every land, it's thoroughly agreed,
The English language to explain, is very hard indeed
Harry Hamsley


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